Meredith Resnick - When Your Parent Is a Narcissist

Copyright 2016 Meredith Resnick. All rights reserved
Cover design by Melanie McMinn.
Cover photo credit: paid image SunSilver via Shutterstock
No part of this book may be reproduced in any format without the author's written permission.
All introductory quotations unless otherwise specified come from Narcissism: Surviving the Self-Involved or Surviving the Narcissist30 Days of Recovery by Meredith Resnick, unless otherwise noted.
ISBN: 978-1-4835635-6-5

Note to Readers
DisclaimerThe information provided in this book is designed to offer helpful information on the subjects discussed. This book is not meant to be used, nor should it be used, to diagnose or treat any medical, psychological, emotional, relational, or mental health condition. For diagnosis or treatment of any such issue mentioned above, consult a physician or therapist for appropriate treatment and referral. The author is not responsible for any specific health or mental health needs that may require intervention, consultation or supervision that is medical, psychological, legal or otherwise, and is not liable for any damages or negative consequences from any treatment, action, application or preparation, to any person reading or following the information in this book. This book is designed to provide information and support to the reader. It is sold with the understanding that the author is not engaging to render any type of psychological, medical, relationship, legal, or any other kind of professional advice, only to explain the characteristics, feelings, and emotions that may manifest when dealing with certain individuals in certain relationships. Seek the help of a licensed therapist as needed. If children are involved, seek the help of a therapist, lawyer, or other licensed specialist to ensure appropriate action. References are provided for informational purposes only and do not constitute endorsement of any websites or other sources. Be aware that the websites listed in this e-book may change.

About Meredith Resnick
Meredith Resnick worked in direct healthcare for two decades. She brings right-brained creativity to coverage of health-related topics, especially mental health topics, and strives to create connections between human beings and their patterns of behavior, between the universal and the personal, and between the heart and the mind. She holds a license in clinical social work and is the author of Narcissism: Surviving the Self-Involved and Surviving the Narcissist: 30 Days of Recovery. For more visit Meredith Resnick's website.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Youre my favorite. My star.
You hold the key to the universe that is me.
Actually, right now I hold the key.
And I promise to give it to you.
When Im ready.
Ill never be ready.
Its cute how you try.
And try.
Your unswerving devotion to me no matter what I do or say
makes me care about your struggles.
As a means of using them to fuel my power over you.
I just want the best for me.
The first thing you need to do is tell me what I need.
It better be correct.
Dont fuss. You cant become my star if you fuss. You cant have the key to the universe that is me, either. Thats what you want, isnt it? Thats what you should want. Believe me when I say that others want itand dont dare ask me to prove it.
Dont overestimate your value, dear.
You are not that special.
Im your parent so your faults are very obvious to me.
Thats what parents are forto point out, to notice, and help their children fix their problems.
I care about you more than you care about yourselfand about me. Thats what really hurts. And that you think youre better than me.
I have news for you: youre needy, sensitive, and a bossy, manipulative know-it-all.
Im worried about you and its my job as a parent to let you know.
I dont deserve this; I did not sign up for this. When I brought you into the world, into my family, into my life, I expected you to be better than this. I cant accept it.
Or you.
Now, now, dont look so sad and defeated. You need help. All right, you need my help. No, no, Im not going to walk away from you now. Whatever gave you that idea?
Stop asking me if I love you. Its a foolish question. Youre my child. I love you more than I love myself. When you make me feel worthwhile.
Your siblings dont understand me because they are selfish and immature. Youve finally gotten over that. Youve transcended yourself. Youre so adult. Youre the good child. I know youll never leave me.
My very own little star that shines on me.

Faustian bargain [(fow-stee-uhn)] Faust, in the legend, traded his soul to the devil in exchange for knowledge. To strike a Faustian bargain is to be willing to sacrifice anything to satisfy a limitless desire for knowledge or power or the love, approval, and attention of the narcissistic parent.

Definition from Dictionary.com.

The text in red is my insert, used to help illustrate the dynamic between narcissist parent and child.

A note from Meredith Resnick
Every parent is different. Every child is unique. But when the parent is a narcissist, there are patterns and behaviors that are particular to how they relate to the child. These patterns and behaviors can set the stage for how the childs self image develops. The purpose of this book is to present these manifestations in a distilled format, simple and straightforward. The goal is to demystify a very complex and convoluted dynamic in order to help individuals grow and let go.

The mothers lap is the childs first classroom.
Hindu proverb

Why I WroteWhen Your Parent Is a Narcissist
In writing When Your Parent Is a Narcissist, my purpose is to help readers see how the unhealthy dynamic, having taken root in childhood and manifested insidiously, may continue into adulthood. Think of this as a guide to help you understand the nuanced ways that a narcissist parents toxicity infiltrated your life, and then to help you achieve what you need mostto reestablish the relationship you have, and may have lost, with yourself.

When Your Parent Is a Narcissist: Uncovering origins, patterns, and unconscious dynamicsto help you grow and let go can help you recognize patterns of behavioryour own and your parents. Recognizing patterns fosters awareness. Awareness gives us access to more choices. Awareness means stepping out of the smoke and mirrors existence of the narcissist into a clear-eyed view of your own life.

In Part 2 of When Your Parent Is a Narcissist I have used the stages of development as defined by developmental psychologist Erik Erikson (referred to as Eriksons stages of psychosocial development) to unpack the intricate, insidious nature of how the narcissist parents behavior toward the child affects the child.

This book focuses on etiologyhow patterns start and manifest. Ive tried to provide the type of dissection and evaluation that might occur over numerous sessions with a therapist. In the session, the therapist would help the client examine the problem from different angles and in new ways to uncover the intangible factors that affect his life today. The goal of such depth work is to recognize the many ways the narcissistic relationship manifests, as well as the myriadand often non-textbookways these dynamics look/play out in the real world. This book supports that process. It does not replace it.

Self-study is important. In my years of studying and writing about narcissism, I found that the more a person can understand the nuances of the parent-child dynamic, the better they could detach from that dynamic. Releasing the expectation that the parent will change is a huge step in healing because the focus moves from the parent to the self. This disrupts the pattern of narcissism.