H.G. Tudor - Sex and the Narcissist

Sex and the Narcissist

By

H G Tudor

All Rights Reserved

Copyright 2016

Sex and the Narcissist

By

HG Tudor

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the express written permission of the publisher.

Published by Insight Books

Contents

1. Introduction
2. How Do We Regard Sex?
3. What Are We Thinking During Sex?
4. The Type of Sexual Narcissist
5. Why Are We So Good At Sex?
6. The Sexual Identity
7. The Seduction Stage
8. The Role of Sex in the Seduction Stage
9. Why Are You Addicted to Our Sex?
10. Sex in the Devaluation Stage
11. Sex and Hoovering
12. Conclusion

Introduction

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer. Sex is all pervading. At its most fundamental level it is a tool for procreation. It is the method by which the human race keeps on growing. It is, to most, a pleasant experience. It occupies the minds of many, many people. How do they get sex? How do they get more sex? What can they use sex for? People like to look and feel sexy. As the saying goes, sex sells. Sex is everywhere. Turn off the safe search filter on whichever internet search engine you use and type in anything, any word or phrase that springs into your mind. I daresay that amidst the images that your results turns up there will be sexual images amongst them. Only the other day I searched for a boxing bell. There amongst the many images of said bells was a topless woman wearing boxing gloves. Sexual imagery is rife. Our pop stars cavort on stage wearing next to nothing and engage in highly charged choreographed erotic dances. From Elvis the Pelvis, through to Britney and Madonnas pseudo-lesbian embrace and then onto Miley Cyrus and her naked wrecking ball antics. Erotic novels enjoyed a somewhat dubious resurgence thanks to the puzzlingly popular Fifty Shades of Grey. The online content of once fastidious newspapers will contain pictures of some celebrity on a beach or wearing a skimpy outfit at an awards ceremony. Once average-looking people become super sexy thanks to the magical power of sympathetic lighting and the airbrush in order to appear more attractive, more alluring and sexier. Everywhere you go sex is in your face. From the attractive underwear, you put on first thing in the morning, the advertisements in between your breakfast television, and the breathy ads on the radio as you drive to work and not forgetting the posters on bus shelters, buildings and massive city centre screens. Books, television, music, perfume, cars, films and so much more offer sex. Even a well-known British retailer created advertisements to sell its food range, which were dubbed as 'food porn'. All of this is dominated by the internet which channels sex right into your face through a thousand different websites all dedicated to porn. From the vanilla variety through to the kinky and onto the disturbed, every sexual taste and preference is now catered for. We are surrounded by sex.

Sex however is at its most potent and most important in the context of a relationship. Sex is regarded as an integral part of a relationship between two people whether heterosexual, homosexual or transgender. Sex creates a significant bond between those people who are in a couple. It is the basis of discussion and arguments. Too much sex? Too little sex? Sex outside the relationship? Involving a third party in the sexual union? Sex is a complex dynamic. The importance of sex is no different yet is entirely different in my world, the world of the narcissist. Sex is important to my kind and me. We regard it, just as most people do, as a fundamental part of a relationship. The purpose and role of sex is vastly different however to a narcissist. Sex serves one massive purpose and that is to harvest fuel. Fuel is the central purpose of the narcissistic existence. We must have this fuel, we need this fuel and we engage in a ceaseless quest to acquire it. Sex provides us with a fantastic instrument to assist us in this mission to gather fuel. If we do not have fuel, we will be consigned to oblivion. Acquiring it therefore takes on an unequalled level of importance. Sex provides us with a highly effective method of getting this fuel.

Our fuel comes in two types. Positive fuel from when we receive love, attention, adoration and admiration. Negative fuel from the emotional reactions of fear, anger, frustration, sadness and so much more. Sex enables us to gather both positive and negative fuel. We deploy a wide range of manipulative techniques in order to harvest this fuel and sex ranks as one of the most powerful methods of doing so. It is so powerful because to our victims, our sweet empathic victims, sex invariably is equated to love and therefore it has a huge emotional impact. Your attitude towards sex enables us to use it to further our hunt for fuel. Accordingly, at the heart of everything we say and do that is associated with sex, fuel is at the heart of it. It shapes our attitudes, frames our beliefs and drives our behaviour. The relationship with a narcissist is tumultuous, euphoric and despairing and the sexual relationship is no different. Why do we use sex as we do? Why do our sexual appetites and preferences change? Why do we engage in certain sexual behaviours? Probably more than any other element of the relationship with a narcissist, sex is the one that raises so many questions. Now you are going to get the answers.

I will take you into the depths of my narcissistic mind and share with you the secrets of the narcissist and sex. I will not pull any punches, this is a very adult topic and we are all adults, although we will not slip into the gratuitous. My observations will be direct, graphic and at times uncomfortable but by reading how I regard sex you will gain a huge understanding of why the narcissist behaves as he does and this will benefit you. Through understanding, you will be better able to protect yourself. Through understanding, you will be able to make sense of what once seemed unfathomable. You will be appalled yet enlightened. You will recognise much that is applicable to you and your experiences and now in an undiluted form straight from the mind of a narcissist you will begin to understand. You will learn why sex is used in the way it is by us, why it is so important and why we behave as we do. You will gain an insight into the twisted thought process behind our actions and you will understand what drives us. Most of all you will learn that sex is not about sex to us. It is about something far more important. I have utilised my considerable experiences, the behaviour of other narcissists that I know and as ever I have been assisted in gaining an understanding of our behaviours and their context from Dr E and Dr O.

I began this introduction explaining how all-pervading sex is. Sex is all around us yet the role of sex to you is far different from its role to us. As Oscar Wide succinctly put it

"Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power."

Read on and understand why power matters to the narcissist in the sexual arena.

How Do We Regard Sex?

Sex is a tool. It is a device. Sex is a very effective mechanism that enables us to obtain that thing which we crave more than anything else; fuel. We do not equate sex and love as being something that goes together. We regard them as entirely separate and not something that we would ever combine. I know a lot about sex or perhaps more accurately, I know a lot about how people like you regard sex. When I mean people like you, I mean our victims. I mean decent, caring, honest and empathic people. You are normal people. You are normal people who regard sex as a healthy element in a strong and loving relationship. You see it as a device for pleasure, you regard it as a means of demonstrating love by being intimate with another person and you consider it a barometer for the state of your relationship. I know that initially you will have a period of time when you enjoy sex regularly with your chosen partner. I know this because I specifically ask those who I have targeted about their sex lives. I do not do so in some crass and intrusive fashion. That is not my style. I will watch a film with you and use what happens in that film between the two leads as a basis for discussion. Take for example the film Wuthering Heights and I am referring to the version from the early 1990s that starred Ralph Fiennes as Heathcliff and Juliette Binoche as Catherine. When Catherine passed away, she is later lying in an open coffin at her home after being married to Edgar. Edgar looks upon her and whilst there is clear affection for her, his repressed upbringing has the effect that he only plants a kiss on Catherines forehead and then he retreats. Heathcliff soon after this breaks into the grange and seeing Catherine lying there he grabs her, overcome with grief and hauls her partially from the coffin, holding her close and burying his face next to hers as he cries. His passion for Catherine has been undiminished. I may remark to the intimate partner with whom I have watched the film about how Heathcliffs passion was such a contrast to Edgars far more refined behaviour and I will ask whether she thinks it is possible to sustain such a passion for such a time just for one person. I have asked this question on several occasions and I am met with answers which whilst phrased differently all amount to the same thing. I am told that early in normal relationships, the passion is there for all to see and it manifests itself especially through regular and energetic sexual congress. After a time this fire dies down. The passion is still there but it becomes something much more deep-seated and substantial. Occasionally it will appear but far less often and alongside this, the sexual side of a relationship diminishes. There is a deep love, a companionship and affection but the sexual element takes on a more substantial side. It becomes more about demonstrating love and commitment, an expression of contentment rather than the spontaneous and firework-laden couplings that had taken place previously. This is not something I have ever experienced. I will expand on this in due course but in general, terms the answers that I receive tell me that in the beginning the sex is exciting, urgent and frequent. It may be experimental with new things tried as boundaries are pushed back. Over time this energy and excitement subsides and gives way to something more meaningful and deeper. This enables me to understand the value that you place on the sexual element of a relationship because these concepts are alien to me. I do not see that initial stage of jumping into bed every day, making love in different places and positions as something that is done because it is exciting and both parties have been caught up in a whirlwind of desire for one another. I regard that initial stage as purely a means to make you addicted to me. The heady passion of the start of a relationship where new journeys are embarked on and fresh discoveries are made about what people enjoy and do not enjoy is not something I recognise. I see it purely as an opportunity to give you what you want so you want me. In the later stages, I do not regard sex as an expression of deep-seated love and commitment to another person. I see it as a device by which I can push and pull you, manipulate and control you in order to make you give me more fuel.