David Hawkins - Never Fight Again . . . Guaranteed!: Groundbreaking Practices for a Win-Win Marriage

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Never Fight AgainGuaranteed!
Groundbreaking Practices for a Win-Win Marriage

Copyright 2014 by David B. Hawkins

All rights reserved.

No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted by the 1976 Copyright Act or in writing from the publisher. Requests for permission can be addressed to Permissions, The United Methodist Publishing House, P.O. Box 801, 201 Eighth Avenue South, Nashville, TN 37202-0801, or e-mailed to permissions@umpublishing.org.

Guarantee: We guarantee that after reading this book, working through its contents, following its steps, journaling through its questions, and working through this book with your mate you will find new ways to relatewithout fighting. If you have diligently done the work that the book describes and within a year of faithful practice havent found a change, please contact us, with a letter explaining your steps, process, and lack of change, and we will refund the cost of the book.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hawkins, David, 1951-

Never fight again ... guaranteed! : groundbreaking practices for a win-win marriage / Dr. David B. Hawkins.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-4267-7385-3

1. MarriageReligious aspectsChristianity. 2. Man-woman relationshipsReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.

BV835.H3784 2014

248.4dc23

2014009107

Scripture quotations are taken from the Common English Bible. Copyright 2011 by the Common English Bible. All rights reserved. Used by permission. www.CommonEnglishBible.com.

Contents

Contents

Introduction: You Can Choose Unity over War

Introduction

You Can Choose Unity over War

When he came, he announced the good news of peace to you who were far away from God and to those who were near. Ephesians 2:17

O n a recent flight from Seattle to Dallas, I sat behind a couple who couldnt agree on anything. They appeared to be in their early thirties. They bickered about who would get what seat, who would clean up after their young son, and where to eat once they landed. While I struggled not to listen, it reminded me of our sad state of affairs. Tensions run high, from the international stage to the confines of our nation and our communities, marriages and familieseven to the pews of our churches.

As far as I can see, we are in serious trouble. Everybodys fighting. People think their way is right, their opinion is the most accurate, and they have a right to share it forcefully with others. Were a world divided, nation against nation, neighbor against neighbor, mate against mate.

Am I exaggerating this problem? I dont think so. Listening to my pastor friends and colleagues in business reassures me Im not overreacting. Strife is common; cooperation and peace are rare.

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, I hear counselors, pastors, and experts say. You just have to learn to fight fair.

Oh, really?

Let me see if I get this: arguments cannot be helped; since they are inevitable, we have to fight with each other in a way that isnt hurtful. Were to bicker and quarrel, air our grievances, but still avoid harming anyone.

I believed this fair fight notion for the longest time. I was trained in the fields of social work and clinical psychology when expressing yourself was in vogue. I learned how to teach clients to use foam mallets to pummel their mates therapeutically . I learned the value of rage therapy in an effort to release those nasty feelings constructively . I learned that suppressing emotions was dangerous to our well-being. Aggression is a natural phenomenon, and we must learn to accept and embrace it. Assertiveness training, talk therapy, and free expression of raw emotions were all part of my indoctrination. Express those feelings!

Somehow, along the long and winding therapeutic road, I could never quite get the words healthy and conflict to sit nicely together. I couldnt get fighting for what you want and deferring to one another in love to make friends. As anger management, aggression therapy, and never taking no for an answer became more common, I heard less and less about cooperation and peace . The concept of war seemed to be favored over unity.

Backward

I have felt uneasy for years about this idea of expressing feelings no matter the consequences. During personal reflection I discovered that when Im fighting, manipulating with assertiveness, being direct, and sharing my opinion, Im often not practicing peace-making. Im operating from a primitive position, seeking ways to win.

I decided that weve really got things backward.

Peacemaking, I discovered, involves a whole lot more than not fighting. Making peace, which is our path to never fighting again, involves more than simply restraining unwieldy emotions. Ending my battles with people is a war (pun intended) I have to first win internally before I can successfully win it externally. Unity is possibleit just takes some work.

Never Fight Again...Guaranteed! was for me a matter of professional and personal exploration. I found myself puzzled as to why, despite years of training and degrees, as well as being married, there were times I was unable to constrain my emotions. While I achieved some success at ending my battles with my wife externally, I still wanted to win ! I needed a mind-shiftand perhaps you do tooand that is what this book is about.

Never Fight Again... Guaranteed! is a radically new message. While it may seem almost too good to be true, this book envisions a message of peace. This is not a book of tricky gimmicks for outmaneuvering your opponent or ways to sweeten your aggressive impulses but rather a new way of looking at others. I will take you on a journey where we take off our let it all hang out approaches and replace them with unity-seeking ones. Prepare for a profound shift of consciousness.

Its Time for a Fresh Idea

The fact is, healthy conflict and constructive criticism are outdated ideas. Still, you may be asking how can we avoid episodes of bickering, squabbling, and edgy power struggles. Is it really possible to live out the words of Jesus: Happy are people who make peace, because they will be called Gods children (Matt. 5:9)? Could Jesus really have been talking about marriage and relationships?

Yes! In Never Fight Again... Guaranteed! we will discover some invaluable tools and strategies for healthy connecting. In the next twelve chapters we will:

1. Discover that conflict only creates more conflictand what we can do to build relationships instead.

2. Unmask the dynamics of power involved in explosions, passive-aggression, and outright power playsand how we can replace these with healthy expressions of feelings.

3. Understand the true nature of compromise. As we examine the heart and soul of compromise, which is often to get the most while offering the least, and the dangers inherent in perfectionism, we will learn how to relate from the heart, not the ego.

4. Explore the hidden dynamics involved in negotiationand how this tactic is often riddled with manipulation and self-serving strategies. We will learn the skill of true giving, seeking solutions that are productive and healthy for both partners.