Mira Kirshenbaum - Why Couples Fight

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

Oh, my gosh, I am so grateful to so many people for so much its hard to know where to begin.

But begin I must, and so let me start with Dr. Charles Foster. My husband and my life partner. More to the point, since this is a book about how to make room in a marriage for two whole people, I have to tell you that he is my full partner in the making of this book. From the incredibly difficult process of turning the germ of an idea into a viable proposal and then into a completed book, this has been not a 50/50 collaboration but a 60/60 collaboration, which is crazy but totally true. Every word in this book is as much his as it is mine. Really.

And because of him, this book about love has been a labor of love. Proof? After writing a book together, were not only still on speaking terms, were closer than ever.

So now you know.

And Id like you to know how grateful I am to my agent Howard Morhaim. Ive been with him for every one of my books except the first. Howard has been there for me when things have been great and when theyve been not so great. And at every step Howards told me the truth, helped me along, supported me, encouraged me, and pointed me in the right direction. Howard, youre just great

I am endlessly grateful to my greatest teachers: my patients. There have been thousands of you over the years, but I want you to know that each of you, and each of your lessons, are vividly etched in my mind. I remember you and I treasure you. And, dear reader, I hope you will find a place in your heart to thank all these people whove suffered and struggled just the way you have but who have worked to make things better and in the process have taught me how to make things better for you.

Not that my teacher teachers were chopped liver. And lets be clear what were talking about here. These were people who re-wired my brain in real time without anesthesia. To learn is to change, and to change is to throw your old self out the window. And thats what my teachers helped me with, not because it was what I neededthe hell with my needs!but because it was what YOU needed. So a huge embrace of gratitude to Paul Watzlawick, Jay Haley, Roger Fisher, Chloe Madanes, Father Bill Richardson, Pepper Schwartz, Gitta Sereny, Gregory Bateson, Martin Buber, Don Jackson, Jules Henry, Alfred Kazin, Rabbi Harold Kushner, Richard Stuart, Paul Goodman, Allan Kaprow, Salvador Minuchin, Harold Zyskind, and Herbert Berghof. And a particular thanks to the Rev. Kate Kress for some crucial support and encouragement just as I was starting to write this book.

This is the first book Ive written in Los Angeles and the first not in a house but in a high-rise. So you need to know how grateful I am to the manager here, Craig Settimo, for doing everything he can to take care of us, a job thats all the more difficult with the pandemic raging around us. And big thanks to Aaron Gonzales and Lawrence McDonald and Juana for all their wonderful work. And big thanks to Aaron Gonzales, Lawrence McDonald, Felipe Velez, Tom Roy, and Juana for all their wonderful work helping us make our lives better.

Now writing a book is a funny thing. Just when you think youre bringing your baby up just fine, thank you very much, and when it reaches the difficult teen years, you suddenly find you have a co-parent. Your editor. In my case, this books co-parent is Denise Silvestro. I cant imagine having a better editor or a better experience with an editor. Lets look at things from Denises point of view. She wouldnt be publishing my book unless she liked it, but lets face it: its not unconditional love. Her job is to represent the reader, to make my book better, to tell me that my precious child isnt perfect. And Denise does that with incredible sensitivity, honesty, integrity, and a wealth of intelligence and experience. Its been a joy to work with her.

I also want to thank other folks on the Kensington team. Ann Pryorhow over-the-top lucky we are to have you leading the marketing and PR team. Your energy and understanding are so special. And hey, Ill do whatever I can to help, dance naked in the middle of Times Square, you name it. And a wow and a thanks to your team, Ann, the folks helping with marketing, social media, our web presence, and all the other pieces crucial to launching this rocket. Kristine Noble, I LOVE the coverI cant thank you enough for that miracle of elegance and impact. Arthur Maisel and Susan Higginscopyediting is such an odd combination of the technical and the personal, requiring both vigilance and sensitivity, and I just loved what you did. Thanks also to designer Joe Gannon. Lynn Cully, Jackie Dinas, Steve Zacharius: I know that your being behind Why Couples Fight makes a huge difference, and heartfelt thanks for the difference you make now and in the future.

Conclusion

Im so glad weve had this time together

I truly believe the odds are overwhelmingly on the side of things being good between you. The feedback Ive gotten from countless people Ive helped get back on track issurprise!how easy it is. You just have to decide to do the 1, 2, 3 Method , something thats a hell of a lot easier than struggling!

The only hard part is letting go of power moves, and if you help each other and are patient with each other and dont expect perfection, even thats a piece of cake.

Suppose you and your partner have lived a long and fruitful life and now one of you is dying and its time to say goodbye to each other and you want to speak the truth. It would kind of suck if your truth at that moment would be, I love you, but lets face it, we really screwed up a good thing.

I think youd want your truth to be, at that moment, Im so glad weve had this time together. Its certainly what Id want.

This book is my gift to your future... Together.

Why I Wrote This Book

For as long as I can remember, empowering people whove been disempowered has been just about the most important thing in the world to me.

It goes way back to when I was a little refugee girl in a displaced persons camp near Munich, a child of Holocaust survivors, not knowing what the future of my family would be. Outside the gates of our camp were the very Germans whod tried to destroy uswhod killed every one of my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... pretty much my whole familynow in their own homes, their own lives already almost back to normal. How unfair!

Nazi Germany was a prime example of power run mad, leaving so many without any power at all.

My awareness of how little power I had was driven into me over and over. In those very early years, my brother, four years older, got more food than I did. Why? I wondered. I was told: because hes a boy. I was to understand that girls are expendable. I guess in a mass of hungry people, I was. When I finally arrived in America, a distant male relative saw me standing there and burst into tears because I was so skinny.

Despite my poor upbringing, my family valued education, and I was always encouraged to read whatever I could get my hands on. Books gave me power and, boy, did I know it. In the sixth grade, I was so far ahead of everyone else they took me out of class and gave me a job going through files looking for peoples Social Security numbers. For the entire year. At the end of the year, one person was selected to get into the special classes for advanced students for the next year. I was supposed to be that kid. But a boy, Martin, was chosen even though his grades and test scores were below mine. Why? I wondered. But I heard the answer as I listened to two teachers talking. I was a girl. All Id ever do was work as a file clerk anyway. Again, something about who I was as a human being utterly disempowered me.