Mira Kirshenbaum - When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships

Praise for

When Good People Have Affairs

Whether you are having an affair or are thinking about it, or your partner is having an affair, this book is for you. Kirshenbaum brings us practical steps for understanding affairs and utilizing the mistakes we make for a deeper healing. This book can help strengthen all our relationships.

Rabbi Ted Falcon, Ph.D., rabbi of Bet Alef:

An Inclusive Spiritual Synagogue in Seattle

and coauthor of Judaism for Dummies

Kirshenbaum addresses the often painful question of whether good people can and do have affairs and provides methodical, insightful answers to this very disturbing dilemma. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has had an affair, been the object of an affair, or has thought of having an affair.

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.,

author of Performance Addiction and

The Power of Empathy

This book is brilliantly written for anyone entrapped in a messy affair. Powerful, pragmatic answers clarify how to sanely address infidelity.

Lee Raffel, M.S.W., author of I Hate Conflict!

Kirshenbaum meets us right at the heart of an illicit affair and juggling two lovers. Her research and experience show most people who have affairs want whats best for everyone involved. Her absolute acceptance and wisdom teach us how we can trust ourselves, despite feeling crazy, to untangle our love triangles and live with choices that are free of regret and ambivalence. We can clearly decide what is good for us and what will lead to our happiness.

Diana Mercer, J.D.,

attorney-mediator and founder of

Peace Talks mediation services

An important and insightful book on a very difficult topic.

Gayle Rosenwald Smith,

author of Divorce and Money

The sexual correctness police surround us all the time and are so menacing we are often afraid to speak honestly and hence revert to humor to diffuse our anxieties. Mira Kirshenbaum has dared to break the rules, not by advocating for affairs (which too often are very destructive) but for acknowledging that they are happening, and giving advice to minimize the hurts and maximize the capacity of people to treat the others involved with the dignity and honesty they deserve.

Rabbi Michael Lerner,

editor of Tikkun magazine and chair of the

Network of Spiritual Progressives

Every pastor, therapist, and counselor should read this book. Mira Kirshenbaum, thanks to decades of clinical experience, demystifies affairs with wisdom, humor, buckets of common sense, and most of all, deep compassion for all involved. She provides from every perspective, including the childrens, clear guidelines for decision making and the follow-through necessary for a long and healthy relationship. This book resonates profoundly with my thirty-eight years of ministering with people in relationships. Even the happily married would benefit from reading When Good People Have Affairs.

M. Thomas Shaw,

member of the order Society of St. John the Evangelist

and bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Massachusetts

Mira Kirshenbaum has done it again! She has tackled the most difficult of issues and in so doing offers the reader clear and powerful tools for moving on and through the complexities of an affair. Every psychotherapist in the field knows that working with people involved in affairs is painful for all concerned. These are not bad people, as it would be too easy to assume. These are good people working through complicated issues, feelings, and needs. With steps for identifying why and then what next, this book will serve not only those who are personally involved with affairs, but also those in the helping role. I look forward to having it available as a recommendation for clients and as an aide in my own psychotherapy practice.

Dr. Dorothy Firman,

director of the Synthesis Center (Amherst, Massachusetts)

and coauthor of Daughters and Mothers: Making It Work,

Chicken Soup for the Mother & Daughter Soul,

Chicken Soup for the Soul: Celebrating Mothers & Daughters, and

Chicken Soup for the Father & Son Soul

If youve found yourself caught up in a love triangle, from any angle, Kirshenbaum provides an indispensable guide to what the person in two relationships is dealing with. If you are that person, this book will save you from a world of misery and help you do whats best for everyone. If youre the spouse or lover, this is a necessary guide to help you survive and thrive in the face of what you are really dealing with.

Gay Hendricks, Ph.D.,

author of Five Wishes and coauthor,

with Kathlyn Hendricks, of Conscious Loving

The first practical, nonjudgmental solution to infidelity. Kirshenbaums ability to bring clarity out of a deeply confusing issue is amazing. This book is a must-read for the 50 percent of Americans whose lives have been affected by infidelity. It could save many relationships.

Val Jones,

senior medical director of RevolutionHealth.com, and

author of the Dr. Val and the Voice of Reason blog

Mira Kirshenbaum gives voice to the women and men who find themselves involved in an affair. With compassion and wisdom, she challenges the reader to understand and cope with his or her own infidelity. Asking difficult and incisive questions, she expertly guides the reader through the complex decisions that need to made in the aftermath.

Constance Ahrons,

author of The Good Divorce and Were Still Family

These are very needed words of wisdom. Important reading for anyone about to make a decision after the affair.

Clo Madanes, author of Strategic Family Therapy, and cofounder, robbinsmadanes.com

Mira Kirshenbaums latest book delivers on its promise of a refreshing perspective an open-minded and open-hearted view of what to do in the midst of what is often an overwhelmingly complex dilemma.

Kathy Reiss, chaplain

WHEN

GOOD

PEOPLE

HAVE

AFFAIRS

ALSO BY MIRA KIRSHENBAUM

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Is He Mr. Right?

The Weekend Marriage

Our Love Is Too Good to Feel So Bad

Everything Happens for a Reason

The Emotional Energy Factor

Parent/Teen Breakthrough

Women & Love

The Gift of a Year

WHEN

GOOD

PEOPLE

HAVE

AFFAIRS

Inside the Hearts & Minds of People

in Two Relationships

MIRA KIRSHENBAUM

ST. MARTINS GRIFFIN

NEW YORK

WHEN GOOD PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS. Copyright 2008 by Mira Kirshenbaum. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. For information, address St. Martins Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.stmartins.com

Book design by Ellen Cipriano

THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS HAS CATALOGUED THE HARDCOVER EDITION

AS FOLLOWS:

Kirshenbaum, Mira.

When good people have affairs : inside the hearts & minds of people in two relationships / Mira Kirshenbaum.1st ed.

p. cm.

ISBN-13: 978-0-312-37847-9

ISBN-10: 0-312-37847-5

1. Adultery. 2. Man-woman relationships. I. Title.

HQ806 .K485 2008

306.73'6dc22

2008010390

ISBN-13: 978-0-312-56344-8 (pbk.)

ISBN-10: 0-312-56344-2 (pbk.)

First St. Martins Griffin Edition: August 2009

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

e-ISBN: 9780312378479

To all of us

who struggle so hard to find love,