Elaine Lawrence Wynn - After the Affair

After the Affair

Elaine Wynn, Ph.D.

iUniverse, Inc.
New York Bloomington

After the Affair

Copyright 2008 by Elaine Lawrence Wynn, Ph.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

All scripture quotes are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Wheaton, Illinois, 60189. All rights reserved.

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This publication is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subject matter covered. It is written with the understanding that the author is not engaged in rendering professional services in the book. If the reader requires professional assistance or advice a competent professional should be consulted. The author specifically disclaims any responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.

ISBN: 978-0-595-53394-7 (pbk)

ISBN: 978-0-595-63452-1 (ebook)

Contents

To My Family
Thank you for all of your patience, loving guidance, and support that help make this book possible.

Why is it that we always think it will never happen to us? We engrave this fairy tale scenario in our minds of marrying the perfect man and living happily ever after. Then when the time comes and we actually find Mr. Right, we think that he is infallible. We are exuberant and floating on cloud nine. As far as we are concerned, he is invincible and can do no wrong. There is nothing about this man that we would change. We put our relationship with him on a pedestal. Then we brain wash ourselves into believing that this is it our love will last through eternity. We trust this man and have faith in our love. It is no coincidence that we found each other. The bond between us is like that of no other couple in the world. Our relationship is incredibly different this man would never hurt us. We think about him constantly and dial his phone number every couple of hours because we have to hear his voice again. With every breath of air we breathe, we smell his scent. And when we are really whipped, we hear his voice and glimpse him in places when he is not around.

Why is it that we always think it will never happen to us? Of course we are jealous when he looks at another woman and do not let some female have the audacity to start flirting with him our killer instinct will quickly come to the forefront. We have marked our territory. This fine man is spoken for and he had better act like it. Our burning desire is to spend every moment with him. When he is late, we get nervous and our mind goes into a state of irrational fear Is he okay? Why hasnt he called? Where is he? When we are together, we make each other laugh and life is extraordinary. The chemistry is so outrageous between us that it is like making a musical beat that cannot be composed. When we look into each others eyes, we see deep into the souls. What is it about this man that makes us feel so safe when we are in his arms? He gives us reassurance that we have never fathomed before. One look from this man and we are speechless as our heartbeat becomes so deafening that all other sound diminish. Our hormones kick in at an all time high; we lose control then wisdom and irrefutable commonsense take flight.

Why is it that we always think it will never happen to us? He calls us his woman and for once we do not mind wearing a label. It feels good to hear him say we belong to him. Thats right. He has never told a lie or given us reason to believe that what he says is fabricated. We do not mind waiting on him hand and foot. We hold our head up with pride written all over our breasts. We become vulnerable to this man and allow him to enter the deepest recesses of our mind and heart. We turn out to be transparent because we allow him to know so much about who we really are. This man sees us in a different light and strategically plans his next move as our innocence is stripped away. We sacrifice so much of ourselves because we love him and want to make him happy we need each other and he would do anything for us. This man showers us with gifts and adorns us with the finer things in life. He tells us how his life has changed for the better since we became a part of it. He cannot live without us and does not know how he survived this long devoid of having us in his life. Then he looks us in the eye and says how much he loves us and that he will never hurt or abandon us. After all, he is a man of his word, right?

Why is it that we always think it will never happen to us? The truth of the matter is that it has happened. Time after time, women have given their hearts to men, only to have them ripped apart upon finding out that their man had an affair with another woman during their relationship. More than 50% of men in relationships have had intercourse with a woman other than their significant other you do the math. This means that out of every two couples, at least one woman has gone through this devastating encounter. It does not matter if it was a one night stand or an affair that lasted for months or years. The damage to the relationship and the extent of pain experienced by the woman is tremendous. There are no words that can describe the magnitude of pain and betrayal a woman suffers when she discovers her mans infidelity.

I always suspected that an affair had taken place. I dont know. Just something down in my gut told me that he was having an affair with someone. At first I thought it was someone that I knew but he kept denying that anything had happened. He would hang out a lot with his friends after we got married and they would drink and go to clubs. For years, I thought we had the perfect marriage. Of course we had our share of problems like any other couple but never anything like an affair. I remember I use to think about how blessed I was because my husband had never slept around on me. Now, years later, we are having this conversation where were being totally honest with each other and he admits to having a one night stand with another woman more than 15 years ago. He claims that he didnt know the woman. Apparently, he and some guys were at a club drinking and doing drugs and he cannot remember anything that happened after that. He claims that even today, he still doesnt remember what happened. Although he feels certain that he did have intercourse with a woman due to things that transpired with him over the next several days. He stated that not being able to remember anything that happened after they did the drugs scared him so bad that all he could do was ask God to forgive him. I ask him why he didnt tell me the truth years ago. He said that he didnt want to hurt me and that after he had prayed for God to forgive him, he just left it at that. I was shocked. He apologized and asked me if I could forgive him. I immediately went into denial. I couldnt believe what I was hearing. All these years I thought that my husband was different and had never had an affair on me I was so wrong. How could I have been such a fool? I had ask him several times over the years had he ever slept with anyone during our marriage and his answer was, No. Like he was going to actually tell me the truth, right? But it all makes sense now. I remember him coming home one day and telling me that I needed to go to the doctor with him. When I asked what was going on he said that the doctor told him that he had gonorrhea and that I needed to be treated. I asked him how did he get gonorrhea and he said that he didnt know. After this huge injection (the largest syringe Ive ever seen), I ask the doctor why am I getting this shot? He told me that I had been infected with gonorrhea. So I asked the stupid million dollar question. How did I get that? He replied, your husbands been sleeping around on you. When I told my husband what the doctor said, once again, he denied having an affair. I had lived with that denial all these years because I couldnt face the truth. I didnt want to feel the pain. And now came a confession when I least expected it. What are you suppose to do with that kind of information more than 15 years later? The knowledge of him having an affair with a woman during our marriage hurt like hell. I had lived a lie all these years. When he first told me I couldnt deal with it. Envisioning him having intercourse with another woman was more than I could handle at the time so I suppressed it and put it out of my mind. Weeks went by before I said anything about it. We were going about life as usual but life wasnt as usual. Everything had changed, he defied our marriage vows. I couldnt go on pretending that everything was okay, it wasnt. I was irate but I did not want to take his life. There were too many other issues to deal with. The hurt and the pain were unbelievable. You would think that because it happened so long ago that I wouldnt feel so much pain but the truth of the matter is that it did hurt as though it had just happened yesterday. I began grieving the loss of my trust in him and the foundation of our marriage vows. When I questioned him about why it happened, he stated that our marriage was going through a lot during that time and he reminded me that people didnt think our marriage would last anyway. Then he went on to talk about how this was something that happened a long time ago and why it was affecting me the way that it was. This was something he just wanted to put behind him. Eventually, he came back and said that he wasnt trying to belittle the amount of pain that I was experiencing. Did I remain in the relationship? Yes, were still together for now and I ask God everyday to help me to forgive him. I keep seeing him in my minds eye having intercourse with another woman. I pray that God will remove that thought from my mind. The pain refreshes itself every time I see that picture. Our relationship has definitely changed. Which direction it will take, I guess only time will tell. When a woman has gone through this kind of emotional upset, I dont think she will ever really get over it. She may learn how to deal with it but there are some things that you cant go back and repair.