Paul DePompo PsyD ABPP - The Other Womans Affair: Gambling Your Heart and Reclaiming Your Life When Your Partner is Married

Paul DePompo, Psy.D.,ABPP

Misa Butsuhara, LMFT

Copyright 2015 by Paul DePompo, Psy.D., ABPP
CBTI of Southern California

Smashwords Edition
All rights reserved. Reproduction or translation of any part ofthis work beyond that permitted by Section 107 or 108 of the 1976United States Copyright Act without the permission of the copyrightowner is unlawful. Requests for permission or further informationshould be addressed to the Permissions Department, CBTI of SouthernCalifornia.

This publication is designed to provide accurate andauthoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered.It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engagedin rendering legal, accounting, or other professional services. Iflegal advice or other expert assistance is required, the servicesof a competent professional person should be sought.

Illustrations by Justin Quizon

To anyone in a relationship whofeels cast aside.

Acknowledgements &Permissions

We would like to thank all of our researchparticipants as well as our clients at the Infidelity Clinic whobravely shared their stories with us. Without their strength,openness, and collaboration, this book would not have beenpossible.

It is also important that we thank ourcolleagues at the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Institute ofSouthern California, whose dedication towards using a scientificapproach with clients continues to inspire us to become bettermental health professionals. We also would like to thank those atthe Institute who took on more work with patience and generosity inorder for us to (attempt to) meet our timelines for this self-helpendeavor.

We are grateful to Dr. Windy Dryden, whoseteachings have influenced the underpinnings of our work, and to Dr.Janis Abrahms Spring, whose work with couples has contributed toraising our interest and concern for the other.

A special thanks must go to the wiseChristopher Nelson, whose expertise and knowledge in poker (andmost other things) have helped deepen the metaphors between poker(a gambling game of skill) and the skill required to navigate arelationship with a married partner. His graciousness in providinghis insights has been invaluable.

We would also like to thank AlliantInternational University for assisting with the IRB process for thestudy. And finally, thank you, Starbucks and various other SouthernCalifornia coffee houses for hosting us during our book writingduring times we wanted to leave the office and feel like we werenot working while we were.

STEP ONE

Your Hand & His Hand

Are you in a relationship with the one? Is hemarried or somehow tied to someone else? If so, you areexperiencing one of the most difficult struggles someone can face.You may spend much of your time wondering how this relationshipwill work out. What is his life like when he is away? What is heup to? You might be asking yourself these questions while tellingyourself that youre fine!

Has he told you that he and his wife are nolonger having sex? Or that they sleep in separate bedrooms and theyare close to getting divorced? Do you need more answers? Are youwaiting to see if he will choose you instead of his wife andfamily?

You are probably experiencing many feelings and thoughts about your relationship.You wonder whether it will work out. Despite the close connectionbetween both of you, situations come up that trigger problems.

Take 35 year-old Maria for example. Shereconnected online with her high school sweetheart, Daniel. He hadinitially told Maria that hed be divorced within one year. Mariaand Daniel have been together for three years now. Maria is stillunsure if Daniel has officially filed for divorce. At this point,Maria is really worried about the future of her relationship. Shetells herself, Ive already invested three years of my life intothis relationship, it has to workout!

Marias heart races and she feels nauseousthroughout the day. She finds herself distracted at work as aPhysicians Assistant. She worries about her relationship when sheshould be focused on treating patients. As a way of coping with heranxiety, Maria blocks out her thoughts about what might happen inthe future. She wants to avoid conflict between herself and Danielin order to keep things positive.

As Maria tries to just ignore her anxiety,she finds herself feeling more anxious! This becomes a cycle forher.

Take a look at the list of common reactionsbelow. Are any of these feelings and thoughts familiar to you inyour current situation? This list is a collection of some of themost common reactions we have discovered in our research andclinical work.

Common Reactions When Your Partner Is Married:

If you have any of the reactions above, itsno wonder! Its human nature. The more important something is toyou (like your relationship), the more intensely you will think, such as Marias thought,This has to work out! This hurts yourability to think things through clearly and make confident decisions. Ultimately, you may be acting in waysthat work against you in thisrelationship. For example, you might be hiding your true feelingsor yelling when youre angry.

Is there a difference between theexpectations you have about what he should be doing and what you are actuallygetting ? On one hand, you may havea strong need to push down your worries when things are going well.You dont want to upset the apple cart. On the other hand, youmay have a stronger need to see progress in yourrelationship. You feel as though you need answers and reassurancefrom him .

Good Intentions

Regardless of how you are handling things, you aredoing so for good reasons ! Unfortunately,the way you are handling things may be problematic. Do you pushyour worries aside in order to pretend you are fine? Or, do youforce your partner to talk about difficult subjects, believingdirty laundry must always be aired?

You may believe that confronting him willmake him hear you so things can change faster. However, beingconfronting leads to more arguing and feeling even more disconnected. In the long run, nothingreally gets resolved!

Despite how stuck you might feel, we knowthat your partner has many good qualities! That is why you weredrawn to him in the first place! When things are going well, yousee him as having the qualities you want in a man. You connect with him in a different way than you havewith other men. This connection leads you to experience life asmore fulfilling and full of possibilities. Its as if the sunshines brighter, the trees look greener, and all seems right in theworld. At these times, you likely see yourself as more complete,confident, and alive. You may even see the people around you as more interesting and kind.

He, in turn, is very connected and attractedto you as well! However, he is also still connected to his wifethrough children, obligations, or a shared history. The times whenhe is unavailable and you need him are themost difficult. Having to spend holidays without him isparticularly difficult. His day-to-day obligations to his familyand work also take time away from you. During these times, you mayexperience life as lonely and dark. You may feel as though you arein limbo, putting your life on hold, waiting to see what happens.You may see yourself as alone and secretly question your value. Thepeople around you may seem unfair andselfish.