Jen Kim - Love And . . .: Bad Boys, The One, and Other Fun Ways to Sabotage Your Relationship

Copyright 2018 by Jen Kim

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

Skyhorse Publishing books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion, corporate gifts, fund-raising, or educational purposes. Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018 or .

Skyhorse and Skyhorse Publishing are registered trademarks of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc., a Delaware corporation.

Visit our website at www.skyhorsepublishing.com.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Jane Sheppard

Cover photo credit: iStockphoto

Print ISBN: 978-1-5107-2784-7

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-2787-8

Printed in the United States of America

Disclaimer: Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals and, more importantly, my friendships.

Contents

Introduction

W eve all been there. You go on an amazing date with a guy who never follows up. Or maybe youve found your forever person, but theyve decided forever is only three days. Perhaps, youre in the best relationship youve ever had, but your partner simply isnt ready to take the next step, even though youre now in your mid-thirties and pretty sure you have, like, eight eggs left in your ovaries, and theyre all gripping for dear life in your reproductive tract.

For the past seven years, I have been writing a blog for Psychology Today called Valley Girl With a Brain. While I dont have any recognized medical training or counseling credentials per se, I did intern at Psychology Today for a few enlightening months and have provided thousands of hours of pro bono counseling to many friends and lucky strangers who just happened to sit next to me on public transportation or in darkened movie theaters.

In my posts, I spend a lot of time dissecting why things happen the way they do. I look to science and talk with experts to find answers to my lifes most pressing mysteries. Why did I get dumped? Why do I get such joy in stalking my exs ex-girlfriend? Why wont my boyfriend freakin propose?

So, what is this book about exactly? Spoiler alert: Its about Love, but thats just part of it. The really exciting part is in the second half of the title ... Bad Boys, The One & Other Fun Ways to Sabotage Your Relationship. Because these are the things that have prevented me (and maybe you) from finding true, lasting loveor at least the kind society dictates that Im supposed to have at this point in my life.

When something goes wrong in a relationship, or when we get hurt, too often we look inward and agonize over the mistakes we may have made. What we could have done to prevent it from happening. Why it was our fault. Ive had countless conversations with other women, hashing out these very concerns. We are on a never-ending quest to explain the inexplicable. To discover the undiscoverable. To understand the incomprehensible.

Until now.

During the past seven years, I have read through myriad studies and talked to people who are much smarter than me in an attempt to uncover the reasons why this shit always seems to happen. Why we either feel crazy or are accused of being crazy. Why we are attracted to the wrong person. Why we cant get over people who so clearly dont care about us.

And the findings are fascinating: most of the time, our so-called mistakes and relationship woes are indelibly tied to our biology. In other words, dont blame yourselfblame science. Just because you arent in a loving relationship or married with 2.5 kids and a dog (yet) does not make you freakish, unlovable, or deficient. The most likely scenario is that theres Love and... countless other psychological, biological, neurological, and scientific factors adversely impacting your romantic life at any given time.

This is not a traditional self-help book, promise. You will not be told what to do or be judged for what youre currently doing as far as your relationships are concerned.

After all, who among us hasnt dated a bad boy (or ten), been certain that we met the one, or given an ultimatum or two? At last, well be able to understand why.

Chapter 1

Love and... Dating

Why everyone we meet seems to be a creep or weirdo.

I love to hear how-we-met stories. Seeing peoples faces light up as they recount these serendipitous memories is always endearing, but its not really what I care about. I listen for clues, details, any intel that might lead me to my own meet-cute how-we-met story. Oftentimes I find myself perplexed, wondering: How do I get what you two have? What makes you so special? But youre the worsthow the hell did you find someone so wonderful?

Most of my twenties were spent as a single gal, living in Los Angeles. These were the pre-Tinder days, when websites like Match.com and eHarmony were slowly beginning to dominate the Internet matchmaking market. At the time, my friends and I used to joke about being lucky that we never had to resort to online datinga concept that is ostensibly unthinkable now. Even though we did not need the support of external matchmaking services, dating was still never something wed call easy. By the time I was twenty-six, the majority of women in my life were either still single, dating someone in secret, or attempting to decipher the status of a murky relationship. Only one woman I knew was married; she met her husband in Virginia and moved there to be with him, never to be heard from again. Whether you are a bright-eyed tourist or a jaded resident, its difficult not to get swept away by L.A.s primary export: fantasy. Hollywood is the backdrop to some of cinemas most iconic romances, from classics like Rebel Without a Cause and Chinatown to modern favorites like 500 Days of Summer and La La Land. And, just as all of these on-screen romances ended in doom and despairripped apart by circumstances seemingly beyond their controlso had all of mine and my friends.

My best friend Lily, who has been a roommate, life mate, and confidante for the better part of two decades, claims there is no place worse to be in a relationship than in the City of Angels. Her theory is that there are so many attractive womenI once heard 10,000 models and actors move to L.A. yearly to pursue stardom (in other words, there is a nearly constant stream of hotties being shipped to the West Coast)that men, especially attractive men, no longer feel the need or have the desire to behave like gentlemen. Lets think about it in terms of supply and demand. An enormous supply of attractive women requires less demand for men to invest in relationships, since they can always audition a newer, younger, skinnier model at the next intersection. Though her theory isnt based on any scientific data other than firsthand experience and watching a whole lot of Entourage, its not completely off base. In fact, it is reminiscent of a modern-day social phenomenon: the paradox of choice.

THE PARADOX OF CHOICE IS WHY DATING SUCKS