Guy Finley - Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together

Llewellyn Publications

Woodbury, Minnesota

Copyright Information

Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together 2018 by Guy Finley.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any matter whatsoever, including Internet usage, without written permission from Llewellyn Publications, except in the form of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

As the purchaser of this e-book, you are granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. The text may not be otherwise reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, or recorded on any other storage device in any form or by any means.

Any unauthorized usage of the text without express written permission of the publisher is a violation of the authors copyright and is illegal and punishable by law.

First e-book edition 2018

E-book ISBN: 9780738755687

Cover design by Kristi Carlson

Llewellyn Publications is an imprint of Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Finley, Guy, author.

Title: Relationship magic : waking up together / Guy Finley.

Description: First edition. | Woodbury, Minnesota : Llewellyn
Publications, [2018].

Identifiers: LCCN 2018024775 (print) | LCCN 2018037137 (ebook)
| ISBN 9780738755687 (ebook) | ISBN 9780738754093 (alk.
paper)

Subjects: LCSH: Love. | Interpersonal relations.

Classification: LCC BF575.L8 (ebook) | LCC BF575.L8 .F525 2018
(print) | DDC 158.2dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018024775

Llewellyn Publications does not participate in, endorse, or have any authority or responsibility concerning private business arrangements between our authors and the public.

Any Internet references contained in this work are current at publication time, but the publisher cannot guarantee that a specific reference will continue or be maintained. Please refer to the publishers website for links to current author websites.

Llewellyn Publications

Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd.

2143 Wooddale Drive

Woodbury, MN 55125

www.llewellyn.com

Manufactured in the United States of America

xi Contents

by Dr. Laura Markham

chapter 1:

chapter 2:

chapter 3:

chapter 4:

chapter 5:

chapter 6:

chapter 7:

chapter 8:

chapter 9:

chapter 10:

Dedication

Trying to thank, by name, all the good people who had a hand in helping make this book a reality would be like a tree hoping to recall all the sunlight and breezes that ever touched and brushed its leaves nourishing it, moving it, challenging and strengthening it over its many years on this earth.

So, my thanks to all of you, and to all including those who set themselves against me a measure of whatever love is mine to offer.

To VH: without whom the ideas in this book may have never come into the light.

To Dr. Ellen Dickstein: a special tip of the hat for your dedicated efforts and fine skills in helping to make this a better book for all who will turn its pages.

But most of all, to my wife, Patricia: thank you.

Side by side and now for almost four decades she has walked with me through thick and thin helping me more than anyone else on this earth to understand just how deep, ceaseless, and true runs the Magic of Love.

She is, and always will be, my closest friend, chief editor, and consummate lover.

GF

Foreword

By Dr. Laura Markham

I ts common wisdom that relationships are hard. They may begin with the magic of romance, but as we start to weave our lives together, tensions inevitably surface. Differing needs, wants, and perspectives are part of every human relationship, and most of us dont learn how to work through conflict constructively while were growing up.

Most relationship books reassure us that fights are essential to work out our differences, as long as couples fight fair. But in Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together, Guy Finley issues a radical challenge to the assumption that fights with our partners can be healthy. After all, what does a fair fight look like when each person is sure theyre right? We think were defending something important, so we lash out; we use our knowledge of our partners tender places to wound; we insist that our partner concede that were right and theyre wrong. Somehow, we think that holding our partner responsible for our pain will stop it from hurting. Too often, even when we try to fight fair, our fights leave a trail of wreckage. And because most fights end in stalemates that dont resolve anything, the same conflicts simmer and erupt repeatedly, solidifying into barriers that create a growing distance between us.

Many couples try to avoid destructive fighting, but the alternative is usually storing up unexpressed grievances. Unfortunately, research confirms the wisdom many couples learn from painful experience: this strategy leads to resentment and contempt, which inevitably erode love.

Its not surprising that most couples feel trapped between these two damaging paths fighting or stuffing our needs neither of which leads to the relationship we know in our hearts is possible. But what if there were another answer? What if you could avoid damaging fights altogether, but instead of accumulating resentments, you could use those challenging moments to grow? What if you could turn any heated exchange into a healing turning point?