Stan Tatkin - We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love

This book is dedicated to my wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin,

to whom I owe my freedom, my safety, my security, and the resources

with which I could write this book. And to my stepdaughter,

Joanna, who would fight every battle for me, if I wished.

Thank you, my loves, for putting up with your pain in the ass.

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

WHY SHOULD YOU WE DO?

A s a couple therapist, Im constantly seeing partners who have made many mistakes right from the very beginning. I know that if I had seen them before marriage, I could have predicted the troubles they would later share with me. This may sound arrogant and presumptuous, but once you understand what works and what can never work in any love relationship, you come to understand the trajectory of failed marriages. I wish I had known this many years ago when my first marriage ended and before Id learned the skills and attitude necessary for a healthy, secure-functioning relationship, which Im living today with my wife, Tracey. Im writing this book now because I believe in prevention. If I know that when marriages start improperly they also run aground predictably, why not send out a clarion call to those just beginning their commitment journey?

Ive witnessed many individuals engage in major endeavors without first learning about them. For instance, many people who want to become parents will avoid or refuse to seek counsel, support, or even books and articles that would help prepare them for the road ahead. Many folks who are becoming stepparents jump right in without the benefit of reading literature or getting counseling that can help prepare them for stepparenting. Major life endeavors such as marriage, stepparenting, or parenting require preparation. Perhaps individuals ignore counsel because people, generally speaking, dont like being told what to do. Many people think that marriage, like child-rearing or stepparenting, should come naturally, as if were born with a road map on how to do it well. Because of the business Im in, I see clearly that very few people have that road map.

What Im saying here should interest both you and your partner, not just one of you. If only one of you is interested in learning what I have to say to you in this book, that right there may be a huge problem. If ignored, I may see you in my office sooner rather than later.

I dont want to use a stick when there really is a carrot here. There are huge benefits to partnering, which I will say a lot about throughout this book. My purpose here isnt to put the fear of God into you but rather to help you save yourself time and grief by not reinventing the wheel. If reading this book can make both of you happier, healthier, more successful, and better people, would that be worth your while?

I intend to give you all that I currently know and understand about love relationships, particularly committed love relationships. You will come to see that learning to become secure-functioning partners is a process of we do and not I dowhich is why I want you to read this book together and follow the many exercises and suggestions it lays out. Like marriage, reading this book is a two-person endeavor, not a one-person project. And that, my friends, is the big message in this written work. We do means just that. We either do this together, as a team, or we dont do this at all.

One more thing. I, along with many of my heroes in the field of relationshipsHarville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Marion Solomon, Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson, John and Julie Gottman, Daniel J. Siegel, and Sue Johnsonagree with the basic principles of secure functioning as laid out in this book. Though we each have our various approaches, we agree that our culture has shifted too far in the direction of me-ism and away from we-ism.

WHY WE DO?

Before I continue, dear friends, I want to address my fear that you may be misled by the mixed cultural messages about pair-bondinga fancy term

AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION

Still, approximately 42 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and the average length of those marriages is only eight years. Sixty percent of second marriages end in divorce. Seventy-three percent of all third marriages end in divorce. If you want to beat the odds, whats the best way? Prevention! Prevention by becoming experts on each other, accepting each other as is, becoming excellent co-managers of each others nervous system, creating unassailable shared principles of purpose and vision, managing thirds properly, and engaging in a secure-functioning manner thats collaborative, fair, just, and sensitive.

What I offer in this book is a psychobiological approach to couple work, which simply means that I consider both psychological and biological factors as to how we connect and relate to one another. Psychologically, I focus heavily on family history and on our early experiences of how we bonded with othersour parents and siblings, for example. Biologically, I focus on how our brain, arousal system, and physical health influence our approach to relationships. This includes how you read your partner, as well as how you manage each other on an emotional and energetic level. Research tells us that both our psychology and biology are major factors for predicting long-term relationship success. Luckily most of these factors are malleable and subject to change. Relationships affect and change our biology for better or worse.

Theres a lot of advice out there for couples planning to tie the knot, to move in together, to have a family togetherto commit. You can get help from books, talk shows, counselors, workshops, and friends. Unfortunately much of this advice, though helpful at times, lacks psychological depth, comprehensiveness, and a research-based, systematic approach. Clergy who offer premarital counseling often use interviewsor a questionnaire-oriented processthat fail to prepare couples for the long journey ahead. Premarital counseling within a secular context suffers from the same problems. Im not suggesting you avoid meeting with a member of your clergy to get spiritual advice prior to marrying, but rather that you use this book alongside the spiritual guidance you receive. This book takes a science-and-research-based approach to the matter of human pair-bonding that includes developmental neuroscience, arousal regulation, and attachment theory, all in plainspoken language.

A primary purpose of this book is early prevention, and the preemptive methods discussed throughout are based on my Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), developed out of both infant and adult attachment research, marital outcome studies, and developmental neurobiological capacity models (what people are able to do on a social-emotional level). We will spend a few chapters discussing the psychology of relationships, because your past experiences relating with others, especially those from childhood, impact you today. I aim to help you prevent future marital problems rather than sit back and wait to help you solve those problems after they occur. Although therapy can be very valuable down the line, theres a greater risk that it will come too late when you havent addressed core needs, desires, styles of relating, and mutually agreed-upon principles of power and direction. Together, lets set up your relationship from the get-go so that it has all the elements it needs to succeed.

So I start off this book with a strong message to you: no matter where you stand on marriage or commitment, your relationships and their quality will greatly influence (if not determine) your health and happiness in life. Thats because you need other people for a whole lot of important things, only one of which is companionship. Adult human beings require at least one other adult human being (not a child) to help with self-esteem, self-knowledge, self-discovery, and self-improvement. You need another person for silly things, such as letting you know if you have spinach in your teeth, and more significant things, such as helping you understand what you dont know (and there are tons of things you dont know). You need another person to trust. (I bet you thought I would say that you need another person to trust you. Thats true as well, and its certainly nice. But the first is, well, first.) You