Owen Williams - The Relationship Revolution: Are You Part Of The Movement Or Part Of The Resistance?

Copyright 2009 by Owen Williams

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information and retrieval, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in 2009 by
BPS Books
Toronto, Canada
www.bpsbooks.com
A division of
Bastian Publishing Services Ltd.

ISBN 978-1-926645-04-9

Canadian Cataloguing in Publication Data available from Library and Archives Canada

Cover design: Robin Uchida
Text design and typesetting: Tannice Goddard, Soul Oasis Networking

To Ali,
my beloved co-conspirator
on this journey of life

1 The Revolution
Relationships are simple, not necessarily easy

2 Relationship Excellence
You cant mend the fence while youre sitting on it

3 The Purpose of Relationship
The pain of being stuck can get you past the fear of change

4 Words and Actions
Its not what you say that matters; its what you do

5 Three Relationship Killers
Anger isnt negative; how its expressed can be

6 The Work of Men
A man should never change his mind just to please a woman

7 The Work of Women
A woman should never please a man just to change his mind

8 The Work of Relationship
Relationships dont just happen; theyre built

9 Telling the Truth
The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable

10 Three Relationship Builders
To heal the world, we must first heal ourselves

FOR MANY YEARS I HAD a mentor who conducted her life from a slow and grounded place. She lived with great health until she was almost one hundred and two. She had no children, though she was married twice her second marriage lasting forty-five years. Mrs. Lillie taught and inspired me to slow down and focus on what matters most. She was fond of telling me that the answers are inside us; that if we can just get out of our own way and slow ourselves down long enough for our bodies to catch up with us, all would be revealed. You cant figure things out in your head, she often said. Get into your body and get them working together.

I have written this book in service of the countless people who have crossed my path both personally and professionally and have shared their desire for what I, too, have always wanted: a simpler life the kind of life Mrs. Lillie modeled for me. I have always known that there was an easier way to be in the world; indeed, in many respects my parents, while far from perfect, lived a simpler way. This book in part is about returning to what has always been, a return to the innocent in each of us where life just is. A place where there is no angst but simply peace.

For many years I have pondered the questions:

What if the relationship I have with myself is the key to what I create with others?

What if life really could be this simple?

What would I have to let go of to create peace in my life?

What if the way Ive chosen to see my world is really just a dream?

What would I create for myself if I could dream a different dream?

This book is a result of my exploration of these questions; it is my attempt to meet a desire felt by most of us to create the kind of relationships and families that will collectively co-create a healthier community at large. The book is based on two major principles: that we have to get out of our own way and that relationship is a vehicle for our greatness.

Although this book is written in the context of conventional marriage, the principles may be applied to all relationships.

MY HEARTFELT THANKS go out to my sister Shn Hughes, who went out of her way to support me in the writing of this book. And to my coach, Tony Parry, whose love and wisdom are priceless. I also choose to acknowledge myself for the courage to step in and make this happen. I would never have started to write this book if I had known what it would take to complete it, yet I have grown immensely through committing to bring it to life.

There are many special people along the way who have been there for me and without whose feedback and insight I wouldnt have gained the strength needed for this task. A big thank-you to Don Bastian and his team at BPS Books. In no particular order I want to thank Boris Krul, Lianne Doucet, Jennifer Pernfuss, Chris and Nikki St. John, Eileen Daly, Fran and Dermot Grove-White, Anne-Shirley Clough, Paul Vereshak, Simon Mortimer, Karen and Henry Kimsey-House, Thiaga Murugasu, and Sue Pimento.

And for their creativity I celebrate Lorraine Parow and Robin Uchida, who without doubt enhance beauty in the world.

MANY OF US AT ONE time or another have asked ourselves, What am I doing in this relationship? This question is usually a precursor to an intense desire to end the relationship by running away from the tension of the moment.

Indeed, relationships in our society are as disposable as a fast-food container. Many of us try to solve our current relationship problem by getting into a new relationship. Others of us stay, but we might as well have thrown our relationship away. For us, relationship fatigue has set in. Tired of getting hurt, we settle for whatever we can get usually a bland, mediocre existence that passes for relationship.

Happy, healthy relationships are few and far between. For example, with the divorce rate in Canada at over fifty percent, an estimated 50,000 children were impacted by divorce in 2008 alone. The numbers are tragic and getting worse. At least eighty percent of the couples I coach through relationship challenges are themselves from divorced families. The tone set for them then and intensified today is that divorce is not just an acceptable option, its mainstream.

We need a Relationship Revolution, and we need it now. A revolution that would cause us to ask the question above with the emphasis on the I indicating that we take responsibility for the tone and quality of our relationship.

Whether were dealing in our relationship with infidelity, anger issues, setting and maintaining boundaries, self-care, money, work, sex, in-laws, or any other issue, we face a choice point. Do we stick with the boring, unfulfilling devil of a relationship we know; get out of the relationship altogether; or deepen our commitment to the relationship were in by working on ourselves?

I have coached individuals and couples for over fifteen years and have come to the conclusion that relationships are innocent until proven guilty. Unless one member of the couple is aggressing against the other and is absolutely unwilling to change, it is better for the couple to deepen their learning of themselves within their present relationship. I tell them they get to deal with their challenges now in their present relationship or find themselves in another problematic relationship. Because even if a woman thinks she keeps attracting the wrong kind of man, that is her issue. Or if a man thinks women only want one thing, that is his issue to explore and resolve. The only thing we need to change in life is our mind.