Barton Goldsmith - Emotional Fitness for Couples: 10 Minutes a Day to a Better Relationship

This book has some very good ideas on how couples can stop their anger at each other and live more successfully together.

Albert Ellis, Ph.D., noted psychologist and author of A Guide to Rational Living

Bulls-eye! Like a Zen archer, Barton Goldsmith releases an arrow into the very center of intimacy. And like a Zen monk he writes with a disarming charm and graceful elegance, creating a book that is fun, funny, yet penetratingly wise. My advice is simpleRead it.

Shawn Christopher Shea, MD, author of Happiness Is and Psychiatric Interviewing: the Art of Understanding

Goldsmith is the BEST natural born therapist I have ever met. I thoroughly enjoy working with him.

David Viscott, MD, TV and radio talk show host and author of The Making of a Psychiatrist

I can HONESTLY say that Goldsmithss book is outstandinga really terrific combination of good bedside manner, useful and practical information, and common sense.

Anne Sheffield, award winning author of Depression Fallout and How You Can Survive When Theyre Depressed

At last a book that not only guides the reader when it comes to successful relationships but shows us the value of emotional fitness: communication, nurturance and constancy, in partnering. By subscribing to Goldsmiths theory and practice, couples will end up with a more satisfying connection and a better sense of each others needs, as well as their own.

Susan Shapiro Barash, author of The New Wife: The Evolving Role of the American Wife

Love is all you needbut, you also need a well-written, easy-to-follow roadmap to the heartland. Renown relationship guru Barton Goldsmith has provided this map in Emotional Fitness. It is your guidebook to revitalizing your relationship.

Jeffrey K. Zeig, Ph.D., director of the Milton Erickson Foundation and organizer of the Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference

In Emotional Fitness for Couples, Goldsmith helps couples become proactive in their relationships by using easy to follow exercises and practical advice that allows them to enhance their interactions and their love.

Gerald G. Jampolsky, MD, author of Love Is Letting Go of Fear

Emotional Fitness for Couples

Barton Goldsmith

New Harbinger Publications

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books.

Copyright 2005 by Barton Goldsmith

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

Cover and text design by Amy Shoup; Acquired by Melissa Kirk

ISBN 978-1-608-824-3 ebook

All Rights Reserved.

New Harbinger Publications Web site address: www.newharbinger.com

Contents

Introduction

Part 1 Love

Part 2 Intimacy

Part 3 Romance

Part 4 Sex

Part 5 Keeping Your Balance

Part 6 Resolving Lifes Problems

Part 7 Pain, Hurt, and Anger

Part 8 Effective Communication

I am a team, and am deeply indebted to a cadre of friends, colleagues, and mentors. I am grateful for your support, guidance, cheerleading, and contributions to my life and work. Without you all, I know that this work could not have been accomplished.

Thanks to Tim Gallagher, publisher of The Ventura County Star, for liking my articles enough to give them a chance, and to Scripps-Howard News Service for nationally syndicating them. Thank you also to my readers, who prodded me to write this book.

At KCLU Radio, Mary Olson, Jim Rondeau, Mia Kranatz-Shifflett, Teresa Olson, and the staff and listeners make me feel like a member of the family and do an amazing job producing Emotional Fitness for radio. Special thanks to my cohost, Pamela Michaels, and my right hands, Wendy Simpson Cherry, Chris Springhorn, and Mary Beth Trudeau, who are always here for me.

To my friends, teachers, and colleagues Dr. William Glasser; Linda Metzger, MFT; Scott James, Ph.D.; Albert Ellis, Ph.D.; Stephen Trudeau, Psy.D.; Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.; Louise L. Hay; Dr. Ned Hallowell; and Dr. Bernie Siegel; many thanks.

To my mentors Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who directed me to this new life, bless you; and to Dr. David Viscott, who gave me the highest compliment I have ever received and allowed me to learn from him, thank you.

Thanks also to my friends Jan Gilmore, Laurie Butler, Trygve Duryea, and Michael Park, who always listened. As well as to my writing mentors and editors Melissa Kirk, Brady Kahn, Ed Rigsbee, Geri Knilans, Kim Lamb-Gregory, and Karen Allen.

To my almost-a-daughter Keaton Talmadge, and Christine, Rafi and Anna Khardalian, and Piewacket, my narcissistic black cat, all of whom taught me that life is a gift and not every person who crosses my path is worth rubbing up against.

And most of all, I thank my clients, who have given me the greatest gift of all: their trust.

This book is dedicated to Silva,
who, with her open heart, continues to teach me, tease me,
inspire me, and make me a better man.

In my state of California (sometimes called the State of Confusion), health and fitness are highly valued, and people focus a lot of time and energy on their appearance and on getting their bodies fit. Many people change their lifestyles, go on all kinds of bizarre regimens and diets, and take numerous supplements and even medications in order to lose weight.

In comparison, very little energy is put toward getting and keeping our emotional selves and our primary relationships in shape. Sadly, many people put more time and energy into their hair than into their relationships (this is where Dr. Phil and I have an advantage over many men) and then complain about the lack of intimacy and satisfaction in their personal lives. The reason why some relationships work and many others dont is that couples in those working relationships work on them.

The most difficult part about achieving emotional fitness in a relationship can be figuring out exactly what to do or what to talk about in order to get there. Its hard for us to look inside and discover which parts of our emotional selves need to be in better shape. That is why I have written this book.

Getting your relationship emotionally fit requires doing something about it on a regular basis. With physical exercise, the more we do, the easier it gets, and emotional fitness works the same way. Unlike a physical workout, however, getting and staying emotionally fit can take as little as ten minutes a day and involve only small changes here and there. When you consider the value of the results, this is an extraordinarily good investment.

So put down the remote control, let the weeds in your garden grow a little longer, and send the kids to a movie, so the two of you can be alone and chat about your lives together.

This book explains in a straightforward manner how you can achieve a closer relationship with your partner, overcome difficulties, and develop not only deeper communication but a deeper emotional connectionall of which leads to the ability to have more fun together and a healthy sex life. Here is how I recommend getting the most out of the process. Start by finding a chapter that deals with one of the issues that is present in your relationship. If the chapter is helpful, share it with your partner. Next, talk about it and commit to making one of the suggested changes, and then do one of the exercises.

You can then read the book from the beginning or pick another chapter that really speaks to the issues that are in your face at the moment. The most important part is that you quickly share any insights or realizations with your partner.