Talia Wagner - Married Roommates: How to Go From a Relationship That Just Survives to a Marriage That Thrives

To this day, it isnt clear which one of us actually said it. Yet, once the word roommates was uttered aloud, it was like a bomb exploded in our living room. It was too late to take it back. Now it was out there and couldnt be ignored.

Regardless of who first called it, the truth was inescapable. After six years of marriage and two kids, we were in fact roommates. It was tough to accept that our amazing connection had dwindled into a stale transactional relationship of sorts, managing kids, house, careers, without much left over for each other. It was puzzling reallywe still loved each other but were trapped in endless tit for tats and circular disagreements that went nowhere, just serving to fuel the mutual blame and mounting resentments.

Being marriage and family therapists, we did what came naturallywe talked it out to the point of exhaustion. The wheels started turning when we began to break down how we got to roommate status in the first place. Looking at our habits and routines gave us a clearer picture of how our relationship had gone adrift. Surprisingly, it also led us to see the same telltale signs of roommates everywhere we looked. It was a shocker to realize that most of the married people around us felt as if they were just roommates, too, be it our friends or our clients.

While this revelation made us feel marginally better that we werent in relationship limbo alone, we started wondering what was going on in married households that led so many once happy and connected couples into becoming mere roommates.

We set off to find out.

Although it took us a long time to put all the pieces together and connect the dots, investing the time to research and understand this phenomenon probably ended up saving our marriage and those of countless clients along the way. Once we started seeing these same occurrences in relationship after relationship, we realized that a bigger issue was at play, and we saw its patterns everywhere. It was the same lack of fulfillment, frustration, and resentment, not just with our clients, but with everyone we talked to, which meant we were all doing it wrongwe simply didnt know how to be married.

The realization that we, like most, were grossly underprepared for life at this next level was a breakthrough. It wasnt anyones fault. Nobody prepared us for what marriage and kids would demand of us, for how hard it was going to get, and for how we would need to adapt to meet these changes. Nobody explained that the rules would change on us, that we would have to evolve or else. The old playbook from our independent single lives had to be ripped up, and a new, more developmentally appropriate plan had to take its place. Easier said than done. Our initial failure to adapt to the changing circumstances exacted a high cost that we paid for with the well-being of our marriage.

Through our own experience, we know that being roommates is a lonely and unsatisfying place for couples. It is a state of emotional disconnect, where the fibers of connectivity and feelings of togetherness have slowly eroded. The connection and synergy that pulled you together in the first place got lost in the shuffle of life. Stolen kisses, inside jokes, and pet names forgotten as you shoulder your shared load. No longer laughing and fooling around, finding each others eyes in a crowd, or driving across town just to be together for ten minutes. It escapes your mind that you would have done anything for just a smile, that you used to make each other better by just being around. That you found inspiration and joy in one another, hearts pattering, dopamine levels peaking. There was heat and lust, interest and yearningit was the fire, the energy behind your connectionall lost on the lonely road to roommates.

Married Roommates live parallel lives together. They subsist side by side, harmoniously or contentiously, performing their roles and carrying out routines. They handle their responsibilities and go through the motions of managing a shared life together, yet they do so with a critical piece missing. When the chemistry, lightness, and magic of being together disappears, there is an evident lack of emotional and physical connection. It is the reality for many couples who sit silently on opposite sides of the couch or sleep back-to-back, both feeling that an invisible wall separates them. These couples just exist together.

Most people have either experienced or witnessed this relationship state firsthand. These types of marriages are so common that some people simply believe that this roommate dynamic is what marriage really is, or what it will inevitably become.

The term Married Roommates describes couples who have reached the point where the only connection between them consists of family and household responsibilities, rather than the romantic or emotional connection they originally signed up for.

Many relationships end up in this unhappy and unfulfilling place. Too many. Time and time again, we have seen how subtle patterns of behavior toward one another evolve to become a new normal through which couples can easily drift into this disconnected and joyless state of Married Roommates.

Being marriage therapists, we are entrusted with couples personal stories. We hear what usually happens behind those proverbial closed doorsthose secrets that people dont share with the outside world. Having seen thousands of couples between us, and having our own relationship as a backdrop, we have a unique understanding of what couples deal with and experience every day. The manifestation of Married Roommates is the number one reason that couples seek us out. The sheer number of couples struggling with this reality is staggering. Seeing the easy fluidity with which married couples can enter this statethe same issues playing out in home after homehas led us to realize just how susceptible long-term partners are to becoming roommates.