The Marriage Book
2000 by Nicky and Sila Lee
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Illustrations by Charlie Mackesy
ISBN 978-1-934-56465-3
ISBN 978-0-310-09302-2 (eBook)
First Printing 2008
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Foreword
by Nicky Gumbel
M arriage is under attack in our society. Many feel it is an outdated institution. In the United Kingdom, the number of marriages per year has been falling steadily. Those who do get married find it increasingly difficult to stay married. There has been an alarming rise in the divorce rate. What is the answer to all of this? Why should we get married? How can we stay married?
In this book, Nicky and Sila answer these questions, showing us the value and potential of any marriage. They suggest how we can not only stay married but also make the most of our married lives together.
Nicky has been my closest friend for over thirty years. We were at school together and we shared rooms in college. He has always been one step ahead and I have tried to follow in his footsteps. He became a Christian on February 14, 1974. Forty-eight hours later he led me to Christ. Nicky and Sila married in 1976. Eighteen months later, Pippa and I followed suit. Our first three children are approximately the same age. They went on to have a fourth.
After university our paths separated as Nicky went off to teach in Japan and I practiced as a lawyer. Then Nicky went to theological college and one year later I followed. Nicky and Sila returned to London to join the staff of Holy Trinity Brompton (HTB). One year later we followed. Nicky and Sila ran Alpha for five years, passing on the baton to us in 1990.
They have taught us many things. In particular, we have learned so much from the example of their marriage and family life. We have observed in their home something to which we can aspire.
Nicky and Sila have run The Marriage Preparation Course at HTB since 1985 and The Marriage Course since 1996, and many couples have found their marriages enriched through attending them.
For some, the course has literally saved their marriages from separation or divorce. For others, they have turned the water of an ordinary marriage into the wine of a strong one, a transformation made possible by the presence of Jesus Christ. For still others, the courses have provided a forum to think creatively about making a good and healthy marriage even better.
While reading this book, you may feel that the Lees marriage is too good to be true, but having observed it for over thirty years, let me assure you that it is entirely true and that it inspires us to aim for the very best.
My hope and prayer is that through this book, many more people would be able to enjoy the fruit of Nicky and Silas example and wisdom.
Nicky Gumbel
Vicar of Holy Trinity Brompton
W e would like to thank the many people who have helped us with this book. Between them, they have spent hundreds of hours reading the manuscripts and suggesting changes and additions. The book could not have been written without them. We are particularly grateful to John and Diana Collins and Sandy and Annette Millar, who have inspired us through their teaching and their lives. We are also very grateful to those who have told us stories from their own marriages, which have rooted the theory in everyday experience.
We would like to express our enormous gratitude to Philippa Pearson-Miles, Mary Ellis, and Joanna Desmond for typing and retyping endless changes with great speed, skill, and patience, and to Charlie Mackesy for the fun he has brought to our family as well as to the book. To Jo Glen, our editor, we want to say a special thank you. Without her compelling enthusiasm, humor, imagination, and new ideas each time we got stuck, this book might never have been finished. We would also like to thank Nicky and Pippa Gumbel, not only for their friendship and encouragement over so many years, but for persuading us to start this project.
Finally we would like to thank our own parents for their constant love and the model of two long and happy marriages.
Nicky and Sila Lee
Love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
Nickys story
I first set eyes on Sila at Swansea Docks. I was en route to South West Ireland for the summer holidays, having just left school. I was eighteen; she was seventeen. It was love at first sight. We spent two weeks in next-door holiday cottages in one of the most beautiful and unspoiled corners of the British IslesSouth West Cork. Most of that time I hardly dared believe she might feel anything for me at all. Two days before she left I plucked up courage and told her my feelings and found to my astonishment that she felt the same.
Sila was still at school and had A levels to take. I had nine months before starting university and realized she probably wouldnt pass any of them if I stayed in the same country, so I went backpacking in Africa on my own. Africa was unlike anything I had experienced before. I felt in awe of the landscape, people, and culturebut secretly I was longing to be back in England with Sila. I was lonely for much of the time and lived for the letters she wrote to the capital cities of the countries I traveled through, from Addis Ababa to Cape Town. It worked well until I reached South Africa. There had been a gap of more than six weeks when I arrived in Cape Town, pinning all my hopes on a letter being there, only to find nothing (except one from my mother). I was devastated.