Harville Hendrix - Making Marriage Simple: Ten Truths for Changing the Relationship You Have into the One You Want

Copyright 2013 by Helen LaKelly Hunt and Harville Hendrix
Illustrations copyright 2013 by Elizabeth Perrachione

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Harmony Books, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com

Harmony Books is a registered trademark, and the Circle colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Hendrix, Harville.
Making marriage simple : 10 truths for changing the relationship you have into the one you want / Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.1st ed.
p. cm.

1. Marriage. 2. Married peoplePsychology. 3. Interpersonal relations.
4. Interpersonal conflict. 5. Man-woman relationships. I. Hunt, Helen, 1949
II. Title.
HQ734.H492 2013
306.81dc23 2012033304

eISBN: 978-0-7704-3713-8

Illustrations by Elizabeth Perrachione
Jacket design by Nupoor Gordon

v3.1

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We dedicate this book to five inspiring couples:

Ray and Nancy
Scott and Teresa
Kanya and James
Eric and Jennifer
Dan and Caroline

Introduction
Congratulations, You Are Part of Something Really Big!

Afterword
The Relationship Revolution

No book is written in isolationespecially one on relationships. Many wonderful people helped us simplify as well as dramatize the concepts in this book. Wed like to begin with special thanks to Elizabeth Perrachione, who weve known for twenty-five years (and wed never have dreamed, all those years ago, that wed collaborate on a book like this together). She not only helped us with the spirited writing of this book, but designed what we feel are the perfect illustrations. We doubt anyone in the world could touch her talent. Thank you!

A depth of appreciation also goes to our publisher, and most specifically to our editor, Sydny Miner, for thoughtfully supporting our vision for this book. And, of course, before the manuscript was even turned in, there were many who assisted us by offering their unerring eye. Sanam Hoon and Joan Dennistons attention to detail and care for this books future readers was evident in the input they offered. Like those holding cups of water at the side of a marathon, Bernadette Gallegos and Rachel Meltzer read many early drafts with wise feedback. Bob Kamm and Jill Fein Baker came in at just the right moments with useful input. We would also like to thank our agent, Doug Abrams, who shares our passion for healthy relationshipsand understands the breadth and depth of our vision. His input as we finalized the book was extremely helpful. We feel very fortunate to have such incredible people surrounding ussupporting our vision with such passion and commitment.

We also want to offer our ongoing appreciation to the global network of Imago Therapists and all they do to help couples throughout the world. And, last (but absolutely not least!) we offer our profound gratitude to every couple out there who is honest enough to admit that their relationship could be better, and who is committed to doing what it takes to build the relationship of their dreams. We make this offering for each and every one of you.

You bought this book to make your marriage better. Rest assured it will absolutely help you do that. In this book weve distilled the key concepts of our original book Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, and added the most important relationship wisdom weve discovered since. Our goal is to share what weve learned in short, clear chapters. The information and processes described here can move you from conflict to connectionintroducing you to Real, lasting Love.

And there is more! In the pages ahead, you will learn how to create a new kind of marriage. You are being invited into the forefront of what we believe is a Relationship Revolution. This short walk through the history of marriage will help explain what we mean.

Love is as old as human kind. The institution of marriage, however, is much more recent. And it is even more recently that marriage had anything to do with love. To offer a glimpse into how marriage has evolved, were going to break up this complex history into three distinct sections:

1. In prehistory, our hunter-gatherer ancestors formed pairbonds (which basically meant they went steady) to share food and shelter. Pairing up reduced the risk of getting picked off by a saber-toothed tiger or starving when food was scarce! Successful and fertile pair-bonding literally meant survival of the wandering bands.

2. Around eleven thousand years ago, hunter-gatherers settled down, becoming farmers. The concept of property began to evolve. It started with land, but eventually (and unfortunately) went on to include women, children, and slaves. Marriage was an arrangement created to protect the stuff one already had, while hopefully better positioning one to acquire even more. This often meant that marriages were arranged (usually by ones parentsa scary thought for some people). Love was not part of the equation.

3. In the eighteenth century the romantic marriage was born. Instead of being imposed by the moral constraints of a patriarchal society, marriage was now a personal choice. Individuals entered their relationships with newly recognized needs. But marriage didnt come with a how-to manual. And the self-help movement was a long way off. This left couples in the dark about how to identify their needs or ask for what they wanted. Enter: conflict. The divorce rate in the United States rose to 50 percent in the 1970s, where it has hovered for the last forty years.