Catherine E. Aponte - A Marriage of Equals: How to Achieve Balance in a Committed Relationship

ThirdPath Institute works with couples who aspire to create A Marriage of Equals. This book will now become the resource I strongly recommend to help them achieve their goals. In a world with very little guidance, and lots of obstacles, Catherine Aponte provides straightforward advice to help couples stay on track to creating healthy and happy relationships. First describing the beauty and strength of collaborative negotiation, then explaining how conflict often escalates to self-protective strategies that derail creative problem solving, A Marriage of Equals then outlines a number of antidotes to avoid this problem. Thank you, Dr. Aponte for creating such an important resource for couples who are looking for a new and better way to live happily every after.

Jessica DeGroot, Founder and President, The Third Path Institute (www.thirdpath.org)

What a pleasure to find such an insightful, helpful, and realistic discussion of what it means to have an equal marriage and what it takes to create one. If you are seeking an egalitarian partnership and a set of concrete strategies to achieve it, this is the book to read.

Kathleen Gerson, Ph.D., Professor of Sociology and Collegiate Professor of Arts and Science at New York University, and author of An Unfinished Revolution: How a New Generation Is Reshaping Family, Work, and Gender in America

A Marriage of Equals does what no other book available doesspeak to todays heterosexual couples who want to have an egalitarian marriage. In clear and respectful language, Catherine Aponte walks men and women through having thoughtful conversations that address gendered expectations and stereotypes that still plague couples no matter how much they want to live differently, and gives them the tools to make that happen.

Vicki Larson, award-winning journalist and co-author of The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels

Dr. Apontes collaborative negotiation approach has the potential to really shift dialogues and dynamics in couples just beginning their partnerships, as well as help seasoned couples who are stuck in conflict. The book is a challenge to all of us to not let societally proscribed gender roles dictate our expectations of ourselves and our partners in marriage. In short, this book answers the question about how to create a more equitable, just society related to gender. Her work gives me hope that such societal change is possible. She has certainly impacted how I think about and engage in marriage, and I trust everyone who reads her book will be impacted as well. I would recommend the book to couples considering marriage, those wishing to enhance their marriage, as well as to therapists who work with couples in distress and academicians who are teaching the next generation of therapists how to do couples work.

Brenda Futrell Nash, Ph.D. Director of Clinical Training, School of Professional Psychology, Spalding University, Louisville, KY

Based on decades of clinical practice and supervision, [Aponte] has written a wise book that is theoretically sound (neo-cognitive and interpersonal), with fresh insights on sex and monogamy. As a practicing psychologist who specializes in couples, I will enthusiastically recommend this accessible, compelling and relevant book to any couple especially young couples!

Scott Salathe, Psy.D., Salathe Behavior Health, Individual and Couples Therapy, Clinical Faculty School of Professional Psychology, Spalding University, Louisville, KY

I loved the Takeaways at the end of each chapter and wish every self-help style book did this. You discuss many different points that can strengthen a marriage. I liked the idea of collaborative negotiation and how positively it can impact all marriages. Couples do need to recognize that to flourish as a couple, they need to flourish as individuals. This book made me realize how critical self-reflection is, the importance of identifying insecurities and working through them, and how we need to understand each others concerns.

Greg W., Construction Company Project Manager, lives in Louisville, Kentucky

Copyright 2019 Catherine E. Aponte PsyD

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, digital scanning, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please address She Writes Press.

Published 2019

Printed in the United States of America
ISBN: 978-1-63152-497-4 pbk
ISBN: 978-1-63152-498-1 ebk
Library of Congress Control Number: 2018962995

For information, address:
She Writes Press
1569 Solano Ave #546
Berkeley, CA 94707

She Writes Press is a division of SparkPoint Studio, LLC.

Book design by Stacey Aaronson

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Names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the privacy of certain individuals.

It is with pleasure that I write the foreword for A Marriage of Equals: How to Achieve Balance in a Committed Relationship. This book is the by-product of Dr. Catherine E. Apontes extensive professional career and personal life experiences. The book reflects Catherines academic education and training, her teaching and supervision of doctoral-level psychology students, her experiences working with couples in her private clinical practice, and her real-life experiences in a long-term marriage. All these experiences are pulled together from a psychological perspective in a cogent, well-organized, and comprehensive manner that will set you on a path to looking at yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

The concepts, principles, and concrete steps identified by Catherine in this book are grounded in solid psychological and sociological research. (How the Revolution Can Stall) addresses ways in which this approach to marriage can be underminedi.e., gender traps. In addition, managing difficult situations, such as when your partner is mentally ill, is addressed in this part of the book.

Collaborative negotiation, according to Catherine, is a critical element in achieving your equitable marriage. This concept in not the structured and staid version of negotiation presented by business or psychotherapeutic literature and practice. Rather, Catherine describes a dynamic process that defines collaborative negotiation in . Simultaneously seeing oneself as an individual and seeing yourself as a couple is an important part of this process. In order for collaborative negotiation to work, each person in the relationship must be self-reflective and value their partner.

Several of the concepts discussed by Catherine in ). These self-protective strategies are formed, as many psychologists argue, by our early childhood experiences.

Although this is not a how-to book, there are a number of practical steps and exercises both in the body of the book and in the appendices. For example, in , the Taking Things Personally Worksheet, provides a detailed and systematic guide to learn more about yourself and engage in more constructive interactions with your spouse.