Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis - The committed marriage: a guide to finding a soul mate and building a relationship through timeless biblical wisdom

To my children and grandchildren
the blessings of my life

Rabbi Shlomo and Chaya Sora Gertzulin

Rabbi Yisroel and Rivkie Jungreis

Mendy and Slovi Wolff

Rabbi Osher Anshil and Yaffa Jungreis

How can I ever thank you?

You have given me so much joy, so many blessings.

After Abba of blessed memory was called from on High

It is you and your beautiful children
who sustained me and lent sweetness to my life

I pray that HaShem bless you,
your children, and your childrens children forevermore
with Torah, chesed, and boundless love.

May your homes forever be Mikdashei Matsanctuaries in
miniature,
in which the spirit of G-d resides
and peace and harmony prevails.
Your Mother
whose soul is forever bound with yours
Vnafsho keshura Bnafsho

In Profound Gratitude

I thank the Almighty
for His many kindnesses.

I thank Him for having granted me
the privilege of writing this book

and teaching His Holy Torah.

I pray that the words of this
book enter peoples hearts

so that they may invite G-d into
their homes

and bring peace and harmony
into their lives.

CONTENTS

O n September 11, 2001, the world changed. As the Twin Towers turned into a hellish inferno, those trapped on the upper floors and those aboard the pirated aircraft desperately reached for their cell phones to get one last message out. Perhaps this was the very first time in recorded history that a group of people, knowing that they were breathing their last, were able to communicate with those who were most precious to them. What do you imagine their final words would be? What would be their last will and testament? Incredibly, they all uttered the same words, I love you, again and again: I love you. There was no talk of vengeance or hatred, no recriminations. There were no instructions for running the business or disbursement of assets, nor was there even a trace of anger or bitterness, only the simple awesome words, I love you.

Those words of the victims touched the hearts and souls of our nation and inspired people to reevaluate their lives. Couples who were on the verge of divorce reexamined their options and decided to give it another try. Career professionals who would stay late at night at their offices now resolved to return home early and have dinner with their families. Young people who had deferred marriage decided to commit, and couples who had postponed starting a family decided to wait no longer. Life is so uncertainat least I should have someone to whom I can say with a full heart, I love you, a young woman confided. These feelings of love spilled over into every area of life. New Yorkers, who are normally brusque, always in a rush, actually became friendly and even stopped to inquire, How are you? The country was draped in red, white, and blue in a new surge of patriotism and pride.

A short time after September 11, I was scheduled to speak at an out-of-state university. The quiet at JFK airport was eerie, and I thought nostalgically of the hustle and bustle, the long lines, which only yesterday were so irksome. The plane was half-empty and there was room to stretch out. For the first time, I would have much preferred a full flight. I reached into my purse for my constant companion, my book of psalms. The flight attendant, walking down the aisle, stopped and said, Put in a prayer for me as well. We started to chat. She related that her husband was a pilot, and after September 11 they had decided to make major changes in their lives.

I hope Im not intruding, but may I ask what those changes are? I was curious to learn how that horrific evil had affected peoples lives.

Well, for one thing, she said, we became aware of the uncertainty of our liveshow in one split second everything that we cherished and held dear could be just blown away. We decided that we would try to appreciate each other more and to look upon each and every day as a gift.

Have you been able to maintain those feelings? I asked.

Obviously not with the same intensity, she conceded, but we didnt just talk. We actually did take some concrete steps. We made some changes in our work schedules, even though it meant less income. We also decided not to delay having children any longer. And not just that, she added with a smile, we go to church now, regularly, not just once in a while. And we visit with our parents at least once a week.

I was impressed, and I asked her if her friends had made similar changes in their lives.

Oh yes, but then again most of our friends are fellow pilots or flight attendants; we are always in the air, so I guess that makes us feel that we are more at risk.

Although she was probably right in saying that those who work in travel-related professions now feel more vulnerable, I believe that September 11 rendered our entire nation, the entire world, more vulnerable.

In my travels during the days after September 11, I discovered the stirrings of a spiritual renaissance in the hearts of peoplea quest for G-d, a yearning for love, marriage, and family. President George Bush reflected the sentiments of America when he took to the airwaves on the night of that fateful day and led the nation in prayer. The President recited Psalm 23: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me... That psalm mirrored the feelings of millions of men and women, who, in the midst of their pain, stood strong, united by their faith in G-d and their overwhelming love. But, alas, that awakening was short-lived. When reports from Afghanistan conveyed the success of our armed forcesthe surrender and retreat of the Talibanpeople heaved a sigh of relief. The nightmare appeared to be over, and by December everything was back to normal. The media reported that church and synagogue attendance had dropped. People reverted to their old ways and once again found their satisfaction in work, shopping, and seeking fun. The much hoped for change in relationships never took off. There was no indication of an increase in marriages, nor was there a decrease in divorces.

I cannot challenge the statistics. They speak for themselves. But I do believe that if people returned to old habits, they did so because no one had inspired them, no one captured that moment of love, that spiritual yearning that could have become a life-transforming experience had it been harnessed to something permanent. I believe that, basically, people do desire more meaningful lives, that deep down they do seek something more than material success. I believe that people are tired of running from one place of entertainment to another. I believe that, more than fun, people yearn for faith, serenity, a higher purpose, and above all, for that love that the doomed victims all spoke of and left as their final legacy.

Despite those yearnings, however, people have difficulty making that spiritual connection. We live in a turbulent world. There are so many voices demanding our attention, so many pulls tugging at us, so many enticements that generate within us feelings of greed and lust. Our minds play tricks and we find a rationale to justify even the basest conduct, the most hateful words. When disaster strikes, for a brief moment we see a glimmer of light, but then we return to our mindless routines and darkness descends once again. Instead of searching our souls and making changes, we feel victimized and sorry for ourselves. Why has fate treated us so cruelly? we ask. Once again, we get on our merry-go-rounds and go in circles leading nowhere. Yes, here and there, we may experience brief highs, but they are only momentary and without depth, rooted in taking rather than giving, in entitlement rather than indebtedness, in ingratitude rather than gratitude, in love that is superficial rather than committed. The voices of those doomed souls reverberate and echo in the air. I love you, I love you! they cry out. But how to capture that love and integrate it into our lives remains a challenge.