J. Robin Maxson - I Do or Do I?: Are You Ready to Change Your Relationship Status?

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS

EUGENE, OREGON

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Cover design by Dugan Design Group, Bloomington, Minnesota

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The author is represented by MacGregor Literary, Inc.

This book contains stories in which the author has changed peoples names and some details of their situations in order to protect their privacy.

I DO OR DO I?

Copyright 2014 by James Robin Maxson

Published by Harvest House Publishers

Eugene, Oregon 97402

www.harvesthousepublishers.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Maxson, J. Robin, 1947-

I do or do I? / J. Robin Maxson, with Garry Friesen.

pages cm

ISBN 978-0-7369-4547-9 (pbk.)

ISBN 978-0-7369-4548-6 (eBook)

1. MarriageReligious aspectsChristianity. 2. Mate selectionReligious aspectsChristianity. 3. Decision makingReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.

BV835.M287 2014

248.4dc23

2013031649

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To my children, Rachel Maxson and Michael Evans-Maxson, who inspired this book, and whose pursuit of godly living put its principles on display.

You show that you are a letter from Christ delivered by us, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.

(2 Corinthians 3:3 ESV )

C ONTENTS

Y ou know what I wish?

The young woman, midthirties, sitting opposite me in my office, was wiping tears from her eyes. We had spent the previous forty-five minutes processing the demise of her seven-year marriage to Eric. Sherry was a lifelong Christiana preachers kid. Eric had come to faith through her fathers ministry two years before their wedding. Fundamental differences in personality, background, worldview, goals and priorities, and marital expectations eroded and ultimately overwhelmed a promising beginning. Erics affair extinguished Sherrys hope for a miracle that never materialized.

You know what I wish?

In the momentary pause between Sherrys question and her answer, several possible scenarios flashed through my mind. Having spent the last three months laboring with this couplepraying, instructing, negotiating, pleading, weepingdoing everything possible to rescue and restore their marriage, I knew what I wished. My list was long. But it didnt include the one thing on Sherrys mind.

My parents knew that my decision to marry Eric was a mistake. I wish they had said something.

Something Needs to Be Said

Countless individuals, reviewing with hindsight a decision-making process that led to disaster, wish the same thing. (Maybe youre one of them.) We know better, of course. We know we cant hit rewind and get a do-over on our mistakes. We also know that no amount of insight from whatever source can guarantee an ideal outcome. But those who, like Sherry, pay the price for faulty choices often come to recognize they would have been better served by some helpful guidance from objective and wise advisors.

I wish they had said something.

We cant turn back the clock for Sherry and Eric, or anyone else. But we can be proactive in an effort to prevent recurrences of their scenario. While we cant address the specifics of any particular situation, we can say something that may well head off commonly made mistakes while offering constructive guidance that brings wisdom to bear on the choices singles make.

In this book, then, we will consider two categories of information that target two legitimate goals in marital decision making. One objective is negative the desire to avoid catastrophic consequences. So we will attempt to expose and correct erroneous ways of thinking that could lead to detrimental decisions. The other goal is decidedly positive to make choices that have the best chance of producing beneficial marital outcomes, whether one remains single or gets married.

Considering the Source

Sound good?

Maybe. When something needs to be said, it matters a great deal who is doing the talking. If you are turning to someone for counsel, that input is valuable only if the ideas shared are actually insightful. A lot of people have opinions, but they cant all be right. The issues in question really matter. So it is very important to consider the source.

Is this book a reliable source of guidance for marital decision making?

I kind of feel like Im applying for a job. Youre less than a dozen paragraphs into this book, so you dont have to hire me; you can bail out without having lost much time. You probably dont know much about me, so why should you read this book?

The best I can do is tell you a little about where Im coming from and give a sneak preview of some of the ideas well explore in these pages.

Cultural Chaos

Ill begin with an observation. In the decade that Ive devoted to studying singleness and marriage, Ive become convinced of a stunning reality: The venture of marital decision making is more complex today than it ever has been.

Ever.

Im not kidding.

The main reason for this daunting state of affairs is the cultural environment in which singles carry out their decision making. Societal perspectives on marriage, singleness, dating, and sex have undergone tremendous changes in an incredibly brief span of time. How dramatic have these changes been? Writing in 2005, historian Stephanie Coontz summarized: The current rearrangement of both married and single life is in fact without historical precedent.