Bari Lyman - Meet to Marry: A Dating Revelation for the Marriage-Minded

Meet to Marry

A Dating Revelation for
the Marriage-Minded

By Bari Lyman

Health Communications, Inc.
Deerfield Beach, Florida

www.hcibooks.com

The names, locations, and other identifying information of the individuals in this book have been changed to protect their privacy. This book contains general information and is not intended to be, nor should it be, used as a substitute for specific psychological advice.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Lyman, Bari.

Meet to marry : a dating revelation for the marriage-minded / Bari Lyman.

p. cm.

ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-1605-0 (trade paper)

ISBN-10: 0-7573-1605-0 (trade paper)

ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-9166-8 (e-book)

ISBN-10: 0-7573-9166-4 (e-book)

1. Dating (Social customs) 2. Mate selection. 3. Marriage. I. Title.

HQ801.L95 2011

392.4--dc23

2011031070

2011 Meet to Marry LLC

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

HCI, its logos, and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.

3201 S.W. 15th Street

Deerfield Beach, FL 334428190

Cover imageGetty Images/Image Source

Cover design by and Culture

Interior design and formatting by Lawna Patterson Oldfield

To Michael, my soul mate and partner in life.

Without you, it would not be possible

Contents

The Meet to Marry coaching program is made up of three parts: Assess, Attract, and Act to get you fully ready to begin dating for marriage and find the partner of your dreams. All of the forms youll need are on the following pages in the book. In addition, all of these coaching materials are available at www.MeetToMarry.com.

Love is a verb; it is an action that is the essence of all healthy relationships. I begin this foreword with a passionate statement about relationships, without which our existence as humans would be empty. We need one another to be. We need one another to become human. Emotionally fulfilling relationships are an integral component of mental and physical wellness. Our need to love and to be loved is universal. It is through this process that we can grow and become better partners. In our quest to connect with others on an intimate level, we must begin with unconditional love of the self and believe that we are lovable, based purely on our basic nature as humans. When we embrace full self-acceptance we can unconditionally love ourselves and others. We are born with a core self that need not be validated by others, but only by ourselves. Our psychological struggles are created by the interchange of our genetics and the environment. We have interjected our parents deficiencies (their internalized past) and cultural conditioning. We operate on unconscious levels in most aspects of our lives, seldom questioning our beliefs, attitudes, or behaviors. We accept our thoughts and feelings as the Truth and insist that the environment should comply. We insist on being right rather than doing the right thing. This is especially true when it comes to our intimate relationships.

Therefore, finding the right one is accomplished by becoming the right one. It is our internal journeys through which we discover our true character. Healthy encounters depend on the ability of each individual to be fully accountable for his/ her thinking, feeling, acting, and relating. The level of personal maturity of each individual is highly correlated with the potential success of the relationship and its level of functioning. It is the man/woman in the mirror who has to be seen very clearly, or we will deflect our fears onto others. It is through the constant polishing of our own mirror that we become visible to ourselves, thus seeing the other for who they are without any judgment. It is only then that rational choices can be made, whether you are matched or not. Our relationships with our partners facilitate our growth and allow us to reach our potential. Each individual must value himself/herself in order to be committed to the work of building a partnership that moves from romantic love to a true attachment.

All beginnings are wonderful. Marriage is a serious commitment. This is where the level of personal maturity comes into play. It is the individuals capacity to move away from the Hollywood notion of love and get involved in the lifelong building of intimacy that will bring about true attachment. Marriage is for the tenacious, not for the weak. Marriage is a social, psychological, emotional, sexual, and economical body that needs to be nurtured and cared for on a daily basis. It is a system that has its own dynamics. It is the individuals capacity to choose the path of marriage when confronted with lifes events, to surrender to the partnership and close all exits. It is the individuals courage to look at himself/herself when confronted with conflict, because there is a high probability that both are contributing to the problem. Solution-oriented couples are more functional. They spend most of the time negotiating solutions rather than engaging in criticism and blame.

It is important to remember that all of us have been conditioned by our culture. We have been told what to think, how to feel, how to behave, and so on. We become addicted to our thoughts, feelings, and actions. We accept all of it without questioning its truth. These attachments are the source of our psychological suffering. Our fear of being alone overrides our intuition when we encounter relationships that we know are not right for us. We convince ourselves that he/she will change, that he/she is having a bad day. In short, we are in the story. We are within our addictions. We are within our fears. We are not our best friends. We are not connected to ourselves. We are looking to be saved. We are regressing to being children. We are looking for our mothers/fathers. We are choosing not to parent ourselves. We are within our obsessive attachments. We are afraid to be free. We are afraid to grow.

We need to drop our conditioned belief that our happiness comes from attachments. True love is our ability to see others and ourselves without judgment. True love has no expectations or boundaries. A loving relationship is defined by living in harmony with ourselves while being visible to our partners. Our differences should not divide us but rather connect us. Our ability to assume responsibility for our actions is the bedrock upon which intimate relationships rest. Intimate connection is our map to a meaningful life. It is a human encounter of the best kind.

Meet to Marry is a passionate product of Baris triumph and a testimony to the human spirit and our resiliency as a species. She has taken her life experience and transformed herself, dedicating her work to changing the lives of others. We must believe and trust that our spirit can transcend our wounds and move us toward our untapped and abundant potential. We must give our life meaning, as Bari has done by writing her book and creating the Meet to Marry program.

Remember, like life itself, nothing prepares us for marriage but marriage itself. It is a leap of faith in ourselves, and when we lose our way, mindfulness is the light that shows us the way back. Marriage is not the destiny of our quest, but rather the journey itself. It is the context within which two souls connect and grow through lifelong vulnerability to each other. It is the ultimate path to discover the wonders of human attachment.