THE SURRENDERED SINGLE
A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO ATTRACTING AND MARRYING THE MAN WHOS RIGHT FOR YOU
ALSO BY LAURA DOYLE
The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to FindingIntimacy, Passion, and Peace with a Man
A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO ATTRACTING AND MARRYING THE MAN WHOS RIGHT FOR YOU
LAURA DOYLE
A Fireside Book
Published by Simon & Schuster
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Copyright 2002 by Laura Doyle
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Doyle, Laura.
The surrendered single: a practical guide to attracting and marrying the man whos right for you/Laura Doyle.
p. cm.
1. Dating (Social customs). 2. Mate selection. 3. Single womenPsychology. 4. Single womenConduct of life. 5. Control (Psychology). I. Title.
HQ801.D758 2002
646.77dc21 2002017558
ISBN 0-7432-1789-6
eISBN-13: 978-1-439-18868-2
ISBN-13: 978-0-743-21789-7
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Special thanks to Kay, Julia, Rachel, Anna, Melinda, Casey, Robin, Heatheryn, Jebra, and Loretta for being the first to try surrendered dating.
I have such gratitude for my terrific editor, Doris Cooper, for helping me say what I mean and having faith in me.
Im also grateful to Christine Gordon for her intuitive, honest editing.
Special thanks to Jimmy Vines, the worlds best agent.
Most of all, I appreciate my husband, John, who supported me through the process of writing this book in every way imaginable. I couldnt have done it without him.
For hopeful single women everywhere.
CONTENTS
14. Surrender on the First Date
INTRODUCTION:
THE WAY YOU ALWAYS WANTED THINGS TO HAPPEN
For one human being to love: another that is perhaps the most difficult of our task; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
RAINER MARIA RILKE
What is a Surrendered Single? And just what is she surrenderingand to whom?
A Surrendered Single recognizes that if she wants to attract the man with whom she can develop intimacy, she cannot control relationships. She cannot determine who asks her out, how hell do it, when hell call or e-mail, or if hell commit to her. A Surrendered Single may have unwittingly been trying to control, manipulate, and force relationships previously, but no more.
She doesnt hunt for Mr. Rightshe attracts him.
Shes purposely quiet on first dates so she can learn more about him and stay with her own feelings and intuition about what he reveals.
She relinquishes her checklist of qualities she thinks she requires in a man. Then she acknowledges that she can be blissfully happy with an imperfect man and that she will definitely be lonely without one.
Surrendering is about following some basic principles that will help you change your habits and attitudes about dating. It is terrifying, because at times you will feel vulnerable. But the results are grand: Your fears will melt. You will discover amazing, available men. You will feel adored. Youll stop going it alone.
You will find intimacy with a good man.
SURRENDER CONTROL, FIND YOUR FAITH
Theres a constant in romance: You cant control when, where, or how you fall in love. You cant even control with whom you fall in love. The chemistry and mystery of love are unpredictable.
Every story of how couples first met includes the element of a pleasant surprise. They didnt expect to meet their mates then or there. Not on a Wednesday. Not at the paint store. Not over nachos or during the seventh-inning stretch at a baseball game.
Marla didnt intend to fall in love with her friends coworker, but now theyre happily married with a baby. Had Jessica known she would meet her future husband at the gym one day, she probably would have put on lipstick before she left the house. Sarah didnt anticipate meeting anybody at all for a while after breaking off an engagement, but mutual friends of the man she would later marry introduced them.
These women did not expect to find their soul mates when or how they did. Whether they knew it or not, however, they did have faith that somewhere in the universe was a man who was right for them. They simply had to be open to the possibility of encountering him.
Thats all faith isbeing open to the possibilities.
Maybe you think thats great for other women, but you dont believe that faithwhich may seem maddeningly elusiveis going to win you a great romance.
Think again.
Having faith means you can let life surprise you. That doesnt mean that we are powerless, only that we embrace the unknown and stop being afraid of uncertainty.
It means liking the idea that the man of your dreams may look and sound nothing like the one you had imagined. Faith means that you keep your door open to dating, no matter how discouraged and frustrated you are, because you believe that ultimately the man whos right for you will walk through it.
For those of us who would like to have control over every aspect of our lives, this is hard to swallow. The unknown is disconcerting. Trekking forward willingly requires faith.
Part of what keeps you single is lack of faith. The other part is fear of the unknown.
WHOS AFRAID OF DATING?
A person usually has two reasons for doing something: a good reason and the real reason.
THOMAS CARLYLE
Every strong single woman I know rolls her eyes when I suggest that lack of faith and fear are what keep her alone. She doesnt think of herself as scared. After all, shes built a career and a terrific circle of friends, stood up to dozens of men, and perhaps even raised a child alone. She is capable and hearty. Whats more, shes through with having faith because it hasnt done a thing for her (or so she thinks). In fact, the very word is disconcerting to her. Truth is, her faith is as out of shape as her first little black dress and as worn as the fabulous heels she bought to go with it.
This is understandable. When we believe that something will happen but have no control over whether it does, the possibility of disappointment looms. What could be more disappointing than believing hes out there but never finding him? Wed be faced with thinking that theres something wrong with us.