Laura Doyle - Things Will Get as Good as You Can Stand: (. . . When you learn that it is better to receive than to give) The Superwomans Practical Guide to Getting as Much as She Gives

The human race has had a long experience and a fine tradition in surviving adversity. But we now face a task for which we have little experience, the task of surviving prosperity.

A LAN G REGG

Y EARS AGO SOME FRIENDS offered to treat my husband, John, and me to dinner for our wedding anniversary. As we were preparing for the evening, I started to fret. Now we have to find out when their anniversary is so we can take them out to dinner, I said to John.

I wasnt thinking about how much fun we would have with our friends, and I wasnt grateful for their thoughtfulness. Instead I turned their gift into a debt that would have to be paid.

But John had a wise response. Did you ever think that just having your company at dinner is enough and that you dont owe them anything besides that?

The idea that I could relish a gift without worrying about reciprocating was new to me.

Accepting what someone offered simply for my enjoyment made me uncomfortable. Dinners. Theater tickets that a friend couldnt use. A bottle of wine from houseguests. Neighborly offers such as a ride to pick up my car or the favor of rescuing our mail while John and I were away. A birthday phone call. Anything that was meant to bring me joy or to make my life a little easier and nicer would flood me with anxiety and a suffocating sense of obligation.

And Im not the only one. One woman described feeling stressed out when her husband invited her for a romantic Friday night dinner. Accepting his invitation meant she had to focus to finish her work, call a baby-sitter (and clean the house before the sitter arrived), and get the kids fed and bathed. Not only that, she figured that her husband would want to have sex with her after they came homewhen she knew she would be exhausted.

Ah. Superwoman Syndrome in its purest form.

This woman could have asked her husband, the baby-sitter (who is paid to feed and bathe children), and even her oldest child for some help instead of doing everything herself as if she were a superwoman. She could have kept the perspective that her husband just wanted to show her a good time instead of feeling obligated to him.

Like me, she had a hard time receiving without feeling indebted.

Favor offering and repaying and gift giving and receiving were column headings on a giant scorecard I kept in my head, and I never wanted to lag behind. Worrying that I wouldnt be able to afford to reciprocate heightened my distress.

All that anxiety and worry was the knife that severed my connections with the people who loved and cared about me. Ultimately, my incessant rejecting of giftswhether they came wrapped with a bow, arrived in the form of favors and help, or appeared as kind words uttered just when I needed a pick-me-upsignaled to my friends and family that their offers werent welcome. Eventually, they dried up. And so did the friendships.

When I said that I didnt need help after a dinner party or claimed that I really was in need of a haircut when someone complimented me on my appearance, I was unwittingly keeping my friendships at arms length. My friends didnt see me as independent and self-sufficient but rather as someone who, in rejecting their offers, was rejecting them.

I felt alone. Without support and the warmth of hearing that I was beautiful or had done something well, my self-esteem flagged. And I was completely exhausted because I had trapped myself in a corner where I had to do everything single-handedly. I didnt realize that I was rejecting the very things that Iand every woman I knowwanted most: more time, help, understanding, prosperity, and validation.

I didnt realize my isolation was self-imposedI just thought life was overwhelming.

All of us at certain moments of our lives need to take advice and to receive help from other people.

A LEXIS C ARREL

Feeling as if I had to be a superwoman who didnt need anything from anybody also put a strain on my marriage because I didnt know how to receive from my husband. When he offered to take me away for the weekend, I argued that we couldnt afford it. Instead of showing gratitude when he washed the dishes, I found fault with his work and mumbled that I could have done it better myself, which discouraged him from helping the next time. I said, Thats okay when he offered to make dinner because I figured I could do it faster. After I snarled, Yeah, right when he told me that I looked great before an important meeting, he stopped complimenting me. Then I was mad because I felt unnoticed and unappreciated.

What a mess.

And thats not all. I felt guilty when I was relaxing or doing something I loved, like walking along the beach or buying a new pair of shoes, because not only was I intolerant of other peoples kindness, but I hadnt yet developed a tolerance for treating myself well. Instead, I worked long hours at a job I hated because that felt useful and important, even though it didnt make me happy.