BJ Gallagher - Why Dont I Do the Things I Know are Good for Me?: Taking Small Steps Toward Improving the Big Picture

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Table of Contents

For all the worlds women and girls,
with love and laughter

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

MOST PEOPLE THINK that writing is a solo endeavor, but they are mistaken. Writing a successful book is a group project. It depends upon the talent, skill, insight, creativity, energy, and experience of many peopleeditors, agents, copyeditors, book designers, marketing professionalsnot to mention the friends and family of the author. I am grateful to all the wonderful people who contributed generously to the writing, editing, production, and marketing of this book.

Jill Marsal, my literary agent, helped me in so many waysencouraging me every step of the way, from initial idea to finished manuscript. Her patience, professionalism, and perseverance impressed me enormously. Her colleagues at the Sandra Dijkstra Agency all played their roles as well, and I am grateful to them.

My editors at Berkley Books, Denise Silvestro and Shannon JamiesonVazquez, were terrific. I am always thrilled to work with good editors who push, query, challenge, and ask me tough questionsand in the process, force me to become a better writer. Thank you, Denise and Shannon. And thanks to Meredith Giordan for serving as a superb author liaison.

Laine Proctor, my research assistant, contributed statistics to help illustrate key points in the book. Its good to have a great assistant.

My friend Judith Dancoff played a critical role in getting me off the dime to start writing. Judith, I am grateful for your gentle nudging (or was it a kick in the butt?)and I hope my readers are, too. This book wouldnt exist without you.

My friend Sam Beasley is the person to whom I am most grateful. Sam, you are my wise coach, my generous friend, my practical go-to guy, and my beloved teacher. What would I do without you in my life?

Thank you to the hundreds of friends and colleagues, teachers and preachers, mentors and role models, family members and loved ones who have provided me with both inspiration and instruction over the years. I hope that in sharing some of the lessons you taught me, I have done justice to your pearls of wisdom.

And to the One who gave me the gifts of writing and teaching, I bow my head and whisper simply, Thanks.

INTRODUCTION

THE GAP BETWEEN WHAT I KNOW AND WHAT I DO

A problem cannot be solved at the same level of consciousness that created it.

Albert Einstein, physicist, Nobel laureate

MILLIONS OF WOMEN struggle with the problem of inadequate self-carenot taking very good care of ourselves. We know the things we should do, but we dont do them. There is a huge gap between what we know and what we do. This book is about that gap.

Our problem surely isnt lack of informationbookstores are stocked with hundreds of volumes outlining how to eat less and exercise more; dozens of experts advise us to sock more money away into savings; many wise people warn us we would be better off staying away from troublesome or dangerous relationships. We have plenty of information on getting rid of clutter, organizing time, taking care of our bodies, managing our finances, fulfilling our career dreams. But for some reason, we often dont act on what we know.

In fact, sometimes we do just the opposite of what we know to be in our own best interests. We overeat and underexercise; we spend every last nickel (sometimes more); we fall in love with bad boys and marry inappropriate men (often again and again). We accumulate too much stuff, procrastinate and fritter away time, neglect our bodies, mismanage our money, and bail out on ourselves in countless ways.

What causes us to behave contrary to our own best interests, despite the fact that we know better? Why do smart women do such dumb things when it comes to whats good for us? What makes it so hard for us to take care of ourselves? And why on earth do we put everyone elses needs ahead of our own? As my friend Brenda Knight laments, Why am I always riding in the back of my own bus?

The slender volume you hold in your hands has answers to those questions... maybe not all the answers, nor the definitive answers, but big chunks of practical, useful, wise, enlightening answers to the question Why dont I do the things I know are good for me? There are enough answers here to jump-start you on the path to active self-care and healthy self-love.

If you take this book seriouslyand take yourself seriouslyyou can begin to practice the power of positive doing. Weve all heard of the power of positive thinkingmy goal is to help you take the next step and get into action, no matter what youre thinking. By taking action, you will move yourself from the back of the bus... up front to the drivers seat where you belong.

SECTION I

WHY?

WHY DONT I DO WHAT I KNOW IS GOOD FOR ME?

Understanding the Source(s) of the Problem

I dont understand myself. I want to do what is right
but I do not do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate....
It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do
whats right, I inevitably do whats wrong.

Romans 7:15-19

THERE ISNT ONE simple answer to the question Why dont I do the things I know are good for me? The factors that affect our self-care behavior are manycultural, familial, psychological, spiritual/religious, emotional, economic, and historical. I have interviewed hundreds of women, read dozens of research studies, and talked to a variety of experts who, not surprisingly, had a variety of answers.

Their answers fall into two categoriesexternal reasons for not doing what you know is good for you, and internal reasons. For most women, its a combination of both.

For instance, I may cite a desire for immediate comfort and stress relief as an internal reason for eating junk food, but I may also mention the influence of a role model (external reason), in that I saw my mother comfort herself with food. Internal feelings are often supported by external influencesmaking it especially difficult to break out of old habits and develop new, positive self-care routines.

You may read this book in any order that suits you. It was written in such a way that the chapters flow organically from one to the next, but thats not to say that you must read them in order. Read them and work with them in a way that makes sense to you. If a specific issue resonates with you or you feel drawn to it, by all means, feel free to start there.What matters most is not where you start, but that you start.

A few questions at the end of each chapter are designed to help you reflect on your own barriers to self-care.Think about the questionsask yourself what gets in

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