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Doyle - The surrendered wife : a practical guide for finding intimacy, passion, and peace with a man

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A New York Times bestseller, this controversial guide to improving your marriage has transformed thousands of relationships, bringing women romance, harmony, and the intimacy they crave.
Like millions of women, Laura Doyle wanted her marriage to be better. But when she tried to get her husband to be more romantic, helpful, and ambitious, he withdrewand she was lonely and exhausted from controlling everything. Desperate to be in love with her man again, she decided to stop telling him what to do and how to do it. When Doyle surrendered control, something magical happened. The union she had always dreamed of appeared. The man who had wooed her was back.
The underlying principle of The Surrendered Wife is simple: The control women wield at work and with children must be left at the front door of any marriage. Laura Doyles model for matrimony shows women how they can both express their needs and have them met while also respecting their husbands choices. When they do, they revitalize intimacy.
Compassionate and practical, The Surrendered Wife is a step-by-step guide that teaches women how to:
Give up unnecessary control and responsibility
Resist the temptation to criticize, belittle, or dismiss their husbands
Trust their husbands in every aspect of marriagefrom sexual to financial
And more.
The Surrendered Wife will show you how to transform a lonely marriage into a passionate union

Doyle: author's other books


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FIRESIDE
Rockefeller Center
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020

Visit us on the World Wide Web: http://www.SimonSays.com

Copyright 1999, 2001 by Laura Doyle

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

FIRESIDE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Designed by William P. Rusto

ISBN 0-7432-1150-2

eISBN-13: 978-0-7432-1150-5

www.SimonandSchuster.com

www.simonspeakers.com

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Picture 4

Special thanks to all the women in the original Surrendered Circle, especially Lynnae Bennett and Christine Gordon, who were the first ones brave enough to take this plunge. Christine also has my eternal thanks for her expert editing. What would I do without her? Glad I dont have to think about that!

Speaking of expert editors, Im incredibly lucky that this book fell into the hands of Doris Cooper at Simon & Schuster, who was visionary enough to see its potential. She is wonderfully encouraging and motivatingand amazingly thorough.

Of course, I never would have met Doris if I didnt have the best agent in the world: Jimmy Vines. Thanks, Jimmy!

Im also thankful to my sisters Hannah and Katie, who let me draft them into surrendering and provided thoughtful insights. My brother, John, was a wonderful source of support and inspiration while I was writing this book.

Most of all, Im grateful to my beloved husband, John Doyle. He helped me to become my best self, and made me laugh all along the way. I still say Im a little luckier.

For John

THE SURRENDERED WIFE

CONTENTS
Picture 5
INTRODUCTION
Picture 6

To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be.

ANNA LOUISE STRONG

WHY WOULD A WOMAN SURRENDER?

Picture 7

When I was newly married at twenty-two, I had no idea I would ever call myself a surrendered wife. At that time, the very phrase would have repulsed me.

I did know that marriage was risky because I had watched my parents go through a brutal divorce. Still, I was hopeful that I could do better. I was amazed that my husband, John, could love me as much as he did, and part of me believed we could make our marriage work simply because it was born of so much goodness.

At first our marriage was blissful. Then, I started to see Johns imperfections more glaringly, and I began correcting him. It was my way of helping him to improve. From my point of view, if he would just be more ambitious at work, more romantic at home, and clean up after himself, everything would be fine. I told him as much.

He didnt respond well. And, its no wonder. What I was really trying to do was control John. The harder I pushed, the more he resisted, and we both grew irritable and frustrated. While my intentions were good, I was clearly on the road to marital hell. In no time I was exhausted from trying to run my life and his. Even worse, I was becoming estranged from the man who had once made me so happy. Our marriage was in serious trouble and it had only been four years since wed taken our vows.

My loneliness was so acute I was willing to try anything to cure it. I went to therapy, where I learned that I often used control as a defense. I read John Grays Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, which gave me some understanding of the different ways men and women communicate and approach life. I talked to other women to find out what worked in their marriages.

One friend told me she let her husband handle all of the finances, and what a relief that was for her. Another one told me she tried never to criticize her husband, no matter how much he seemed to deserve it. I decided I would try to follow in these womens footsteps as an experiment in my marriage. I desperately wanted to save the relationship, and I also hoped to rescue my self-respect, which was fading with each episode of anger and frustration I unleashed on John.

Little did I know that I was taking the first baby steps in surrendering and that doing so would renew our marital tranquility and my self-respect. Today I call myself a surrendered wife because when I stopped trying to control the way John did everything and started trusting him implicitly, I began to have the marriage Ive always dreamed of. The same thing will happen to you if you follow the principles in this book.

None of us feels good about ourselves when were nagging, critical, or controlling. I certainly didnt. The tone of my voice alone would make me cringe with self-recrimination. Through surrendering, you will find the courage to gradually stop indulging in these unpleasant behaviors and replace them with dignified ones.

You will also have more time and energy to focus on whats most important to you. Whether your desire is to have a more harmonious family, run a top corporation, or both, youll feel increasing pride as you realize your goals faster than ever before. Surrendering has a way of bringing out the best in us, both as individuals and as wives, which is why its so worth doing.

HOW INTIMATE IS YOUR MARRIAGE?

Picture 8

DO YOU:RARELYSOMETIMESFREQUENTLY
1. Feel superior to your husband?
2. Nag your husband?
3. Commiserate with other wives about your husband?
4. Hear yourself say, I told my husband
5. Think that everything would be fine if your husband would do what you tell him to do?
6. Eavesdrop on your husbands conversations?
7. Feel like the only adult in the family?
8. Feel overburdened in parent-ing your children?
9. Do things for your husband that he is capable of doing for himself?
10. Have recurring anxiety and depression?
11. Feel exhausted?
12. Find either of you are disin-terested in sex?
DO YOU:RARELYSOMETIMESFREQUENTLY
13. Feel resentful or jealous about your husbands victories in life?
14. Reject or criticize his gifts?
15. Fantasize about divorce or life with a man who would better match you?
16. Discount the reasons you chose your husband in the first place?
17. Feel hopeless about your mar-riage because your needs have gone unmet for so long?
18. Have a hard time trusting your husband in even small matters?
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