Doyle - The surrendered wife : a practical guide for finding intimacy, passion, and peace with a man

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Copyright 1999, 2001 by Laura Doyle

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Special thanks to all the women in the original Surrendered Circle, especially Lynnae Bennett and Christine Gordon, who were the first ones brave enough to take this plunge. Christine also has my eternal thanks for her expert editing. What would I do without her? Glad I dont have to think about that!

Speaking of expert editors, Im incredibly lucky that this book fell into the hands of Doris Cooper at Simon & Schuster, who was visionary enough to see its potential. She is wonderfully encouraging and motivatingand amazingly thorough.

Of course, I never would have met Doris if I didnt have the best agent in the world: Jimmy Vines. Thanks, Jimmy!

Im also thankful to my sisters Hannah and Katie, who let me draft them into surrendering and provided thoughtful insights. My brother, John, was a wonderful source of support and inspiration while I was writing this book.

Most of all, Im grateful to my beloved husband, John Doyle. He helped me to become my best self, and made me laugh all along the way. I still say Im a little luckier.

For John

THE SURRENDERED WIFE

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be.

ANNA LOUISE STRONG

WHY WOULD A WOMAN SURRENDER?

When I was newly married at twenty-two, I had no idea I would ever call myself a surrendered wife. At that time, the very phrase would have repulsed me.

I did know that marriage was risky because I had watched my parents go through a brutal divorce. Still, I was hopeful that I could do better. I was amazed that my husband, John, could love me as much as he did, and part of me believed we could make our marriage work simply because it was born of so much goodness.

At first our marriage was blissful. Then, I started to see Johns imperfections more glaringly, and I began correcting him. It was my way of helping him to improve. From my point of view, if he would just be more ambitious at work, more romantic at home, and clean up after himself, everything would be fine. I told him as much.

He didnt respond well. And, its no wonder. What I was really trying to do was control John. The harder I pushed, the more he resisted, and we both grew irritable and frustrated. While my intentions were good, I was clearly on the road to marital hell. In no time I was exhausted from trying to run my life and his. Even worse, I was becoming estranged from the man who had once made me so happy. Our marriage was in serious trouble and it had only been four years since wed taken our vows.

My loneliness was so acute I was willing to try anything to cure it. I went to therapy, where I learned that I often used control as a defense. I read John Grays Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, which gave me some understanding of the different ways men and women communicate and approach life. I talked to other women to find out what worked in their marriages.

One friend told me she let her husband handle all of the finances, and what a relief that was for her. Another one told me she tried never to criticize her husband, no matter how much he seemed to deserve it. I decided I would try to follow in these womens footsteps as an experiment in my marriage. I desperately wanted to save the relationship, and I also hoped to rescue my self-respect, which was fading with each episode of anger and frustration I unleashed on John.

Little did I know that I was taking the first baby steps in surrendering and that doing so would renew our marital tranquility and my self-respect. Today I call myself a surrendered wife because when I stopped trying to control the way John did everything and started trusting him implicitly, I began to have the marriage Ive always dreamed of. The same thing will happen to you if you follow the principles in this book.

None of us feels good about ourselves when were nagging, critical, or controlling. I certainly didnt. The tone of my voice alone would make me cringe with self-recrimination. Through surrendering, you will find the courage to gradually stop indulging in these unpleasant behaviors and replace them with dignified ones.

You will also have more time and energy to focus on whats most important to you. Whether your desire is to have a more harmonious family, run a top corporation, or both, youll feel increasing pride as you realize your goals faster than ever before. Surrendering has a way of bringing out the best in us, both as individuals and as wives, which is why its so worth doing.