Doyle - First, kill all the marriage counselors: modern-day secrets to being desired, cherished, and adored for life

Praise for First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors

Laura Doyle truly understands how the modern marriage works. Her modern approaches are eye-opening and marriage-saving!

John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

Laura Doyle does it again with First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors, and this time, shes not alone. The anecdotes from other women underline her lesson: women hold the key to improving our marriages.

Fawn Weaver, New York Times bestselling author of Happy Wives Club

FIRST, KILL ALL

the

MARRIAGE COUNSELORS

FIRST, KILL ALL

the

MARRIAGE COUNSELORS

Modern-Day Secrets to Being Desired, Cherished, and Adored for Life

Laura Doyle

New York Times Bestselling Author of

The Surrendered Wife

The Surrendered Single

Things Will Get as Good as You Can Stand

BenBella Books, Inc.

Dallas, Texas

Copyright 2015 by Laura Doyle

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

BenBella Books, Inc.

10300 N. Central Expressway

Suite #530

Dallas, TX 75231

www.benbellabooks.com

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First e-book edition: June 2015

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Doyle, Laura.

First, kill all the marriage counselors: modern-day secrets to being desired, cherished, and adored for life / Laura Doyle.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-940363-86-8 (paperback) ISBN 978-1-940363-96-7 (electronic) 1. MarriagePsychological aspects. 2. WivesPsychology. 3. Husbands Psychology. 4. Man-woman relationshipsPsychological aspects. 5. Interpersonal conflict. 6. Interpersonal relations. I. Title.

HQ734.D788 2015

306.81dc23

2014046311

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For all the certified coaches who have trained with me because of their passion and commitment to their own relationships and their desire to help other women. You move me every single day. I couldnt do what I do without you. Thank you for sharing my vision to end world divorce and standing shoulder to shoulder with me.

And for John, whose steady presence has helped me become my best self.

THE SIX INTIMACY SKILLS

Every master was once a disaster.

T. Harv Ekert, Author and Motivational Speaker

Ive been known by many as the worlds most trusted intimacy expert for the past fifteen years, but I started out as an unhappy wife. Everything in my marriage was a mess. My husband John was distant and avoided spending time with me. I was responsible for everything in our household because he couldnt seem to accomplish even the simplest tasks. We had a lot of big fights, with silent cold wars in between. I was seriously considering divorce.

We went to marriage counseling, which only made things worse. But we kept going anyway, because I couldnt think of anything else to do.

We barely survived marriage counseling. It put us under more stressnot less.

Heres an example. One of the things that our counselorlets call her Nicolerecommended was that John take a six-month break from working because he hated his job so much. It would be like a sabbatical, except with no promise that his job would still be there when he returned. I would support us both in the interim.

I objected to this idea on the basis that it would be hard for us to get by without Johns income. Nicole looked at me reproachfully and said, This isnt just about money. Who do you think he is, Santa Claus?

Of course I didnt want John to be miserable at work, and we wanted to do what she suggested since we were paying her for advice on how to improve our marriage. So Im embarrassed to admit that we went along with her stupid plan. Thats how desperate we both felt.

As you can probably imagine, it didnt go well. And it wasnt just the financial stress of the lost income that caused the pain, although that was definitely a big part of it. The bigger issue was the way it exacerbated the very problems wed sought marriage counseling for in the first place.

At the time, I was already suffering from a superiority complex, thinking I was smarter, more responsible, and more practical than John, to the point that I had to do everythingfrom paying bills to making sure our cars were maintained to setting up our dental appointments. With John on sabbatical, I became the sole breadwinner too, while John took time to contemplate his navel. I didnt realize it then, but John was already feeling emasculated by my constant nitpicking, critical comments, and disrespectful tone, and not contributing financially only magnified that feeling.

Within the first month of this arrangement, I was in such terror about our financesnot to mention thoroughly resentful that John was spending his time relaxing while I did everythingthat I insisted we end the experiment immediately and he get a job. I raged at him every few days when he didnt find a job right away. Naturally he resented me more than ever for being so controlling and oppressive, but I didnt know how to stop.

Desperate for anything to help my marriage, I got the idea of asking women who had been married a long time for their secrets. I decided to talk to women who had been married at least fifteen years, because when youve been married for six years and youre miserable, fifteen years seems like a lifetime.

I was in for a real shock. What these women told me was so contrary to what I thought I knew about relationships that it just didnt make any sense. Still, I was willing to try anything to avoid the cost, pain, and embarrassment of a divorce, so I decided to give their suggestions a go. When some of those seemingly crazy suggestions worked, I kept doing them.

It took a lot of practice to figure it all out, and I made some mistakes along the way, but I ended up with six core skills that greatly improved the happiness and connection between John and myself. I call these the Six Intimacy Skills. When I stuck to these skills, my marriage improved dramatically. John became much more thoughtful, and he started taking more initiativefrom taking me out to dinner to deciding to stain the deck. He was also doing the dishes without me having to ask him six timesor at all. He wasnt watching much TV or looking as depressed and dejected. He even started his own successful business and took over handling the household bills so I didnt have to worry about them.