Sharon Pope - Why Isnt This Marriage Enough?: How to Make Your Marriage Work and Love the Life You Have

How to Make Your Marriage Work
and Love the Life You Have

Sharon Pope

NEW YORK

NASHVILLE MELBOURNE VANCOUVER

Why Isnt This Marriage Enough?

How to Make Your Marriage Work and Love the Life You Have

2017 Sharon Pope

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherexcept for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

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Published in New York, New York, by Morgan James Publishing in partnership with Difference Press

ISBN 9781683504085 paperback

ISBN 9781683504092 eBook

Library of Congress Control Number:

2017900432

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Interior Design by:

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For Derrick.

You were more than I ever thought possible.

All my love for all my life.

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.

R AINER M ARIA R ILKE

L ynne was 24 years old when she met James. She had recently graduated college and was getting a masters in teaching at the time. She had just gotten out of an intimate and connected relationship that broke her heart in ways she didnt know was possible at such a young age.

James was six years older than Lynne and was nearing the end of his residency to become a pediatrician. He was kind and caring. He was solid and safe. He was smart, responsible and had a brilliant future ahead of him. He checked all the boxes of what she thought she was supposed to have in a partner and she easily saw how they could build a beautiful life together.

Lynne was 27 years old when they married and they had children right away. They had two boys, who are now nine and eleven years old, plus a whoops baby girl, who is now six years old. As expected, James is a wonderful father.

They live in a beautiful suburban home, James has a successful practice doing what he loves, and Lynne is smart and beautiful although she doesnt see herself as others do. Lynne drives a Mercedes minivan, they rent a beach house every year and vacation in South Carolina, her kids go to a great school, and theyre thriving in all their after-school activities and sports. James would give her whatever she needs, and if she could tell him what to do to make her feel more loved, more alive and more worthy, he would do it.

James loves his wife.

Lynnes marriage and life appear to be enviable by virtually anyones standards, so why isnt she happy? Why is this man who loves her, this father who adores his children, this marriage that has lasted thirteen years somehow not enough? She should be happy. There is no reason in the world why any reasonable person wouldnt be happy with the life she has.

Lynne, however is struggling to keep her head above water, feeling like shes holding onto an anchor while she tries to continue swimming. As a strong woman, she feels like she needs to be the super-mom, leading many different initiatives: the PTA, the annual holiday play, and the spring carnival. Shes running fast and admits that I cant seem to say no to anyone but my husband. By the time she lays her head down on her pillow at night, she has nothing left to give to either herself or her marriage. She feels empty, lost, and alone.

Lynne has to drink a few glasses of wine in order to have sex with her husband and she hasnt had an orgasm with him in more than five years. Sex is something that she feels she has to do now, rather than something she wants or desires to do. And although she knows she shouldnt feel this way, her husband just seems like one more person needing something from her when shes got nothing left to give.

She feels guilty that she isnt like all the women she sees on Facebook who are perpetually smiling and grateful for their lives especially because she knows many of them dont have it as good as she does. She made the decisions she made for good, smart, responsible reasons, so why doesnt she feel the way she thought she would? She wonders if she is doing something wrong.

What Lynne wanted at age 24 is very different than what Lynne wants now at 40. As a young woman, she was drawn to all the strong qualities James embodied, and it helped that he was older and, in her eyes, more mature. He was perfect marriage material. He wouldnt break her heart as her first love had done.

And he loved her.

At 24, she didnt really know about intimacy and connection. She didnt know about vulnerability and passion. She didnt have to at that time in her life.

There was no lesson plan she missed or handbook she never picked up. She just didnt know what she didnt know. And she didnt know that theres a big difference between what we need and what we want.

When love ends, hearts break. And that heartbreak leaves scars that sometimes we dont heal. Those scars then show up in our fearful thoughts and guide our actions and choices.

We marry the one who wont break our heart.

We stay with the one who everyone else thinks is a great guy.

We choose stability over passion because we dont actually believe we can have both.

Then we end up in a mediocre marriage that we think should be good enough.

He doesnt lie or cheat.

He doesnt hit.

He doesnt hurt. We barely even argue.

Which gives us no good reason to end a relationship. No one will understand and everyone will judge.

My client Bethany needed some safety after her first marriage. She had two children with a man who emotionally and physically abused her for nine years. He drank too much and loved far too little. She feared for herself and the safety of her children and finally left.

So when she met Alex, she was going to choose differently, more wisely than she had before. Alex was lighthearted and fun. Although he didnt have much of a career, he was a leader in their church and he loved being with her children and that was what mattered to Bethany. She needed a good father for her kids much more than she needed an idyllic love affair.