Eric San Juan - Stuff Every Husband Should Know

Copyright 2011 by Quirk Productions, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2010936314

eISBN: 978-1-59474-510-2

Typeset in Goudy and Monotype Old Style

Design by Jenny Kraemer
Illustrations by Kate Francis
Production management by John J. McGurk

Quirk Books
215 Church Street
Philadelphia, PA 19106
quirkbooks.com

Stuff Every Lawyer Should Know: The publisher and author hereby disclaim any liability from an injury that may result from the use, proper or improper, of the information contained in this book. We do not guarantee that this information is safe, complete, or wholly accurate, nor should it be considered a substitute for a readers good judgment and common sense. In other words: Exercise caution when walking your wife home from the theater. Be safe when serving hot food in bed. And no matter what she says, never ever agree that yes, that dress does indeed make her look fat.

v3.1

To my wife,
for not laughing too hard when you found out
I was writing this book.

No one ever tells you what marriage is really like.

From married men its a wry, knowing laugh: You dont know what youre getting into, kid. From married women its a laundry list of what their husbands do wrong, capped with the unhelpfully vague command to treat your wife well.

But worst of all is the marital advice that amounts to either Your wife is always right or You need to put her in her place. Both are wrong.

Marriage is about forming a single unit out of two people. Accomplishing this is (a) awesome and (b) a lot of work. Your role as a husband is to put the happiness of the marriage before your personal desires; your role as a man is to be a man. Despite rumors to the contrary, these two things are not mutually exclusive.

This book is about striking that balance. Its about manning up and being a good husband, because being a good husband makes for a happy wife, and a happy wife makes for a happy you. Its about retaining your manhood and using your manhood in service of your wifes happiness.

Think of this book as a sympathetic, helpful older brother: been there, did something stupid, suffered the consequences, came through okay on the other side. Someone who wants to spare you the heartache of going through all the stupid bits yourself. Whether were talking about fixing a hole in the wall or coping with joint shopping trips, there are ways to make your life together more pleasant every day. And throughout a marriage, youre gonna have a lot of days.

Naturally, your wife is a unique individual, and not every single piece of advice in this book is 100 percent applicable to every marriage. Nonetheless, we think youll find that most of this stuff is universal. All husbands and wives are different and yet the issues they face are often strikingly familiar.

So sit back, flip through the pages, and get ready for married life. It wont be easy, but youre a man. Youll deal with it.

A happy, healthy marriage begins and ends with the basics.

The kids come first. If there are no kids, your wife comes first.

Be kind. A cruel word, once said, cannot be unsaid.

Your wife is always the most beautiful woman youve ever seen.

Your wife is always the best sex youve ever had.

Everything is your fault. Learn to embrace this.

When your wife says fine, it means she is not happy.

Dont seek to change each other; seek to accept each other.

Let the past stay in the past. Your marriage is about today and tomorrow.

Your wedding anniversary and your wifes birthday are the most important holidays of the year.

Laugh. A lot. Laugh with her. Laugh at yourself.

Lets take care of this up front. Honesty is always the best policywell, yes, generally speaking, but taking that wisdom to unnecessary extremes has destroyed more marriages than strip clubs and World of Warcraft combined. If you want a long and loving relationship, youre going to have to accept that some things you just cannot say out loud. So think the following all you likethough even there we recommend treading with cautionas long as you remember: Dont. Ever. Say them.

Shut up.

How could you be so stupid?

Have you put on weight?

What did you do to your hair?

(In reference to someone other than your wife, unless your wife is a bisexually inclined horndog) Shes got fantastic [body part].

This is your fault.

(During a disagreement) My mother was right.

How hard could it have been to make this? Anyone can follow a recipe.

(If she is a housewife) Well, someone has to go to work around here.

Just as there are some negative things you must never say to your wife, there are plenty of positive things you should say, and often. Write them down on your hand so you dont forget. Practice in a mirror, if you must. Just understand that happy marriages are built on generous use of the following, presented as the situation warrants.

You look beautiful.

I was wrong.

I love you.

Youre right.

Dinner was delicious.

I shouldnt have done that. Im sorry.

Would you like a back rub?

What to have for dinner? What color to paint the bedroom? What to how the when why you where the who? Marriage can be an endless series of decisions, and after a long day at work making decision after decision, yet another one can feel like a backbreaker. Making day-to-day marital decisions, however, is easier than it seems.

Dont over-think. Thinking is good. We encourage it. But you can go too far. If youre hemming and hawing, its time to say A or B.

If it doesnt matter, it doesnt matter. Dont care if you have beef or chicken for dinner? Dont say you dont care, just pick one and stick with it.

Be willing to research. For tough decisions, dont rely on manly know-how. In the Internet age, research is easy. Know your facts, then decide.

Second-guessing is not allowed. Train yourself on this. When you make a decision, its made. Unless you

Get more information. Never be anything but open to new information. A good husband can adapt.

Its not life and death. You will be asked to make many decisions. They will often be inconsequential. Afraid youll get it wrong? Pffft. Youre a man. Youll live with the results.

Ninety-nine percent of married people hate the way their spouse drives. Thats not a scientific poll, but the anecdotal evidence is pretty convincing. Fortunately, there are ways to chill out about it.

Leave on time. Few things increase stress more than being late, and stress makes for snippy spouses.