Paul Coughlin - Married...But Not Engaged: Why Men Check Out and What You Can Do to Create the Intimacy You Desire

Praise for
Married... But Not Engaged

Married... But Not Engaged informs us with laser-beam accuracy why many nice guys detach from their marriage and what loving wives can do about it. Paul and Sandy Coughlin brilliantly expose an often overlooked default-drive of many relationships: how niceness leads to passivity, which leads to humdrum, which leads to resentment, which leads to lack of intimacy and relationship crisis. Read this book and discover how to be engaged and married at the same time.

Dr. Paul Coleman, (www.bestintimacy.com),
author of The Complete Idiots Guide to Intimacy

This would have to be the most vital book [No More Christian Nice Guy] I have read this year. The message it contains, along with that of its sequel, Married... But Not Engaged, is a key to unlocking and freeing us from the Jellyfish for Jesus mentality that is binding up so many Christian men and their families.

Tim Sisarich, Focus on the Family, New Zealand

Books by
Paul Coughlin
FROM BETHANY HOUSE PUBLISHERS

______________________
Married... But Not Engaged (with Sandy Coughlin)
No More Christian Nice Guy
No More Christian Nice Guy Study Guide
No More Jellyfish, Chickens, or Wimps

FROM THE AUTHOR OF NO MORE CHRISTIAN NICE GUY
PAUL & SANDY COUGHLIN

MARRIED
BUT NOT
ENGAGED

Married... But Not Engaged
Copyright 2006
Paul Coughlin

Cover design by Lookout Design, Inc.
Author photo by Erika Lewis

Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations are from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations identified NKJV are from the New King James Version of the Bible. Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations identified The Message are from The Message. Copyright 1993, 1994, 1995 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Scripture quotations identified NASB are taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)

Scripture quotations identified TLB are from The Living Bible 1971 owned by assignment by Illinois Regional Bank N.A. (as trustee). Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations identified NEB are from The New English Bible, The Delegates of the Oxford University Press and The Syndics of the Cambridge University Press 1961, 1970. Reprinted by permission.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwisewithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Bloomington, Minnesota 55438

Bethany House Publishers is a division of Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN-13: 978-0-7642-0448-7
ISBN-10: 0-7642-0448-3

Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows:

Coughlin, Paul T.
Marriedbut not engaged : why men check out and what you can do to create the intimacy you desire / Paul and Sandy Coughlin.
p. cm.
Summary: The authors, a married couple, help women realize relief from false guilt and shame and show them how to engage their checked out husbands with wisdom, grace, and loveprovided by publisher.
ISBN 0-7642-0241-3 (hardcover : alk. paper)
1. MarriageReligious aspectsChristianity. 2. HusbandsPsychology. 3. MenPsychology. I. Coughlin, Sandy. II. Title.
BV835.C685 2006
248.8'44dc22

2006013678

We dedicate this book
to the power of love, friendship,
and intimacyall gifts from God.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

PAUL COUGHLIN, author of No More Christian Nice Guy, hosts a radio talk show on The Dove in southern Oregon. He has been interviewed by C-SPAN, the New York Times, and numerous radio and television stations. His articles have appeared in New Man, Faithworks, Ministries Today, Todays Christian Woman, and other periodicals. He is a contributing writer for Crosswalk.com, the worlds largest Christian Web site. A former Christian Nice Guy, Paul is a passionate husband to Sandy and enthusiastic father to three active children. He loves jazz, soccer, cycling, fly-fishing, gardening, and photography, and hates playing Scrabble. Contact Paul at: www.christianniceguy.com and www.marriedbutnotengaged.com

SANDY COUGHLIN works from home and is active in her local public schools and community where she serves in multiple volunteer roles, including PTO advisor. Sandy is a passionate wife to Paul and enthusiastic mother to two handsome sons and one lovely daughter. She loves running, hosting parties, cooking, ballroom dancing with her husband, and playing Scrabble. The Coughlin family lives in Oregon. Contact Sandy at: http://reluctantentertainer.blogspot.com

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Thanks to Sandys running partners: Jenny, Kristi, Carrie, and Pam. Our 5:00 a.m. runs were more than exercise. We covered love, relationships, and life.

Thanks Ted, Bill, and Kelly for sharing our travels on the road toward intimacy.

Barb Wiedenbeck for your insight, encouragement, research, and lamb.

Bill and Dee Strock and Minor and Jeannie Matthews who are examples of long-lasting, engaging marriages.

Hoppi Lilien, who provided Thursday night gourmet meals and love to our family.

Finally, thank you to the hundreds of people who shared their struggles and success in understanding and overcoming the Nice Guy problem in their marriage. You have shown great courage and faith.

Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Psalm 34:8 (emphasis added)

TABLE OF CONTENTS

CHAPTER 2: Three Forces
That Make (and Keep) Men Passive

CHAPTER 3: Roadblocks Along
the Four Paths to Intimacy

CHAPTER 5: Gender Differences
and Intimacy Languages

CHAPTER 7: Handling Issues of
Anger, Respect, and Resentment

BY SANDY COUGHLIN

I m the woman who married Paul, a man who struggled hard against being a Christian Nice Guy. After he wrote a book about itNo More Christian Nice Guywe received a lot of letters. Most fall into the Thank you for changing my life category.

Then theres another category: Thank you... but... These come from the wives of Christian Nice Guys who still want desperately to be closer to their husbands, the men they thought they knew when they married but to whom they found another side soon thereafter. A frequently difficult, sometimes maddening, and regularly frustrating side. Most continue to love, but their love is growing thin. Some admit they arent sure if they do love their man anymore, given all the destruction hes wrought, and part of that because of his passive ways. These women want help sorting out their confusion and pain.