Paul Coughlin - Five Secrets Great Dads Know

SECRETS
GREAT
DADS
KNOW

Books by

Paul Coughlin

FROM BETHANY HOUSE PUBLISHERS

Five Secrets Great Dads Know

Married... But Not Engaged (with Sandy Coughlin)

No More Christian Nice Girl (with Jennifer Degler)

No More Christian Nice Guy

No More Christian Nice Guy Study Guide

No More Jellyfish, Chickens, or Wimps

Unleashing Courageous Faith

PAUL COUGHLIN

SECRETS
GREAT
DADS
KNOW

Five Secrets Great Dads Know
Copyright 2005, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2010
Paul Coughlin

Cover design by Lookout Design, Inc.

The material in this book is adapted from the following books by Paul Coughlin

Married... But Not Engaged
No More Christian Nice Guy
No More Christian Nice Guy Study Guide
No More Jellyfish, Chickens, or Wimps
Unleashing Courageous Faith

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwisewithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Bloomington, Minnesota 55438

Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN 978-0-7642-0768-6

CONTENTS

There was a time when we made too much of the differences between men and women. And women usually suffered. Now our culture has worked double time to get us to believe there are no differences between the sexes. For example, some point to the fact that the DNA of men and women differs by only 1 to 2 percent. This doesnt sound like much, until you realize that this is the same percentage of difference between women and female chimpanzees. (My wife didnt feel particularly blessed when I enthusiastically shared this fact with her.)

Women and men differ physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Mothers possess a greater ability to understand infants and children; they are more able to distinguish between a childs cry of hunger and a cry of pain. Mothers release the polypeptide hormone oxytocin during pregnancy and breast-feeding, causing them to be more interested in bonding with children and engaging in nurturing behavior.

Fathers, by contrast, excel when it comes to discipline, play, and exhorting their children to embrace lifes challenges. Physical play is far more important than most of us realize, promoting social skills, intellectual development, and a sense of self-control. A fathers playful side teaches children how to regulate their feelings and behavior as they interact with others. Children who roughhouse with their fathers usually learn quickly that biting, kicking, and other such actions are not acceptable.

Fathers are more likely than mothers to encourage their children to take up difficult tasks, seek out fresh experiences, and endure pain and hardship without caving. The bottom line is that fathers excel in teaching their children the virtues of fortitude, temperance, and prudence for life outside their family.

I monitor what my kids are thinking, whether they need protection, in what ways theyre struggling, how I can help them with their difficulties. It is not my nature to keep track of clothes the way my wife does, and Im not about to add that one to my radar.

Were dadsnot momsso lets embrace this fact with gusto and the good kind of pride. Were not better than moms, just different, and this vital difference has been ignored and devalued to everyones detriment. Men have felt dishonored and disposable. Women and children have felt abandoned in ways they may not be able to name but certainly feel in their day-to-day lives. Their lives have been missing vital nourishment for too long, like a body low on iron or vitamin B.

But change is afoot. Our value as men, as dads, is on the rise. Our essence is being called for again as in generations past, with a deep inner groaning. This call on behalf of society is real though still reluctant, like a father begrudgingly asking for directions on a family vacation. Theres nobility to being a dad and that is coming back. Respect is mounting again like a wave a hundred yards or so offshore. Were coming to our senses. Handled with confidence and humility, we can erase much of the worry we have about the nature of a man and be a gift to those we are charged to honor, love, respect, protect, and guide.

I have childrens best interests in mind. Ive been a father for seventeen years, Ive worked with children as a coach for more than ten, and Ive written a book on parenting. I love kids, and I want them to fare well in the real world. I want them to fulfill their dreams and potential. I want them to walk hand in hand with God, to understand that nothing can separate them from his love. I want them to experience the strength of heart and clearness of mind that comes from genuine humility.

I want our daughters to know in the core of their soul that they are loved by God and valued by man. I want our sons to know in the core of their soul that they have what it takes to make it in life. I want our children to have the fortitude to persevere, the courage to create deep and abiding love (agape), and the will to undergo the difficult work that dirties the hands of fighters for peace and justice.

I want our children to be remarkable, better than average. Better at defending the small classmate who is pushed against lockers or ridiculed online. Better at befriending the one who is out of the clique or teased because she wears last years shoe styles or a hairdo that is six months behind the fashion curve. Better at being less accepting ofand less silent aboutwhats really wrong and unacceptable in life. These children laugh more, play more, and weep moretheyre emotionally attuned, spiritually vital, and pragmatically prepared to respond when virtue calls them to action.

Unfortunately, Christian and non-Christian parents alike are raising children who are passive, pleasant, and malleable rather than innovative, proactive, and bold. These nice children prevalently struggle with fear, anxiety, and loneliness, and later in life, relationship instability and divorce. Our goal as dads should be to create confident and truly virtuous kids who are capable of doing more than their part in obtaining an abundant life. These children become adults who lend their strength to others and help them obtain happiness as well.

How do we reach this goal? In the coming pages well look at the characteristics of great dads as well as some of the best things dads can do for their kids. I want to offer thoughtful, practical advice based on what Ive learned, and it starts with the man you are.

My name is Paul, and Im a former Christian Nice Guy who finally realized that what we call valorous niceness is often cowardly passivity in disguise. Christian Nice Guys (CNGs) generally believe they should just let life happen to them. A large portion of the church tells them they should rarely if ever exert their will, and that possessing passion, boldness, and intensity is worldly. Those qualities belong to aggressive and proud men (ironically, that would include the real Jesus who was mighty bold and intense when virtue called). Many have told me that it is far more Christian to live passively, deny your hearts desires, and keep your life in neutral because somehow this glorifies God.