Paul Coughlin - No More Jellyfish, Chickens or Wimps: Raising Secure, Assertive Kids in a Tough World

This is a powerful book that finally dispels the myth that defending oneself is unchristian. As believers we are duty bound to teach our children that honor, justice, courage in the face of adversity, and defending the weak are not only the right things to own and do, they are a Christians obligation. Bravo! Paul Coughlin, for giving back to us our warrior spirit.

Brad Stine

Comedian, author, actor

Books by

Paul Coughlin

FROM BETHANY HOUSE PUBLISHERS

Married... But Not Engaged

No More Christian Nice Guy

No More Christian Nice Guy Study Guide

PAUL COUGHLIN

No More Jellyfish, Chickens, or Wimps
Copyright 2007
Paul Coughlin

Cover design by Lookout Design, Inc.
Cover image: Hot Digital Dog Studios / VEER

Excerpts from WHY COURAGE MATTERS by John McCain and Marshall Salter, copyright 2004 by John McCain and Marshall Salter. Used by permission of Random House, Inc.

Excerpts from NO MORE VICTIMS by Frank Peretti, copyright 2001, Thomas Nelson Inc., Nashville, Tennessee. All rights reserved.

Excerpts from HELP! MY CHILD IS BEING BULLIED, Dr. Bill Maier, Gen. Ed., a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. Copyright 2006, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

The author has made reasonable attempts to locate sources and secure permission for quotations used in this book. If any permissions were inadvertently missed, please contact the publisher.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwisewithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Bloomington, Minnesota 55438

Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN-13: 978-0-7642-0242-1
ISBN-10: 0-7642-0242-1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Coughlin, Paul T.
No more jellyfish, chickens, or wimps: raising secure, assertive kids in a tough world / Paul Coughlin.
Summary: Paul Coughlin gives parents good news: that they can nurture assertivenot aggressive or passivechildren able to live abundantly and love God and their neighbor as they love themselves. He shows parents how to instill virtues of toughness, wisdom, and courage in their children rather than fake niceness. Provided by publisher.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN-13: 978-0-7642-0242-1 (hardcover ; alk. paper)
ISBN-10: 0-7642-0242-1 (hardcover ; alk. paper)
1. ParentingPsychological aspects. 2. Self-esteem. 3. Assertiveness training.
I. Title.
HQ755.8.C677 2007
649.1dc22 2007007106

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

PAUL COUGHLIN , author of No More Christian Nice Guy, and coauthor of Married... But Not Engaged, hosts a radio talk show on The Dove in southern Oregon, and speaks internationally about childhood difficulties that lead toward passive living. Paul is a founding member of GodMen and has been interviewed by the New York Times, Newsweek, LA Times, C-SPAN, Focus on the Family, Good Morning America, Nightline, and numerous radio and television stations. His articles have appeared in New Man, Faithworks, Todays Christian Woman, along with other periodicals, and he is a contributing writer and official blogger for Crosswalk.com. A former Christian Nice Guy, Paul is a passionate husband to Sandy, enthusiastic father to three active children, and veteran youth soccer coach. The Coughlins live in Oregon.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Thank you to the following who gave their insight, guidance, and practical help to make this work and mission possible:

Barbara Wiedenbeck, Dennis Hughett Jr., Janet Grant, Dr. Laura, Timothy Arthur, Jason Ehrlich, Ted Darnall, Mike Smith, Brian Doyle, Michael Levine, John Renken, Mark Galli, Glenn Sacks, Brad Wilcox, Perry Atkinson, Senator Jason Atkinson, Bill Strock, Jeff Smith, Bill Gallagher, and Peter Grant.

The team at Bethany House: Christopher Soderstrom, Kyle Duncan, Julie Smith, Tim Peterson, Linda White, Jim Hart, Brett Benson.

Also, thank you to all the children whom I have had the pleasure to coach, especially the St. Marys Varsity Soccer Team, Division Champions 2006.

The men of GodMen: Mike, Brad, Ken, Dave, Michael, and more to come. And to all of those who were bullied and thought no one heard you, no one cared.

And, of course, our children, who help comprise this mini-nation called the Coughlin family.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER 1
Timid Living: The Essence of the Problem

CHAPTER 2
What Happened to Courage and Integrity?

CHAPTER 3
Overprotective Parents, Underdeveloped Kids

CHAPTER 4
Links Between Over-Parenting and Social Disaster

CHAPTER 5
The Line Between Protection and Overprotection

CHAPTER 6
Spotting and Repelling Adult Predators

CHAPTER 7
The Dangers of a Nice Christian Upbringing

CHAPTER 8
Truth About Bullies and Victims

CHAPTER 9
Our Choice: Be Part of the Agony, or Part of the Answer

CHAPTER 10
The Protectors: Letting Faith Get in the Way

CHAPTER 11
Where, Parents, Shall Courage Be Found?

CHAPTER 12
Traits of the Courageous

APPENDIX
Self-Test for Parents

CHAPTER
1
TIMID LIVING: THE ESSENCE
OF THE PROBLEM

My marriage is disintegrating, and my wife doesnt respect me. She says I drain her of energy. Is it too late?

My husband is a nice man, but hes not a good man. Our home is falling apart.

My son keeps letting his friends walk all over him. Can you help him?

My daughter was a victim of cyber-bullying. She doesnt want to go to school anymore.

I dont push back at work, and it ends up hurting me and my family. But Im not supposed to push back... right?

My mother-in-law steamrolls me and then compliments me on behaving like a nice Christian woman. Im furious, but I dont know what to do about it.

When I was young, Mom and Dad said to turn my cheek to all the bullying from the other kids. I cant stand what my schoolmates did to me. Im so angry that I let it happen, but nothing has changedI keep letting similar things happen to me now.

When will I feel strong, like a man?

Why begin a book about parenting with adult problems and adult complaints? Because for many their struggle with being timid and passive began during their childhood. They were told as children that nice boys and girls, especially Christian kids, dont exert their will, dont stand up and fight, and dont do conflict. Their lives today are in various states of disarray and even ruin because of what they were taught (both intentionally and unintentionally). Theyre soft, compliant, and pleasant instead of assertive, courageous, and virtuous.

Many of these adults, the ones making these statements and asking these questions, are just beginning to see how cautious living solidified during their upbringing and fortified by messages they continue to receiveis holding them back. Theyve been stunted in marriage, in career, in child-raising; theyve been stifled in their ability to understand Gods character and receive His love.