Gary Unruh - Unleashing the Power of Parental Love: 4 Steps to Raising Joyful and Self-Confident Kids

2010 Gary Unruh. Printed and bound in the UnitedStates of America. All rights reserved. No part of this book may bereproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronicor mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by aninformation storage and retrieval systemexcept by a reviewer whomay quote brief passages in a review to be printed in a magazine,newspaper, or on the Webwithout permission in writing from thepublisher. For information, please contact Lighthouse LoveProductions, LLC, 1277 Kelly Johnson Blvd., Suite 220, ColoradoSprings, CO 80920.

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ISBN: 978-0-9824204-1-6

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Contents

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

WRITING A BOOK IS as much about the supporting castas the author: family, friends, contributions from mental healthprofessionals, and, above all, an excellent editor.

Mary McNeil meets thequalifications of an excellent editor. Mary quickly learned therecipe for how to give me just the right mixture of straightforwardfeedback and encouragement. Thank you, Mary, for making a dreamcome true. The book would not have happened without your expertguidance and caring.

To my family, friends, andespecially Charlene Pardo, who helped me start my bookyour supportand feedback on this book have been invaluable.

My wife Betty and our fourchildren have been an inspiration to me throughout my life. FromBetty I witnessed daily the amazing power of unleashed love withour children. What a treasure you are, Betty. Laura, Eric,Christine, and Jasonwhat an example and joy you are to me. Ilearned about the good being at the center of children from eachone of you. No matter what curves life throws you, your continualresponses are about the good in life. The foundation of this bookwas inspired by all of you.

Thank you, Mom, Dad, Ken, Phil,Stan, and Aunt Betty for your love throughout my life. Youve allcontributed mightily to what I have learned about the power oflove. Mom and Dad, thank you for all your loving support andmultiple opportunities you made available to me. What a challengethat little red-headed, freckle-faced boy must have beena kid whoran before he walked. (Little did they know they were raising anADHD child!) Big brother Ken, I would never have found my passionfor being a counselor if not for your unending belief in me. Phil,thank you for always seeing the good in me. And, Stan, what aconstant support you have been throughout the writing of thisbookalways seeing the glass three-fourths full when sometimes Iwasnt sure where the glass was. What a joy it is to experienceyour unleashed love. Aunt Betty, your continual happy smiles andcomments to meeven when I was only four years oldare a profoundmemory that has been a continual source of joy. You arespecial.

Many mental health professionalshave made outstanding contributions toward understanding humannature and effectively restoring mental health. I feel deeplyindebted to a number of these individuals both professionally andpersonally. Using and adapting their contributions has beenimmeasurably helpful in my efforts to help children and theirparents restore and maintain their mental health and lovingrelationships. Heres a list of these professionals and a briefsummary of their key contributions:

* Sigmund Freud: childhood development and the roleof defenses, particularly unconscious projection

* Erik Erikson: stages of childhood development

* A. Thomas and S. Chess: the nine temperamenttraits that are a part of every human being

* Paul Ekman: in-depth understanding of emotions

* Carl Rogers: the concept that reflecting emotionsis essential

* Abraham Maslow: the hierarchy of needs, especiallythe fourth and fifth levelsesteem needs and self-actualization

* Haim Ginott: the central role of emotions and howchildren thrive when adults focus on emotions first beforebehavior

* Dan Goleman: the central role of emotions inhealthy human functioning

* Thomas Gordon, Parent Effectiveness Training : theimportance of a collaborative, cooperative (democratic)parent-child relationship

* Aaron Beck: cognitive therapy (the interplaybetween beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and behavior) andinterventions to restore mental health based on this interplay

Through their rich contributions,these professionals have made it possible for thousands of childrenand their families to experience the gift of life more fully. Withdeep gratitude, thank you.

The staff from About Books hasbeen exceptional. Allan Burns, the senior editor, reviewed my firstten pages and gave me the necessary encouragement to launch thebook. Deb Ellis and Debi Flora and their staff have been acontinual joy to work with. Thank you for making this part of theprocess enjoyable and rewarding.

These people have made writingthis book such a rich experience. Once more, I thank each and everyone of you for your meaningful contributions.

INTRODUCTION

Every parent wants to raise a self-confident, joyfulchild. Achieving this goal is one of the most challenging andrewarding tasks you will ever face. As a father of four children, agrandfather of seven, and a professional counselor of children forthirty-nine years, I know what its like. But all too often thechallenges end up causing you and your child to feel discouragedand defeated.

Do you need to accept thosefeelings as just part of parenting? Absolutely not! This book willteach you parent-friendly skills and steps for approaching yourparenting challenges with hope and the anticipation of a successfuloutcome for both you and your child.

After counseling more thantwenty-five hundred children and their moms and dads, I clearly sawthree basic, underlying aspects of the relationship betweenchildren and parents. These three aspects form the basis of theskills you will learn as you read this book:

1. A basic need of every child is to feel Im goodand Im lovable and to avoid feeling Im bad.

2. Emotions are a direct expression of your childscore being, his or her identity. Validating these emotions isessential to establishing Im good.

3. Fully expressed parental love establishes thebelief of Im good at the center of your child. The result:flourishing self-confidence and abounding joy. I call this fullyexpressed love unleashed parental love.