Paul A. Wickens - Husband and Wife: The Joys, Sorrows and Glories of Married Life

Husband and Wife

The Joys, Sorrows and Glories of Married Life

Father Paul A. Wickens

Copyright 1992, 2000 by Fr. Paul A. Wickens.

Library of Congress Catalog Card No.: 98-61686

Cover design by Peter Massari. Photo of Timothy and Melissa Gardner at their June 13, 1998 wedding, on the Feast of St. Anthony of Padua.

Rev. Paul A. Wickens was ordained in 1955 at Sacred Heart Cathedral in Newark, New Jersey. His mailing address is St. Anthony of Padua Chapel, 1360 Pleasant Valley Way, West Orange, New Jersey 07052.

TAN BOOKS AND PUBLISHERS, INC.
P.O. Box 424
Rockford, Illinois 61105

2000

THE NUPTIAL BLESSING

M AY the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob be with you, and may He fulfill His blessing in you: that you may see your children's children even to the third and fourth generation, and thereafter may you have life everlasting, by the grace of Our Lord Jesus Christ, who with the Father and the Holy Ghost liveth and reigneth, God forever and ever. Amen.

From the Nuptial Mass of the Traditional Roman Liturgy

CONTENTS

PUBLISHER'S PREFACE

The title, or even the subtitle, of this book might well be The Catholic View of Marriage because, in a capsule form, that is what the book is about. Yes, "The Catholic View of Marriage," for certainly the Catholic Church has a number of fundamental and far-reaching teachings on the nature and purpose of marriage, the role of husband and wife within a Catholic marriage and the place of the childrensuch that Catholic marriage, properly practiced, differs in a number of ways from the practices current in non-sacramental marriages and even from those of marriages between baptized non-Catholic Christians.

The duties and obligations of each spouse toward the other within a Catholic marriage, the marital morality they must observe, the proper relationship of the woman to the man regarding headship within the marriage, the responsibility of that headship on the man, the need for the woman to be primarily homemaker and mother, the understood indissolubility of marriageall these Catholic norms (and others) only help to promote true harmony and increased love between the spouses and a sense of security for the children. In effect, these Catholic norms help produce happy marriages.

Scores of Catholic books on marriage have been written in the last 75 years, proving that Catholic marriage is indeed a fertile subject for Catholic writers. And of all such books that I know about, the most telling title ever given any of them was Why Catholic Marriage Is Different. That was probably far from the best book on Catholic marriage, but it probably had the best title by far, because in those five simple words it announces to the reader that Catholic marriage is indeed different from non-Catholic marriage. And Fr. Paul Wickens' excellent little book, Husband and Wife, will amply show the reader why.

In brief, why? Becausein briefCatholic marriage is illuminated by the Divine Revelation of Jesus Christ, the God-Man, who came to "give testimony to the truth." (John 18:37). Man can discern with his unaided reason the principal lineaments of marriage, but Original Sin and his own personal sins help blind him to the exact truth about marriage and help weaken his will to accept that truth, even when he sees it clearly. But with Divine Revelation shedding its light upon the institution of marriage, "everyone that is of the truth" (John 18:37) and willing to accept God's word will see marriage for what it truly is and what it is truly supposed to be.

Catholic marriage, in short, is based upon true principles laid down by Almighty God. And if man will but follow and adhere to these principles, then marriages will be happy, harmonious, fruitful in graces and in children, and will promote the eternal salvation of the spouses and their children and foster the well-being of the Church and of society. In reading this book, therefore, one should rid his mind of all secular notions of marriage and open it to the divine truth regarding this God-given institution in which the majority of human beings are called to work out their salvation.

Thomas A. Nelson
February 27, 1999
St. Gabriel of

The Sorrowful Mother

FOREWORD

Strangers in Many Ways

At wedding receptions one often hears a song originally recorded by "The Carpenters" entitled "For All We Know":

Love, look at the two of us,
Strangers in many ways.
Let's take a lifetime to say,
"I knew you well..."

Yes! Most couples at the time of their marriage are still actually "strangers in many ways." But they need not worry! By God's grace, they will grow together in love, understanding and holiness.

The purpose of this small book is to help married people understand each other better, to help them with some of the common problems most couples encounter in marriage. It is not intended to be complete, by any means, but it is at least a "good start" to arriving at an understanding of each other and of the state of life they have entered into, what its purpose is and how God expects them to work out their eternal salvation within its realm.

The information and advice contained in this book are really the product of many priests, many counselors and many married couples.

Over a period of thirty-five years, especially through the outlines given to us at (pre-Vatican II) Cana Conferences, we were able to accumulate copious notes on various aspects of the state of marriage, and consequently we are able to pass along the accumulated wisdom of many people on this complex but so very important subject.

Our heartfelt thanks go out to those wonderful Catholic peoplesome of them now deceasedwho through their ideas and advice made this little book possible.

Fr. Paul A. Wickens
June 13, 1992
Feast of St. Anthony of Padua

Chapter 1

THE PRIEST AS MARRIAGE INSTRUCTOR

One may ask how a priest might be capable of giving marriage instructions. After all, he is not married. How does he know the joys, the sufferings and the problems in marriage?

To answer this objection, may we point out that a priest is capable because of four factors: 1) his training, 2) his experience, 3) his objectivity and 4) the grace of Holy Orders.

1. His Training: During his minimum of 8 years of college and seminary, he was given a well-rounded education, including an in-depth study of marriage.

2. His Experience: During his lifetime, a priest comes into contact with a countless variety of marriages. He has known newlywed couples as well as golden jubilarians. He sees the young and the old, the rich and the poor. He sees the happy homes and the unhappy homes, the successful marriages and the failed marriages. Thus, whereas the priest does not personally experience the joys and problems of this sacred union, he does obtain a wide understanding about it. One must realize that it is not necessary to experience intimately every phase of life in order to understand people and their situations. Certainly surgeons do not need to have gone through the experience of, let us say, a brain tumor operation in order to understand its ramifications. A client who hires a lawyer does not require that the lawyer have been convicted of a crime or have spent time in prison.

Personal experience is not the only teacher, and in fact, it is not necessarily the best teacher. For example, criminals often do not learn from the experience of arrest, trial and incarceration. Many fall back into the same crimes despite repeated punishment.

The experience that the priest possesses is vicarious, but richly varied and is buttressed with a knowledge of human nature and a grasp of true religious teaching.