Suzanne Venker - How to Choose a Husband: And Make Peace With Marriage

and make peace with marriage

Suzanne Venker

HOW TO CHOOSE A HUSBAND

WND Books
Washington, D.C.

Copyright 2013
Suzanne Venker
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means
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from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.

Book designed by Mark Karis

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First Edition

Hardcover ISBN: 978-1936488582
eBook ISBN: 978-1936488957

Library of Congress information available

Printed in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

for Emma

May you find someone just like Daddy.

The first time.

and for Henry

May you find a woman who lives an examined life.

Part One
YOU GO, GIRL!

Part Two
THE 12-STEP PROGRAM

Change your thoughts
and you change your world.

Norman Vincent Peale

I VE ALWAYS BEEN ENVIOUS of authors who refer to their editors as friends. Finally, I can do the same. Words cannot convey my gratitude to Megan Byrdour introduction was positively serendipitous. Thank you, thank you, thank you, MB for getting it. And thank you for your stellar editorial skills; your way cool personality; your outstanding work ethic; and most of all, your friendship. I still have to remind myself youre only twenty-seven.

I am also blessed to have artist extraordinaire Mark Karis on my sideas well as publishers Joseph and Elizabeth Farah. WND Books is a gem, and Im honored to be among its list of exceptional writers.

And of course there would be no Megan, or Mark, or WND Books, if there were no Bill. Thank you, my dear, for patiently leading me to them. And thank you for being the man you are. I feel so safe with you its ridiculous.

Finally, Id like to recognize the silent warriors whove helped push me along in the face of adversityand there are many, from my family and friends to my readers and general supporters of my work. Thank you, Mom, for loving everything I write. (You do realize youre hopelessly biased, dont you?) Thank you to Sam as well, who changed my perspective 100 percent. Thank you Sarah and Cathy, for everything . And finally, a great big thank you to my longtime friends, Katie and Ruthie. Im so blessed to have you both in my corner.

Onward!

W HEN PEOPLE HEARD I was writing a book called How to Choose a Husband , theyd say something like this to my husband, Bill: Wow, that must make you feel great! Perhaps it does, but with all due respect to my husbandwho is, admittedly, a great manthis book is not about how Suzanne Venker hit the jackpot and how you, too, can find your very own Bill. Our marriage is just like everyone elses: its full of ups and downs, loaded with conflicts and, left unchecked, potentially combustible.

Its supposed to be. Its a marriage.

How to Choose a Husband is not pretty talk. It is not your personal overnight guide to getting a ring, nor will it help you find the perfect husband or marriage. I have neither. No one does . What I do have is a husband who believes, as I do, that we must work with what weve got. And that has made all the difference in the world.

Perhaps somewhere in existence there are couples who ride off into the sunset and mesh beautifully along the way. Perhaps they never fight or even disagree. Perhaps they have fabulous sex day in and day out, no matter what life throws them. But if these couples exist, Ive never met them.

Too many people want marriage to be something its not; and when it doesnt measure up, they become antsy and dissatisfied. Some have affairs, and some get divorcedall in search of something better, something more meaningful, or something more exciting. But if you want a certain kind of marriage, it doesnt just happen. You have to be willing to create it.

I dont have all the answers, but this much I can tell you: whether or not you are happily married will dictate the entire course of your life. It will measure the flow of your days, be the determiner of your childrens well-being, even color your view of the world. You will take a good marriage or a bad marriage with you everywhere you go. It is the barometer for everything else you do.

With that in mind, I want you to think about all the time and energy youve spent preparing for and/or pursuing a career. Now imagine if you spent even half that time and energy preparing to become a wife. You know, like women used to do.

Sound crazy? Silly? Something only our grandmothers did? Perhaps. But our grandmothers found husbands and kept them.

Have you?

H OW TO CHOOSE A HUSBAND can change your life. Really. I wrote it for the woman who feels alone in her desire to get married and settle down, whos looking for The One but getting nowhere, who thinks shes found The One but wants to be sure, whos living with her boyfriend and suffering from inertia, whos divorced but would like to remarry, whos considering divorce but has yet to pull the trigger, or whos still single at thirty-five and wishes she werent.

You are not the problem. Society is.

How could you not be struggling? Unlike every other generation in history, yours was taught to postpone marriage indefinitely or ignore it altogether, as though marriage had no bearing on your happiness. As though it were a nice idea, or nice accompaniment to an otherwise satisfying life. This message has been so strong for so long that its now chic to be single. Living alone comports with modern values. It promotes freedom, personal control, and self-realizationall prized aspects of contemporary life, wrote Eric Klinenberg, author of Flying Solo .

But if flying solo is so great, why are businesses like Match.com , eHarmony, Spark, and Its Just Lunch booming with clients looking to get hitched? Sure, being single is funfor a while. But most people dont want to stay single. Men and women are irrevocably drawn to one another. Since the beginning of time, this attraction has been the driving force of our survival as a speciesand until recent decades has almost always resulted in lasting marriage. But somewhere along the line, we lost our way.

How to Choose a Husband presents a very different message from the one youve gleaned from the culture. You will read things here that sound utterly foreign and may even make you cringe. Do not despair . Simply hold your breath, and carry on. Because if youre a young womansay, anywhere between eighteen and thirty-fiveyou have hit the jackpot. And if youre over thirty-five and still searching for Mr. Right, or if youre married and you