Gary Thomas - The Sacred Search: What If It’s Not about Who You Marry, But Why?

Contents

Isaac and Rebekah

Compelling Reasons to Get Married

How Would Jesus Date?

To two very special people: my oldest brother, Jerry Thomas, who has been a rock in our family and a great encouragement and inspiration to me for my entire life, and to his delightful daughter (and my goddaughter), Lindsey Thomas, that she will embrace the godly example her parents have set for her and enjoy the riches of a truly sacred marriage.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Id like to thank those who read previous versions of this book and offered many helpful comments: Lisa Thomas, Darrell and Allison Vesterfelt, Steve and Rebecca Wilke, Mary Kay Smith, John Card, Steve and Candice Watters, Lindsey Thomas, and Jay Fields. A special thanks is also due to Dr. Ed Young and our home church, Second Baptist in Houston, Texas, for the support base they provide.

I am also very grateful to my agent, Curtis Yates of Yates and Yates, for his friendship and partnership for so many years; and to the David C Cook team: especially Alex Field, Dan Rich, Don Pape, Mike Salisbury, Ginia Croker, Karen Lee-Thorp, Caitlyn Carlson, Mike Worley, Michael Covington, Ingrid Beck, and the many other fine individuals who have worked to make this book a success. Its an honor to be part of your team.

A TALE OF TWO TEARS

The faithful pastors face grew taut as he told me, Let me be honest with you. My marriage has constituted the biggest cross of my life.

The tears that slipped out of his eyes and rolled down his cheeks provided a sobering picture of the weight this man carries with him every day of his life. Instead of launching him into newer and bigger opportunities, instead of providing encouragement and sustenance and hope, his marriage is acting like dead weight. God continues to use him, but he walks his journey with a rock in his shoe that hurts him every step of the way.

A thirtysomething woman looked into my eyes and let tears of another sort flow freely as she spoke of her husbands care for her. Shes had some health-related issues to contend with, and life has not been easy, but her husband has been another kind of rock, a source of tremendous encouragement and acceptance: Next to Jesus, my husband has been the greatest joy in my life. I cant even imagine where Id be without him or how I would have faced all that I have without him by my side.

Both of these scenarios are true. Im sorry that they may reinforce gender stereotypesthe male leader and the woman needing support. Because they are based in fact I cant, with integrity, change them. Look past that for a moment to see the real-life frustration and joy, respectively, that each person feels. One person is crying tears of pain, working as hard as he can to keep his marriage together, but his relationship is compared to a cross. It saps his strength, but he perseveres, because he knows its the right thing to do.

The other person is also crying, but not because she is struggling through a difficult relationship. She weeps because she is grateful for a man who loves her so well, so wonderfully, that she cant imagine life without him.

Tears of pain and tears of joy.

A marriage compared to bearing the cross.

A union compared to a foretaste of heaven.

Ten years after youre married, what kind of tears will you be crying? Will they be the stinging tears of pain or warm tears generated by joy? The reality is, every marriage has plenty of both kinds of tears, but its also true that some marriages are marked primarily by pain while others are marked primarily by joy. No marriage is easy, but some marriages build each partner up, while others tear each partner down. Every marriage takes time and effort, but some marriages sap the spouses strength, while others generate joy and enthusiasm and intimacy.

Im writing this book because I want you to cry tears of joy on your tenth anniversary. I want you to be able to say, with all sincerity, Next to becoming a Christian, marrying _______ is the best decision Ive ever made.

But heres the thing that might shock you: the answer to this question may well be driven more by why you get married than by who you marry. Its not that the who doesnt matter (in fact, it matters very much); its just that asking and settling the why question first will set you up to make a wise choice about the who. Why do you want to get married? Thats what you need to ask before you decide who to marry.

Its a particularly important question because if you make one bad financial investment, you can always start over, but biblical marriage is a one-shot deal. Many Christians believe there are a couple of biblically accepted causes for divorce, but these are limited and severe. In the vast majority of cases, should you become disappointed in your choice, your obligation as a believer will be to work it out instead of walking out and starting over. This fact alone makes it doubly worth the time, effort, and even the heartache of a breakup for believers to make sure theyre making a wise decision before they enter into marriage. Once you get married, every evening, every weekend, every holiday, every morning will be marked, for good or for ill, by that relationship.

The person you marry is the last person youll see every night before you go to sleep. Their face is the first one you will see when you wake up in the morning. Their words will encourage or discourage you, their humor will make you laugh in amusement or cry in shame. Their body will pleasure you or threaten you. Their hands will hold you or hurt you. Their presence will be a healing balm or a reminder of all that could have been.

Many years ago, when speaking at an event in California, I slipped out of a hotel ballroom in order to pick up an extra shirt at an outside mall (poor packing). Surrounded by beautiful people in a beautiful setting, I longed more than I can describe to see my wife walking toward me. I had a fantasy about my wife, but there was nothing sexual about it. I just wanted to see her walking out of that mass of people and smiling in my direction, to know she would spend the rest of the weekend with me. It was an impossible fantasyLisa was a thousand miles away, just north of Seattle, caring for our children, but there wasnt a sight in the world that would have given me more joy that day than to see Lisamy wifewalking toward me.

I want you to have moments like thatwhere, even when youre apart, you wish you could be together. I dont want you to be like so many couples I talk to whose fantasy is watching their spouses walk away.

It changes you as a person when a woman who calls you her pastor is crying on the phone because shes worried that your work with her husband will cause him to stay. Shes exhausted by her marriage, disappointed to the extreme, ready for it to be over withbut she wants to honor God, so she and her husband meet with you. She then listens to you talk and thinks God might actually use you to convince her husband to fully repent and change his ways, and thats what causes her to break down. She and her husband had a good nine months of dating, but there hasnt been a good nine-month stretch in their entire ten-year marriage, and his divorcing her would feel like liberation.

I dont want that for you. I dont want you ever to be at a point where you think your happiness as a spouse depends upon my failure as a pastor to convince your spouse to stay. But, friends, thats real life for a lot of couples. They rushed the process or made the decision for poor reasons and now are fighting the consequences every day of their lives.