Gary Smalley - Making Love Last Forever

Making Love
Last Forever

Making Love
Last Forever

GARY SMALLEY

1996 by Gary Smalley.

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherexcept for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville,Tennessee.Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

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Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations used in this book are from the Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV). Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.

Anecdotes and case studies presented in this volume are composites of actual cases. Names and other details have been changed to protect identities.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Smalley, Gary.
Making love last forever / Gary Smalley.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-8499-1194-1 (HC)
ISBN 978-0-8499-4086-6 (trade paper)
1. Marriage. 2. Intimacy (Psychology) 3. Love.
4. Man-woman relationships. I. Title.
HQ734.S6863 1996
306.7dc20

96-21566
CIP

Printed in the United States of America
08 09 10 11 12 QW 25 24 23 22 21

Dedication

I dedicate this book to several outstanding families, all of whom made this book possible. Without them believing in me and investing so much of their resources in my work, this lifelong project would never have been realized.

Steve and Shannon Scott
Jim and Patty Shaughnessy
Bob and Marjorie Marsh
John and Nima Marsh
Dave and Leslie Marsh
Ed and Laurie Shipley
Jeff and Karen Heft
Ben and Marion Weaver
Frank and Katie Kovacs
The staff at American Telecast

Contents

Appendix: Three Character Qualities: Prerequisites to Dating
for the Smalley Children

I wish to thank a number of dear people who have made this book possible. First my wife and three children who had to put up with all my trial-and-error methods of building a healthy marriage and family. They were willing to take several different paths with me until we found the ones that worked best for us. Were all still great friends and enjoying our adult lives a lot more because of our journey together.

Most importantly, I wish to thank Larry Weeden for his outstanding ability to capture my thoughts and desires within each chapter. His wordsmanship is greatly appreciated and his loving and gentle attitude made the whole project a very pleasant experience.

Thank you, thank you, thank you doesnt begin to express my deep appreciation to Joey Paul and F. Evelyn Bence for their outstanding editorial help in the final stages.

Mike Hyatt, my literary agent, of Wolgemuth and Hyatt, has not only been a very caring friend over the years, but he has worked diligently with me to prepare this newest manuscript. Our involvement goes all the way back to his University days when my wife Norma introduced him to Gail, his wife to be. Also, his commitment to help in all the promotional developments has been superb.

None of this project could have been started without the inspiration and encouragement of the men and women of American Telecast. They are the ones who produced all three of our TV infomercials, Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships with Dick Clark, then, Connie Selecca and John Tesh, and our last one with Kathy Lee and Frank Gifford. Without them the four million plus videos would not be floating around the world. Particularly, Id like to thank Steve and Shannon Scott, Jim and Patty Shaughnessy, the Marsh family, and all the other employees of their outstanding company.

Another very important group of people on this project were four psychologists who not only teach on the graduate level, but who are warm, personable, and loving men: Dr. Rod Cooper, Dr. Dan Trathen, Dr. Gary Oliver, and Dr. Ken Canfield. I thank them for the many insights they gave me over the last few years. These men all helped me develop my video series for national TV, eighteen sessions in all. They met with me for days at a time and imparted their wisdom and research. Then after I had taken their instruction and developed each session, they would again listen to my sessions and evaluate the accuracy and validity of each session. In short they have not only greatly enriched my life over the past few years, but they have been truly great friends in stretching me to learn so many terrific new things about marriage and life. Dr. Canfield presently has the single largest database of fathering research of any marriage and family center in the world. The other three men all have regular counseling responsibilities, teach in a graduate school of psychology, and help with an organization that hopes to inspire and challenge almost one-half million men to become more loving to their families and to learn how to relate better in their spiritual lives.

Then theres Dr. John Trent who is not only a good friend, but the one who first introduced me to the best personality inventory I have ever studied. He has an unusual grasp of this concept and Ill always be indebted to him for his inspiration, love, and instruction.

I also want to thank Bill Butterworth for his help in the initial stages of our project. He had a great ability to help me retell my own stories with humor. Randy Marshall also gave me excellent assistance with stories and jokes.

Then I wish to thank the many couples who allowed me to review each chapter with them week after week as we were developing it. Terry and Janna Brown, Rick and Trish Tallon, Todd Ellett, Chris and Sonja Meyer, John and Karen Hart, Chris Zervas, Jack and Sherry Herschend, John and Lisa Clifford, Amy Davis, Smith and Gail Brookhart. Then, following this unique groups help, I had another large focus group of men and women critique each chapter after the book had been finished. Terri Felton and Terri Norris headed this delightful group. They were great. They met for an entire day and rated each chapter and gave suggestions on how to improve each one.

Thanks to my publisher, Thomas Nelson, (all of them, who also read and helped in the final stages of editing and marketing).

All in all, this has been the most involved project I have ever undertaken. It has taken almost two years of writing and over twenty years of gathering the information. But, Im very aware that this project could not have happened without hundreds of precious individuals helping in the process. Thank you for your valuable help!!

Getting the Most from
This Book

If you keep your eyes open to three specific things while reading this book, I believe you will get far more from the suggestions offered here.

First, stretch your mind to at least entertain the idea that you are fully responsible for your own quality of life, no matter what your circumstances have been, are, or may become.

Second, be open to the idea that falling in love with life is the best way to equip yourself to stay in love with your spouseforever. To help you do this, Ive divided this book into two parts offering separate sets of principles. The first half of the book is based on this critical truth: You will never know the deep satisfaction of a life-long love with your spouse if you are not first in love with life. In this half of the book Ill give you five ways to enrich your own life. Then, in part 2, Ill present eight practical helps for understanding and, yes, loving your mate. These principles hold and can bring about positive change in a relationship whether or not your spouse is willing to make personal changes in his or her lifestyle or attitude. Having said that, of course, the ideal is for the two of you to work together at improving your relationship.