Gary Smalley - The Two Sides of Love: The Secret to Valuing Differences

The Two Sides of Love: The Secret to Valuing Differences

2019 Gary Smalley and John Trent. All rights reserved.

A Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188

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Editors: Larry Weeden and Kathy Davis

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ISBN 978-1-58997-947-5

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This book is dedicated to two behind the scenes people who are unsung heroes. Even more, they are both decades-long friends. Larry Weeden is a world-class editor and publisher. It was his vision to see this book revised and updated to help a new generation strengthen their families and faith. And Dr. Dewey Wilson, founder of StrongMarriages.com, built the Connect Assessment from the ground up, as well as the special short-form version youll find here. His years of hard work have created an amazing online tool for helping lions, otters, golden retrievers, and beavers gain a powerful way of seeing their strengths and moving toward wholehearted love.

T HERE IS A SECRET TO VALUING DIFFERENCES that so many couples, individuals, even teams dont know and its destroying their relationships. If that phrase sounds familiar, those words, The Secret to Valuing Differences, is on the cover of this book. But there was a time when I didnt know it. What I (John) did know was that the couple whose marriage I was trying to save was in huge trouble. Relationship-ending trouble. And I wasnt helping them. Then things got worse...

You will never help this couple! Never!

The short, middle-aged man in the too large, black cardigan sweater stood menacingly over me (John), his voice thundering. He was stabbing his finger at me in simple fury. Id played football in high school. Id wrestled in college. Id had serious coaches mad at me and in my face in the past. But this ranked near the top of all the chewing outs Id ever received. And it wasnt even coming from a tough-as-nails coach!

The he who was so spitting-mad furious with me was none other than my counseling professor! The where was a small, upstairs classroom. Seated around the one table in that room were eight doctoral students. All of us taking a counseling supervision class. Men. Women. Younger. Older. I was one of the eight. The one being yelled at.

And do you know why youll never help them? he continued, his rage at me undiminished.

Boom! With the flat of his hand, he slammed it down on the cassette player right in front of me. That instantly made the tape player stop, made me jump, and made others in the room sit back.

To give some background, this was years ago. For example, when we train graduate students in counseling today, we use state-of-the-art, ceiling-mounted HD video cameras to replay sessions for counseling students and their supervisors to review and learn from. Back when I was being yelled at, we shared and listened to cassette tapes.

In this case, I was playing my tape before my professor and fellow students. It was a session with a couple who was really hurting. The way the class played out, the professor would randomly pick one or two students each week. Wed play our tape. Then hed give some kind of constructive feedback or helpful insights on what hed heard. He would also invite in our fellow doctoral students to chip in their helpful thoughts or suggestions. Id gotten some positive feedback when hed picked me to play my tape before. That night, he chose my tape. Only what was happening didnt feel very helpful!

I was a fledgling therapist. This was one of the first real counseling sessions Id ever done. And sadly, I knew I was struggling and failing to help this couple. From what theyd already shared about their story, I was ready to give them the blue ribbon as the Worlds Most Opposite Couple. He was right-handed. She was left-handed. He was a morning person. She was a night person. She was a saver. He was more of a spender. He demanded that the toilet paper come off the top of the roll. She just wanted it there...

Thats just to name a few minor differences that had already come up between them. But their struggles had become much more than just arguments over toilet paper. Their differences had become emotionally crushing, choking the very life out of their marriage.

From what Id learned of their story, their relationship had started out fine. In fact, in their courtship and their first few years of marriage, they initially felt that their differences complemented each other well. She was thrilled that she didnt have to fail at balancing the checkbook anymore. He loved how she would spontaneously announce fun things for the two of them to do on the weekend.

But then something happened. No matter how I phrased the question, neither one could come up with a single big issue that had rushed in to ruin their relationship. There were no huge moral failures on either part. Not a hint of abuse or neglect. It was death by a thousand emotional paper cuts.

From her viewpoint, her husband would ask countless questions, which she now took as criticism or questioning her every move. He wasnt trying to understand her anymore. She felt sure his questions were demanding and a clear attempt at micromanaging her life, not just wanting more information on a particular issue.

And he was sick to death of how she wouldnt get serious about anything at least in the same way he looked deeply and critically at almost everything. Even on important topics that impacted their family or future, he felt she never saw the very real (to him) threats or possible problems he saw. To him, she was all fun and no responsibility which she seemed fine with. But he used that perception of her as his rationale for emotionally stepping further and further away from her. An