Gary Smalley - Love Is A Decision: Proven Techniques to Keep Your Marriage Alive and Lively

love is a decision

love is a decision

Proven Techniques
to Keep Your Marriage
Alive and Lively

Gary Smalley & John Trent

LOVE IS A DECISION

1989 Gary Smalley and John Trent, Ph.D.

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherexcept for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Thomas Nelson, Inc., titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail SpecialMarkets@ThomasNelson.com.

Peoples names and certain details of case histories related in this book have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV). Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.

Grateful acknowledgment is expressed to Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, for permission to use selected material from two previous books by Gary Smalley: The Joy of Committed Love 1984 by Gary T. Smalley and Joy that Lasts 1986 by Gary T. Smalley.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Smalley, Gary.
Love is a Decision.
p. cm.

ISBN-13: 978-0-8499-0721-0 (he)

ISBN-13: 978-0-8499-4268-6 (sc)

ISBN-13: 978-0-8499-3362-2 (tp)

1.MarriageUnited States. 2. MarriageReligious
aspectsChristianity. I. Trent, John T.
II. Title.
HQ734.S686 1989 646.78

Printed in the United States of America

10 11 WC 30 29 28 27

The material in this book is based largely on the "Love Is a Decision" Seminar, and its success is due largely to the efforts of Terry Brown, our national seminar director.

This book is gratefully dedicated to

Terry

Without knowing it, thousands of couples lives have been enriched by his years of faithful, loyal service in coordinating the many details for the seminar. We thank God for this special servant and for the unique way he enriches everyone who knows him.

Contents

Planning on a
Great Marriage?

It was just turning dark when I arrived at the home of a family I was staying with in Tampa, Florida. Exhausted after speaking at a seminar all day, I was looking forward to a restful, uneventful night.

I knew my hosts only slightly, but they lived in a beautiful home in a peaceful neighborhood. But then again, looks can be deceiving. In fact, I would never have expected either event that happened to me over the next few hours.

As I walked up to the front door, I reached into one pocket, then another. Thats when I realized Id left my key inside in my room, and I was locked out of the house. Ringing the doorbell wouldnt have done any good. My hosts had told me they wouldnt be home until late. So I decided to go around to the back yard and see if by chance a window or door had been left open.

As I rounded the back corner, I froze in terror. From out of the dark, a huge black form was racing toward me at breakneck speed. It was the biggest dog Id ever seen in my life!

Ten feet from where I stood petrified with fear, the dog left the ground with a tremendous leapand I knew Id soon be on my way to the hospital. In milli-seconds Id feel the pain of his teeth tearing into me.

I closed my eyes and braced myself for the collision... but nothing happened. At first I thought, Hes toying with me. This dog knows Im about to die, and he wants to watch me suffer! But after a moment more, I finally built up enough courage to open my eyes. Unbelievably, he was sitting happily at my feet, his big friendly tongue hanging out and his tail wagging. He was actually whimpering for me to reach down and pet him.

After my heart rate dropped from triple to double digits, I checked the house only to find it securely locked. It was getting late, and I was worn out. I was faced with either camping out on the back porch with my new-found canine friend or thinking of some alternative. Thats when an idea hit me.

Another family Id been introduced to lived in Tampa. Perhaps I could stay with them until my hosts returned. So I jumped into my car and drove across town to John and Kay Hammers stately homeand into an even more surprising situation.

As I knocked on the door, I was greeted by Kay. "Hi, Gary," she said, flashing her million-dollar smile. She makes anyone she meets feel special and important. I explained my situation to her and John, and they insisted that I stay at their house for the night.

I met their charming children as they piled out of their rooms. Finally, after a little small talk in the living room, we all retired for the night.

My body must have known that my plane didnt leave until the next evening, because it overruled the alarm clock, and I slept late the next morning. By the time I got up, showered, and dressed, the kids and John had already headed off to school and work.

Only Kay was left in the kitchen to play short-order cook for her unexpected house guest.

Id already received one shock when Godzilla the Dog leaped at me, but little did I know I was about to be hit with a second shock that was even more disturbing. As we sat at the kitchen table, the smile quickly fell from her face and down into her teacup. She sat there, her head bowed, staring blankly at the table top. With very little prompting, Kay began pouring out an all-too-familiar story.

For years, this wife had felt neglected. Her husband gave the best of his week to his thriving business, and she and the children were left with emotional left-overs on the weekends. All the family responsibilities for raising four youngsters fell on her shoulders, and she was exhausted from putting out fires between her husband and the children.

At times she would plead with John to work on their disintegrating relationship, but her cries fell on deaf ears. Too consumed with building up his career, he didnt have time to worry about the way his marriage and family were breaking down.

Kay suffered through the "domestic" neglect that many wives do, but with one added heartache. She was a Christian with a genuine faith, but she knew that when her husband went to church it was more for social contacts, not spiritual growth. Slowly, as the years went by, his insensitivity had eaten its way to the very core of their relationshipand had begun to poison her heart.

The Ruin of a National Treasure

As I sat with Kay that day, I felt like I was watching the wreck of the Exxon tanker, Valdez. Here was a beautiful home and a stunning family. Yet with disharmony and heartache steering at the helm, their family relationships had been guided right onto the rocks, just as that ill-fated oil tanker had been.

Day after day, the poison of a ruptured marriage poured onto their lives, covering the natural beauty of a loving family with three inches of sludge. They had tried to clean up some of the disaster (which their relationship had become), but in many ways the damage was already done. The kids were feeling the tensions at home and beginning to reflect it in their lives, and any interest they might have shown in attending church was now falling dormant.