Gary Smalley - The Heart of Remarriage

2010 Gary Smalley and Greg Smalley

Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com

Revell edition published 2014

ISBN 978-1-4412-2577-1

Previously published by Regal Books

Ebook edition originally created 2012

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Other versions used are:

AMP Scripture taken from THE AMPLIFIED BIBLE, Old Testament copyright 1965, 1987 by the Zondervan Corporation. The Amplified New Testament copyright 1958, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

CEVContemporary English Version. Copyright American Bible Society, 1995.

ESV Scripture taken from the English Standard Version , Copyright 2001. The ESV and English Standard Version are trademarks of Good News Publishers.

THE MESSAGEScripture taken from THE MESSAGE. Copyright by Eugene H. Peterson, 1993, 1994, 1995. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

NASBScripture taken from the New American Standard Bible, 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

NCVScriptures quoted from The Holy Bible, New Century Version, copyright 1987, 1988, 1991 by Word Publishing, Nashville, Tennessee. Used by permission.

NKJVScripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

NLTScripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

TLBScripture quotations marked (TLB) are taken from The Living Bible, copyright 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189. All rights reserved.

Gary Smalley:

To my faithful assistant, Sue Parks, who has helped in writing this book with her many life stories and discerning insight.

Greg Smalley:

I dedicate this book to my wife, Erin. Thank you for loving me deeply from your heart. I could not have written this book without your encouragement, support and sacrifice. You are my best friend and the love of my life. Also, to our four children: Taylor, Maddy, Garrison and Annie.

Dan and Marci Cretsinger:

To our dear friend Doris Haynes. We are ever grateful for her friendship. She saw something in us that we thought had died, and God used her to pull us out of the pit of guilt and help us forgive ourselves and move forward in faith and love. She has been with us through many rough times, always there to encourage and remind us of Gods great promises to His children. She has inspired us, prayed for us and counseled us, and we have healed and grown in our marriage and our faith. Thank you, Doris. Thank you, Beth Moore, who wrote When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. This book was a great tool in healing us. And to our children, whom we love so dearly: Rachel, Michael, John, Dana and Sam.

Thank you for your forgiveness and love.

When Matt and Mandy decided to get married, they vowed to do it right. They would love each other till death parted them, and get married in their church in a ceremony witnessed by friends and family. Excitedly, the couple booked their wedding date in the chapel and planned their reception. Mandy bought a beautiful wedding gown, and the pair picked out rings. They lined up their premarital counseling appointments and showed up a few minutes early for the first session, eager to hear the words of wisdom their pastor would impart for their blessed union.

They entered the pastors office, where the men shook hands and clapped each other lightly on the back, and Mandy gave the pastor a light hug. Then the couple sat down in chairs across from this man they respectedand waited.

Suddenly, the atmosphere turned slightly awkward. The pastor cleared his throat, obviously trying to find the right words. Matt and Mandy looked at each other anxiously. You see, Matt and Mandy were each getting married for the second time. She wasnt the young first-time bride, but a divorce with an ex-husband living two states away and two small children. Matt had a former wife who now attended church across town, and three kids who went back and forth between mom and dad. The comfortable, wood-paneled church office suddenly began to feel stifling.

This scenario, or something like it, happens in churches every day. Well-meaning couples who have experienced the pain of leaving a marriage or losing a spouse through death or divorce want to get married for the second (or more) time, and well-meaning, caring pastors and ministers feel uneasy or dont have the right tools to counsel them on how to do it. Couples on the brink of remarriage desperately need wisdom, and their damaged hearts long for a blessing. Theyve heard the warnings of family and friends. They already know the odds against a second marriage making it. They live daily with the pain of friends who gossip, judge or simply no longer invite them over since their marriage ended.

Still, Christian couples who believe that God has offered them a new chance at love for a lifetime make joyful plans for remarriage. They want to build a family that will honor God, and they desire to be used by Him as a living picture of redemption. They need acceptance and solid advice, and they turn to their churches to receive it.

Often, the pastor isnt sure how to give itthe advice or the blessing. After all, praising the two for remaining sexually pure before the union doesnt exactly fit, and talking about how the marriage will change when children enter the picture usually doesnt apply. (Been there, done that.) Finances are muddied with child support coming and going, and simple suggestions for better communication hardly cover the sticky circumstances remarried couples will face, with former spouses who create chaos and children who may hate their stepparent. Plus, most loving pastors have counseled hundreds of marriages in trouble and watched remarriages fall apart right and left. They feel torn between hoping this union will last for the sake of all the kids involved and wanting to say, Are you sure you want to do this? (the polite version of shouting, Run for the hills!). They want to provide wisdom but arent sure what are the right words to say.

When premarital sessions are over, couples smile and shake hands with their pastor again, but the smiles are now strained, and all feel relieved to be parting. The three may engage in a few more of these stilted conversations before the wedding, most likely never getting past the past and on to issues of the heart that could bring healing. Instead of getting a good start for a healthy remarriage, couples often feel guilty or frustrated at the lack of empathy and understanding. And pastors and lay pastors who care about these couples and want to marry them with a blessing may feel like they have failed to give hope, wisdom and solid resources to give remarriages a great start.