Smalley - For better or for best: a valuable guide to knowing, understanding, and loving your husband

Other Books by Dr. Gary Smalley

Hidden Keys of a Loving, Lasting Marriage

If Only He Knew

Joy That Lasts

ZONDERVAN

For Better or for Best

Copyright 2012 by Gary Smalley

ePub Edition November 2015: ISBN 978-0-310-59929-6

Requests for information should be addressed to:

Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Smalley, Gary.

For better or for best : a valuable guide to knowing, understanding, and loving your husband / Gary Smalley.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references (p.).

ISBN 978-0-310-32837-7 (softcover)

1. Marriage United States. 2. Marriage Religious aspects Christianity. 3. Husbands United States. I. Title.

HQ734.S683 2010

248.8'44 dc22

2010043330

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the New American Standard Bible. Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1982, by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Any Internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers in this book are offered as a resource. They are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement by Zondervan, nor does Zondervan vouch for the content of these sites and numbers for the life of this book.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Cover photography: David Arky/Corbis

Interior design: Katherine Lloyd, The DESK

12 13 14 15 16 17 /DCI/ 23 22 21 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

To my wife, Norma,
who made my contribution to this book possible,
and to our children, Kari, Greg, and Michael

CONTENTS

PART ONE
The Foundation for Building a Better Marriage

PART TWO
Building a Better Marriage

Ebook Instructions

In this ebook edition, please use your devices note-taking function to record your thoughts wherever you see the bracketed instructions [Your Response]. Use your devices highlighting function to record your response whenever you are asked to checkmark, circle, underline, or otherwise indicate your answer(s).

Fulfilling marriages dont just happen. They are built on proven principles essential to the development of any warm and loving relationship. ) is designed to help you better understand these principles and learn how you can apply them in a practical way to your everyday routine. These principles are the foundation of a good marriage.

) provides the materials you need to build on this foundation. Each chapter cites specific ways to motivate your husband to love you genuinely, in the way you want to be loved. Each chapter is written independently of the others, so you can read them in any order you wish. Their order of appearance is based on priorities women have said are the most important to them. However, your unique situation may mean that a later chapter will be more vital to you than an earlier one. To determine what chapters are of greatest importance to you, go to the Contents page and number the chapters accordingly. You may then want to read the chapters in your own order of importance.

PART ONE
The Foundation for Building a Better Marriage

1
LASTING RELATIONSHIPS DONT JUST HAPPEN

An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.

Proverbs 31:10

Jim stared silently at the television set while Carol ached inside, wondering why he was angry at her again. They had only been married a year, and Carol could already see their relationship deteriorating. She couldnt help but wonder if she would soon join the millions of other couples whose marriages have ended in divorce. When she finally broke the silence by asking Jim what was wrong, he refused to answer her. Hurting for a few minutes, she repeated the question. His response wounded her so deeply, she began to doubt her adequacy as a wife.

He said, Im sick and tired of you taking everything so seriously. Youre just too sensitive! If I had known you were this emotional, I probably never would have married you. But since we are married, I think you need to do your part. Cut out the overreacting and stop being so touchy about what I say and do. If were going to have any kind of marriage, you have to stop being so childish!

Sound familiar? With these harsh words, Jim unknowingly has set their relationship on a destructive path leading to some very unattractive changes changes that will likely lead to the ultimate disintegration of their relationship. Jims main problem, shared by thousands of other husbands, is that he fails to understand the basic differences between men and women. Jim has taken two of his wifes greatest natural strengths, her sensitivity and intuitive awareness of life, and labeled them weaknesses. In response to Jims reproof, Carol, like thousands of other wives, will begin to form a calloused, hardened attitude toward life in general, and Jim in particular. If their marriage lasts more than a few years, Jim will find to his dismay that Carols sensitivity has finally been subdued and that he has lost most or all of his attraction to her. If only he could remember that her sensitivity was one of the first things that attracted him. If only he understood that her alertness was one of her greatest strengths. And if only he began treating her with tenderness, gentleness, and kindness, their relationship would grow stronger and more fulfilling.

The emotional and mental differences between men and women (described in detail in ) can become insurmountable obstacles to a lasting, fulfilling relationship when ignored or misunderstood. However, those same differences, when recognized and appreciated, can become stepping stones to a meaningful, fulfilling relationship.

Women, for example, have a tremendous advantage in two of lifes most important areas: loving God and loving others (Matt. 22:36 40). Women have an intuitive ability to develop meaningful relationships and a desire for intimate communication, and this gives them the edge in what Jesus described as the two greatest commandments. God said that it was not good for man to dwell alone, and He created a significant helper and completer woman. Men definitely need help with making and maintaining relationships, but how women can help so that men listen and receive their help is the thrust of this book.

When a woman understands her strengths for what they are, her self-image will be practically indestructible, no matter how her husband belittles her. When both husband and wife understand each other and begin to respond to one another accordingly, their relationship can blossom into the marriage they dreamed of. Carol can begin to make Jim aware of her deeper needs for love, assurance, and security, without feeling selfish for desiring fulfillment of her needs. Unfortunately, at the rate Jim and Carol are going, it probably wont be long before they end their marriage in divorce.

But dont despair! Your marriage does not have to become part of these grave divorce statistics. With the right tools, you can carve a more fulfilling marriage out of a seemingly hopeless one, and this book will provide you with many of those tools. But the tools by themselves will never get the job done. They have to be picked up and used properly and consistently if they are to bring the intended results.