Smalley - If only he knew: a valuable guide to knowing, understanding and loving your wife

You husbands in the same way,
live with your wives in an understanding way.
1 Peter 3:7

At the other end of the phone a quivering voice said, Youve got to help me. She has a court order against me. George was coming to me for help after his relationship with his wife was already in shreds. Weve been married over twenty years, and she wont even let me back in the house. I cant believe she would treat me this way after all Ive done for her. Can you help us get back together?

Before I answered his question, I wanted to talk to his wife. Theres no way you can talk to Barbara, he said. She wouldnt talk to you. The moment you say youre representing me in any way, shell hang up on you.

Ive never been turned down by a wife yet, I assured him, so we might as well see if this will be the first time. Would you give me her phone number?

To be honest, as grim as things sounded, I did wonder if she would be the first wife not willing to talk to me about her marital strife. But my doubts were unfounded she was more than anxious to discuss their problems.

What would it take for you to be willing to let your husband back into your life? What would have to happen before you would try to rebuild a marriage relationship with him? Those were the same questions I had asked many wives who claimed they didnt want their husbands back.

Her response was typical. I cant possibly answer that question. Hes the worst husband in the world, so I wouldnt think of taking him back. I cant stand his personality or his offensive habits anymore. The court order would take care of him, she told me. Just keep him away!

I gently asked her if she could tell me the things he had done to offend her. When I heard her response, I said, It sounds like he hasnt been a very sensitive and gentle husband, has he?

Once again I asked her to stretch her imagination and think about what changes would be necessary before she would take him back.

There was plenty of room for improvement, she told me. First, he was too domineering and critical of her. Second, he tried to control her every move with a possessive grip. Third, he trampled her sense of self-worth with constant ridicule. And fourth, although he always had time for business and other interests, he seldom took time to listen to her. On top of all that, he spied on her and didnt give her any freedom.

Dont get any ideas, though, she told me at the end of our conversation. Because no matter what, I wont stop the divorce.

When I relayed these complaints to George, I knew I had touched some sensitive spots. He defended himself and accused her. I let him rant for a while before asking, Do you want your wife back?

Yes, Id do anything to get her back, he said.

Good. Im always willing to work with someone ready to readjust his life. But if youre not totally serious, let me know now. I dont like to play games. Again he committed himself to change, but his commitment didnt last beyond my next statement. Were going to have to work on your domineering and possessive nature. It shows you dont genuinely love your wife.

He fumed, spouted, defended, and fought so much I began to wonder if he really would commit himself to the necessary changes.

Ive never met a more belligerent, stubborn man in my entire life! I exclaimed.

Suddenly subdued, he responded, Thats not my nature. Im usually rather submissive inside. Maybe Im putting up a front because Im really not a pushy person. I feel like people run all over me.

I dont think you and I are talking about the same person, I responded. If I were your wife, Im not sure I could bear up emotionally under your domineering personality.

That stopped him long enough for him to give our conversation some serious thought. After talking to his friends and even praying that God would help him understand, he returned to my office able to confess his faults and ready to change.

If you really want to love your wife, then you need to begin right now, at the divorce trial, I said. Now that we were on the subject, he mentioned that he needed to get a lawyer because she had one.

No, I cautioned him. If you want to win her back, you need to forget about a lawyer this time. (I dont always recommend this, but based on their personal background, I felt he would stand a better chance of regaining her love without legal counsel.)

Youre crazy, he said. Theyll take me to the cleaners.

Feeling somewhat defenseless, he reluctantly agreed to forfeit legal counsel.

Two of his friends and I waited in the courthouse for the closed-room session to end. He came running out of the courtroom bellowing. She wants 20 percent of my retirement 20 percent! No way Im gonna do that!

Once again I asked him, Do you want your wife back?

Again he nodded yes.

Then give her 25 percent, I told him. I reminded him that now was the time to respect her and treat her sensitively. Later, he emerged from the courtroom a divorced man, but not for long

Several months later I ran into him at the grocery store. My wife and I remarried, he said triumphantly. I thought you were crazy when you first told me the things I should do for my wife there was no way I would ever be able to do them. It took sheer willpower at first. I only did them because you said that God rewards those who seek him and follow his ways. But you know, its really amazing. After doing them for three months, I actually enjoy them.

He continued to give examples of the new ways he was treating his wife. Like the time she took a business trip and he wrote her a note telling her how much he wished he could be with her. Inserted in the note were extra money and directions on how to reach her destination.

George has finally realized that his wife is a special person who needs tender treatment, almost as if her forehead were stamped Very Important Handle with Care.