Patricia Love - How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

et's begin by asking a question of our women readers. If you were to say to the man in your life, Honey, we need to talk about our relationship, what do you think would happen?

If he would answer this question with something like I thought you'd never ask! or I've been dying to share my feelings about our life together, and I especially want to hear how you feel about us and what you want for us, then neither of you needs to read this book. Most women would expect their men would get distracted, defensive, irritated, or fidgety, or roll their eyes or shut down completely; and most men would feel like they were being punished for a crime they didn't commit. Undoubtedly you've had the conversations we are talking about. She knows her lines, he knows his, and it always ends up worse than it started. No wonder the five words a man dreads most are Honey, we need to talk.

We make it a point to ask the women in our workshops and therapy how making men talk about the relationship has worked in the past. Most say something like It didn't work, because he can't communicate. He gets angry, defensive, or impatient. He's just not interested. Well, it turns out that when it comes to talking about the relationship, men know something that most women don't. Research and our combined fifty-plus years of clinical experience show repeatedly that, despite your best intentions, talking about your relationship has more of a chance of making it worse than making it better. And it has nothing to do with your partner's lack of interest or poor communication skills.

Women want to talk about the relationship because they're upset and want to feel better. Men don't want to talk because talking won't make them feel better. In fact, it will make them feel worse! So whether she forces him to talk or not, they both end up feeling disappointed and disconnected. This loneliness of disconnection lies at the heart of every argument or cold silence, fueling your disappointment or resentment. It also leads to the distance that can ultimately tear your relationship apart.

We believe the chronic stress of disconnection, which eventually afflicts most unions between men and women, stems from a slight difference in the way the sexes experience fear and shame, a difference that is observable shortly after birth. This subtle difference is inherent in the question Do we talk about the relationship or not? The real reason the woman wants to talk about itbeneath the resentment and frustrationis that disconnection makes her feel anxious and, on a deeper level, isolated and afraid. The real reason the man doesn't want to talk about the relationship is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. On a deeper level, he feels ashamed. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame. When they try to alleviate their feelings of vulnerability in opposite waysby talking and not talkingall they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache.

Your relationship can fail with neither of you doing anything wrong, if you do not understand the extent to which fear and shame drive your disconnection from each other. Understanding each other's core vulnerabilities and learning how to manage them will give you a new perspective on your relationshipa