Erin Smalley Dr. Greg Smalley - The little book of great dates: 52 creative ideas to make your marriage fun

Think about some of those good times you and your spouse spent together prior to tying the knot. Can you remember the excitement? The sense of discovery? Can you recall what it felt like to learn about his or her favorite childhood memories? To talk about the experiencesboth good and badthat made each of you who you were at the time? To spend time laughing, talking, praying, and sharing your dreams, only to realize, at the end of the process, that you had fallen in love? What a magnificent experience!

Yes, but that was then and this is now, you might be saying. Were married! We dont need to pursue each other anymore. Its a done deal. We learned all we needed to learn about each other during the seasons of dating and engagement, and now its full steam ahead. Were one flesh, baby! And besides, who has time to go gallivanting around town like a couple of college kids? There are more than a few other things competing for our attention at the moment, not the least of which is raising our kids to respect God, and pursuing gainful employment, and...

Unfortunately, that mind-set rarely leads to a happy marriage. And if were honest, in Gods design for marriage, couples arent supposed to take a break from emotional intimacy. You may add new titles to your lives as the years go byparent, manager, homemaker, and so on. But through it all, you still retain the titles you were given by the pastor when you were first married: husband and wife! You have added additional titles and roles as the years have passed, but you still are, and always will remain, husband and wife.

Perhaps youve had two or three kids by now. You love them more than life itself. You wouldnt trade them for anything. And yet sometimes, you look back on your years of dating, both prior to and after marriage, and you wonder what happened. You miss having couple timethe opportunity to relax, connect, and just focus on each other without distraction.

We know personally how difficult it is to make date nights a regular part of marriage. One time, I (Greg) was trying to get Erin out of the house for our date night. Our four-year-old daughter, Annie, didnt want Mommy to leave. She was crying and had literally wrapped her arms and legs around Erins leg. I knew that I needed to quickly intervene, or we wouldnt be going out. But before I could say anything to Annie, our ten-year-old son, Garrison, jumped in.

Its okay, Garrison gently spoke to Annie. We need to let Mom and Dad go out. This is how they keep their marriage strong. Erin and I were flabbergasted. Annie released Erin and then asked Garrison, But what do they do on their date?

You could instantly tell that Annie had stumped him. He thought about it for a few seconds and then responded, Im really not sure. But I think that it ends in kissing.

Thats my boy!

The point of the previous story is that weve worked hard to teach our kids that Mom and Dad must spend time together without them to keep our marriage strong.

This is not to brag. Its only to say that its hardincredibly hard, sometimesfor us to make the time necessary to invest in our husband-wife relationship, with no distractions. The professional and ministerial work of studying marriage and helping others build stronger marriages doesnt leave us much room to invest quality time in our own! Yet we make it happen. And we firmly believe you should, too!

In our counseling experiences, weve seen too many couples who try to coast through the childrearing and career years without making time to deepen and nurture their own marriages. Its a recipe for disaster.

Those couples who dont date may achieve financial stability, and they might even successfully raise their kids and navigate them through school. But they reach the empty-nest years and realize that theyre strangers living under the same roof. By then, its incredibly difficult to reverse the damage wrought by decades of essentially ignoring each other and clinging to the false assumption that they can pick up at fifty-five exactly where they left off at twenty-five.

Were not suggesting that simply cramming a date night into your already overcrowded schedule is going to prevent you from experiencing the unfortunate scenario we just described. But a commitment to date nights done right can definitely play a significant part in an overall plan to be intentional about investing in the health of your marriage.

Here are the five important dos and donts to keep in mind as you think about planning your dates together and endeavor to make them as fun, enjoyable, and meaningful as possible:

1. Dont administrate your marriage Dont talk about finances, household responsibilities, child discipline issues, or other administrative aspects of your marriage while on your date. The purpose of a date is to have fun and enjoy each other.
2. Stay current Be curious about your spouse. Ask questions. Update your knowledge and deepen your understanding of each other.
3. Try new and exciting activities Couples who engage in unique activities that they dont usually do experience an increase in marital satisfaction. New activities stimulate the same parts of the brain that were ignited when you were first dating and help recreate the chemical surges of early courtship.