Smalley Gary - Winning your husband back: before its too late

Copyright 1999 by Gary Smalley

All rights reserved. Written permission must be secured from the publisher to use or reproduce any part of this book, except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Unless otherwise noted Scripture quotations are from the HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations noted KJV are from the KING JAMES VERSION of the Holy Bible.

Scripture quotations noted NASB are from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations noted NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, Copyright 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Smalley, Gary.

Winning your husband back / Gary Smalley, Greg Smalley.

p. cm.

ISBN 0-7852-7044-2

1. WivesReligious life. 2. MarriageReligious aspectsChristianity.

I. Smalley, Greg. II. Title.

BV4527.S57 1999

248.8'435dc21

99-26389
CIP

Printed in the United States of America

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 BVG 04 03 02 01 00 99

To Norma,
who for thirty-four years has been my best friend,
companion, lover, and encourager.
Thank you for winning me back.
Gary

To the three people who remind me daily of what
matters most in marriage and in life:
Erin, Taylor, and Madalyn.
With all my love.
Greg

Contents

This book represents the contributions of many people who struggle to better understand marriage and to help married couples. First and foremost, we acknowledge our friend, mentor, and colleague Dr. Gary Oliver, who has provided much wisdom and insight, both personally and professionally over the years. We would like to acknowledge Dr. Larry Keefauver for the diligent and professional work he provided during the development of this manuscript.

We also deeply appreciate the talents and support of Terry Brown and the staff at Smalley Relationship Center. Thank you, Jim and Suzette Brawner, Jimmy Funderburk, Roger Gibson, Sheila Green, Debbie Meyer, John Nettleton, Michael Smalley, Norma Smalley, Sheila Smethers, Lori Vanderpool, and Terri Woolsey.

We would like to express our deep sense of appreciation for the individuals and couples who have shared their lives and marital journeys with us. Thank you, Trish and Rick Tallon, Shelly Creed, Debbie-Jo White, Cary Jones, Kay Hammer, Kim Feder, Melissa Tomlinson, Wendi Schroeder, and Susan Butterfield.

We thank Mike Hyatt for his enthusiasm in developing this project. We also thank Cindy Blades and the staff at Thomas Nelson for their support and expertise during this process.

Most important, we thank the Lord for His blessings and for making so many things plainly evident for our learning and growth.

Chapter
One

The Life of a Driver

I was the latest and best new driver when a fairly new golfer bought me. Right away we were a special team. With me he hit the ball farther and straighter.

My golfer told everyone how special I was and how he had never played better because of me. He took me into the clubhouse after a round and continued to sing my praises. When we got home, he polished and shined me and took me into his room between uses instead of leaving me in the garage with his other clubs. I felt so special and pampered. I tried to help turn through the shot and climb high on the backswing and follow through.

Occasionally, we hit a ball into the water or the rough, but we won many tournaments and he won lots of money with me. Sometimes I could feel his grip tighten or we swung too fast and we mishit a ball. On those occasions, he would sometimes become very emotional and blame me, but then he cheered up, regained his balance, and we continued winning.

We began playing more and more and his grip steadily tightened and he swung harder. We hit balls in all sorts of bad places. My golfer became progressively more frustrated and angry and blamed me every time. He would throw me angrily into the bag without my cover. Once he even threw me into the lake only to come to get me later. I tried to follow his swing; but the line and tempo were off. I couldnt turn through the shot as before.

His anger grew and he quit taking me into the clubhouse after a round or into his room at night. He even told everyone that he didnt know why he had bought me and that he had never hit well with me. I was so insulted and hurt.

Several people suggested lessons with the pro, but my golfer refused, saying that there was nothing wrong with his swing. He said the faults were the crowding of the course, the weather, his headache, the noise made by the other golfers, and the clubthat I was too long, too stiff, too light, weighted incorrectly, and so on.

Finally, one day he exploded after a bad shot and threw me down on the ground after hitting the cart with me. He was so angry! When we got home, he threw me into the corner of the garage. Thank goodness I had my cover on.

I didnt go onto the course anymore. The new clubs he bought to replace me soon joined me in the corner of the garage, saying that his grip was too tight for them, also, and that he swung too fast.

One day, I was put back in his bag and taken to the golf professional for lessons. A swing flaw was corrected here and there. Some of my dints were fixed and I was regripped and polished. Neither partner was changed, but rather, both were updated. Soon we were hitting the ball far and straight, just like before. We began winning again and were the envy of the other players.

This was an emotional word picture we received, written by a woman whose husband had walked out of their marriage. She went on to write, David, I want you to understand how I feel about our life together and divorce. Until you wanted out of the relationship and would not seek a life with me, I had always felt secure in the assurance that we were committed to each other for a lifetime. It was the cement foundation that gave me the awareness that whatever difficulties we faced, we would work to solve them togetherthat we were fully committed. I never doubted your commitment. Now I feel like the driver in the garage. It only takes the decision and the golf pro to resurface the commitment with new skills and knowledge and build a deeper intimacy. It takes a decision.

As the above writer understood, the process of winning your husband back requires several important ingredients, like finding golf pros (Christ, experts, family, friends, mentors, and other support), making a decision to love and remain married, and developing new skills and knowledge. Our hope is that you will find the keys to these important issues, as well as others, within the pages of this book. Join us as we begin the journey of winning back your husband.

This Book Is for You!

This book is for women who have noticed a distance forming between them and their husband. That gap may be a Grand Canyon chasm that seems virtually impossible to span. Or it may be a crack that ever so slowly widens and uproots the foundations of your marriage like a tree root gradually pushing against a sidewalk until first a crack then a fissure breaks through. What was once a smooth, solid, and level walk together is now uneven and breaking apart.