Smalley Gary - The Language of Love: the Secret to Being Instantly Understood

The Language of Love: The Secret to Being Instantly Understood

1988, 1991, 2006, 2018 John Trent, Ph.D., and Gary Smalley. All rights reserved.

A Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188

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ISBN 978-1-58997-683-2

ISBN 978-1-68428-065-0 (ePub); ISBN 978-1-68428-066-7 (Kindle); ISBN 978-1-68428-064-3 (Apple)

Build: 2018-02-20 10:03:55 EPUB 3.0.1

To Norma and Cindy, two faithful and loving wives,

who are like our favorite gold-leaf novel. Each day, with each new page of life, we discover a fresh way to love and be thankful for them.

S PECIAL THANKS for this version go to Kari Trent Stageberg and Greg Smalley for introducing this concept to todays communicators. They represent the rest of the Trent and Smalley families from when we were writing this book the first time to now, along with Laura Trent Morris, Michael Smalley, and Kari Smalley Gibson. We could not have been more blessed in the children God placed in our lives. Thanks go to Rebekah Byrd, executive assistant for the Gary Chapman Chair at Moody, for her always-helpful insights and updates. And to Steve Lyon for rejoining the band for this version of Language of Love. Thanks to Steve and Barbara Uhlmann, who supported my (Johns) dream to join Gary Smalley in ministry years ago and who still support my work today at StrongFamilies.com. And to Larry Weeden, senior editor at Focus on the Family. Larry is both an outstanding editor and a friend of friends to Gary and me. Finally, to repeat an acknowledgment from the very first edition, thanks are due again to Jim, Pam, Heather, and Ryan McGuire for their decades of friendship and encouragement and for yet another Apple of great price.

I TS A DISTINCT HONOR for us to write the foreword for this new edition of The Language of Love. This book was a unique collaboration between our dads, Gary Smalley and John Trent, and it has proved to be one of their most enduring works.

For both of our fathers, the ideas in The Language of Love were never just theories. They are life principles that were and are being lived out every day. This is true not only in their ministries, but also, most importantly, in their homes. As we thought and prayed about this foreword, we kept coming back to key moments in our lives when our dads used word pictures to change everything.

Although I, Greg, am sad my dad isnt here to see The Language of Love take on new life, I think he always knew its message would remain relevant long after he was gone. In fact, hes probably smiling in heaven right now. I heard him talk about and use word pictures from the time I was small. He was a master at using this technique to communicate and solve problems long before it became a part of his professional identity.

As youll see in this book, the goal of using word pictures is to get both the brain and the heart involved. Its one of the most effective ways Ive ever encountered of helping another person truly understand what Im trying to say, not just at a cognitive level, but also at an emotional one.

I wont recount it here because the story is told later, but I remember a particular time when Dad used the imagery of college basketball a sport for which we shared a strong passion to help smooth over a rough spot in our father-son relationship. I was only a teenager at the time, and his sport-themed word picture helped me understand the source of our conflict at a much deeper level. It completely changed my way of thinking and helped pave the way to a resolution based on mutual love, respect, and understanding. In fact, the insights I gained from that one conversation have benefited me numerous times over the years as a husband and father.

Time and again, as a young, upcoming professional, I had the privilege of seeing my dad use word pictures to help heal relationships. His ability to get to the heart of the matter was unparalleled. One time I accompanied him to a studio where he was participating in a live radio call-in. At one point he said, live on the air, Just call in and tell me your problem, and Ill show you how using word pictures can help resolve it.

Are you crazy? I thought. How are you going to come up with an illustrative word picture for each and every person who calls in, live and on-the-spot?

But thats exactly what he did. Women would call in and explain what they were trying to convey to their husbands. Every time, and without hesitation, Dad would creatively envision a scenario that would connect with the male brain. A few weeks later, he received letters from several women explaining how their situation had changed for the better as a result of using the word pictures he had provided.

Sometimes Dad would even use real pictures to further illustrate his points. In my office today, I have a giant pair of cardboard lips. No, this isnt my homage to the Rolling Stones. My dad often used these lips as a prop when he was talking about the power of the tongue to build up or to destroy (see Proverbs 18:21; James 3). Theyre a great reminder to this day.

In short, using word pictures was a way of life for my dad. He saw the power of this approach and used it, taught it, and modeled it for his kids. Its a surprisingly simple concept that Christ Himself demonstrated in His parables. It has made a difference in so many peoples lives. And it has undoubtedly informed the way I interact with my wife, my kids, and my colleagues.