Rosie Makinney - Fight for Love: How to Take Your Marriage Back from Porn

Copyright 2020 by Rosie Makinney

All rights reserved.

978-1-5359-6733-4

Published by B&H Publishing Group

Nashville, Tennessee

Dewey Decimal Classification: 176

Subject Heading: PORNOGRAPHY / MARRIAGE / HUSBANDS

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Christian Standard Bible, Copyright 2017 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Christian Standard Bible and CSB are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers.

Also used: New American Standard Bible ( nasb ), copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation.

Also used: New International Version ( niv ), NIV copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Also used: New King James Version ( nkjv ), copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Also used: New English Translation ( net ), copyright 1996-2017 by Biblical Studies Press, L.L.C. http://netbible.com All rights reserved.

Also used: New Living Translation ( nlt ), copyright 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Also used: King James Version ( kjv ), public domain.

Cover design and illustration by Micah Smith.

Author photo by Alan Fraser.

To all my sisters fighting in the trenches,you are not alone.

Acknowledgments

D espite my British stiff upper lip, every time I sit down to write this section, I get emotional. The level of support I have received during the process of writing this book takes my breath away. So many writers, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers have generously poured stories, expertise, and encouragement into me. And, somehow, the comments and prayers always came at just the right time. To the many people who went out of their way to tell me they were glad I was writing this book, please know that it was your words that kept me writing mine.

To my amazing editor, Ashley Gorman, with your heart for the gospel, passion for this subject, and wisdom and expertise, I consider myself the luckiest of authors. I owe you a great debt of gratitude for how you have shaped this book, and I thank you for always going the extra mile to get things just right.

To my agent, Steve Laube, I thank you for how skillfully you guided me, and how valiantly you fought for this project. You gave me wings and the courage to use them.

To my publisher, B&H, and my incredible teamMary Wiley, Jenaye White, Chaselynn Bowser, and Jade NovakI am amazed by your skill, humbled by your belief in me, and grateful for your passion to get this message into the hands of women who need to hear it.

Many thanks also to Mount Hermon Christian Writers Conference for years of faithfully providing writers with inspiration, friends for life, and fertile ground for divine connections.

To the bold and brave wives, husbands, mothers, and daughters whose stories I have included in these pages, thank you for trusting me and for sharing so openly. This is your book as much as it is mine.

And now to my dear writing sisters, Ann Neumann, Holly Varni, and Wendi Lee. You guys are everything. You shaped my words, sharpened my sword, dried my tears, and made me believe I could do it. And I am sorry I made you read more about porn than anyone really needs to know.

Writing a book like this, covering so many different topics, is only possible because of the incredible work that has already been done by other fighters. I want to gratefully acknowledge fellow warrior Gary Wilson from yourbrainonporn.com, who despite persecution, tirelessly strives to promote scientific truth over lies. Also, a big thank you to his wife, Marnia Robinson, for giving me the benefit of her scientific expertise and sharp editorial eye. Here I must also mention the life-changing ministries and organizations of Josh McDowell Ministries, Beggars Daughter, Dirty Girls Ministries, Fight the New Drug, Protect Young Minds, and The National Coalition Against Sexual Exploitation. Keep up the good fight. We need you.

Now to my family, my deepest thanks for bearing with a highly distracted wife and mommy, a messy house, and some very interesting meals. To my two beloved boys, your endless capacity to love and be joyful is my inspiration. You are my greatest blessing and the reason I fight for a better world. To my husband, Mark, dare I say it? Without you, none of this would have been possible! Seriously, my love, thank you for making my happily-ever-after come true and for being the bravest person I know. I see you toiling relentlessly in the trenches, day after day, pushing people up into the light, and often getting kicked in the face in the process. You may not have a white horse, but you are my hero.

And finally, to the One who puts breath in my lungs, peace in my heart, and a joyful song on my lips: thank You for relentlessly pursuing me, until I came home to You.

Foreword

F or the past fifty-five years, I have led Josh McDowell Ministries to help thousands of people across the globe discover a purpose-driven, faith-based life, which includes healthy relationships and sexuality. After commissioning the most comprehensive survey of porn use within the church (The Porn Phenomenon 2016), I can say with absolute certainty that the biggest threat facing Christian marriages and families is Internet pornography. Thats why I am so grateful that Rosie Makinney is empowering women to speak up and have a voice on this topic, spurring them on to take action in a healthy way. For too long, the most neglected people in the church have been the wives of porn addicts.

If we really want to change the trajectory of where porn is taking the church, we have to acknowledge that porn is not exclusively every mans battle. Porn is everyones battle. Wives are not only deeply affected; they are vital to winning the war. They are indispensable. Instead of denying porns presence in the home, or worse, accommodating it, what we need is an army of proactive and faith-filled spouses standing firm against the sin that enslaves their husbands hearts and minds.

Rosie Makinney has done an excellent job in writing the recruitment manual for such an army, helping wives recognize and understand the crucial role they have to play in keeping their household porn-free.

Using neuroscience and Scripture, and unflinching honesty, Rosie brings hard facts and hard truths for these hard times. This book has a challenging message, but it is beautifully wrapped in hope and grace and gentle humor. Id consider it essential reading for Christian wives trying to navigate life and relationships in a pornified culture. Its time to equip and encourage women to pick up their swords and join in the fight.

Josh D. McDowell, author

Introduction

D iscovering my husband was a porn addict was devastating and confusing. How could the smart, funny, kind man I had just married be hopelessly addicted to porn? Up to this point, my knowledge of sex or porn addiction was limited to tabloid scandals involving celebrities. Hardly comforting reading. Isolated in my shame, I desperately needed answers to my questions. Why did he continue to look at porn, even though he knew I hated it? Was this the reason hed started acting differently toward me? Could it be my fault? Should I still have sex with him? Should I try to compete with what he was watching? Would I ever trust him again? Could he ever be free of porn? Was there any hope?

When my world was spinning, and my head and heart were conflicted, this is the book I needed to read. Just so you know, its part memoir (validating the experience of living in crazy-land with an active addict), part informational (looking at the science behind porn addiction and explaining why things seem to be getting worse), and part biblical battle plan (showing how to fight lovingly and effectively for a porn-free marriage).