David Schnarch - Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship

Solving Sexual Problems
and Revolutionizing Your
Relationship

Resurrecting

SEX

DAVID SCHNARCH, PH.D.

To my daughter
Sarah
and all the children of the world
So that the world may be a better place to fall in love

In memory of
William Masters, M.D .
An accomplished pilot, a state champion boxer, and a true gentleman
He was the greatest contributor to the science of sexuality

Barbara McDowell
My dear friend and secretary who called me George

Once upon a time two frogs fell into a large pail of buttermilk. Frantically the frogs climbed on each other, splashed furiously, and did whatever they could to stay afloat. As they grew weary and ever more fearful of drowning, they thrashed about more desperately. Finally approaching exhaustion, the frogs ceased struggling and prepared for the worst. Only then did they realize what their terrified minds never saw: All their seemingly futile and frustrating struggles had started turning the buttermilk into butter. Their random efforts were creating a platform on which they could float.

The frogs saw new purpose to their struggles and renewed their efforts with determination and collaboration. They kicked with less angst and paddled with greater ease. Eventually their efforts allowed them to rise above the milk. What once threatened their very existence became a resource for survival.

When you finish this book, youll understand why we are all frogs in the buttermilk. You will have an entirely new understanding of sexual problems and how to deal with them.

Resurrecting Sex deals with sexual problems that plague couples around the world. Every couple has sexual problems at some point. You could be a woman who never feels highly aroused or has difficulty lubricating. Maybe you have pain during sex or difficulty with orgasms. Or you could be a man who has problems getting or maintaining erections. Maybe you find it hard to have orgasms, or maybe you have them too quickly. Sexual desire is a common problem for women and men alike. Perhaps you dont want sex as often as your partner does, or vice versa. Or maybe you dont want to do it the same way or at the same time of day. Maybe you dont want to do it at all.

You could be celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary, or living together, or single and dating. You might be middle-aged and raising a family, or young and starting your first serious relationship. Maybe youre an empty-nest couple, struggling now that your kids have gone. Or perhaps youre approaching retirement and thrilled to finally have the house to yourself. Maybe you are newly single after your divorce or youre just starting to have sex. Resurrecting Sex covers sexual problems that surface in all stages of relationships.

Sexual problems are normal and so are their impacts: Once your sexual problem exists for a while, youre dealing with more than a penis or a clitoris that wont obey its owner. The matter involves two people with very complex feelings about themselves and each other. Because genitals are connected to people, it can be hard to turn sexual problems around.

Sexual problems happen to real peoplepeople with real anxieties, insecurities, disappointments, resentments, autonomy struggles, and dependency needs. Very often, real people with sexual problems become real stubborn and set in their ways. You and your partner may feel inadequate, or fight with each other, and then wonder whats wrong with your relationship.

Many couples find it hard to talk about a sexual problemor even admit they have one. Even if youre willing to talk about it, its hard to know what to say or do. It is common to feel like youre flailing around to no avail, drowning in your problems. On top of that, youre struggling with the very person you want to feel and make love with.

Sexual problems happen in relationships, and context is everything. Your sexual problem shapes your relationship, and your relationship shapes your sexual problem. Resurrecting your sexual relationship often involves more than getting your body to do what you want. You have to get your relationship to a state that supports good sexual functioning.

Often sexual problems can signal the death knell of a relationship. Far too frequently such problems turn into divorce, separation, or long-term emotional alienation. There are, however, far more pleasant deaths: the death of the relationship as youve known it, and the birth of one far better. Resolving sexual problems can change you, your relationship, and your life.

Resurrecting Sex offers straight talk about sex, intimacy, and relationships. Youll find the latest facts on medical difficulties and cures, as well as thorough coverage of relationship problems and ways to change them. Count on realistic solutions and case examples of couples putting them into action. Youll also find a whole lot more.

Resurrecting Sex offers hope. It contains a revolutionary understanding of common experiences in emotionally committed relationships. What youll learn can help you hang on through tough times and use them to advantage. It can turn commitment into an adventure, rather than servitude to past promises.

Resurrecting Sex builds partnership. Sometimes partnership requires discussing and doing things together. Other times partnership requires functioning independently when your partner is not at his or her best. It frequently involves compassion for your partner in the midst of difficult times. You wont find trite sermons about love and compassion in this book. Youll find effective ways to create hope and put it into action.

Resurrecting Sex is a book within a book. Well talk about sexual difficulties and how to solve them, but well also reflect on life, relationships, and anxiety and how they all fit together. Its easier to go through bad times when you recognize them as part of the power and elegance of intimate relationships.

Lots of self-help books offer tips, tricks, secrets, exercises, homework assignments, and sure-fire sex techniques. But books with easy-as-pie attitudes can backfire, leaving you feeling more inadequate when their simple solutions fail to bring expected results. Maybe youve been liberated and rejuvenated. Maybe youve raised your consciousness and become more politically correct. Even exploding your myths, exposing your hang-ups, and exorcizing your inhibitions may not solve your problem. What do you do then?

Resolving sexual problems often requires more than new sexual positions or techniques like sensate-focus exercises or going out on dates. Books on how to be your own sex therapist presume you and your partner are cooperative patients. Many couples dont want more techniques or find improved sexual function doesnt help their relationship (or doesnt last). You or your partner may not be motivated to do things to improve your situation, whether or not youd succeed.

Resurrecting Sex offers you new and different solutions. These are the product of my twenty years experience as a certified sex therapist and a marriage and family therapist. What youll read here is widely considered the cutting edge in these professions. In 1997 the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists honored me with its first Professional Standards of Excellence Award, in part for the kinds of innovations this book contains. Resurrecting Sex is based on the first comprehensive second-generation approach to sex and marital therapy. (The work of Masters and Johnson defined the first generation in the 1960s.)