David Schnarch - Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships

Praise from readers of Passionate Marriage

This book gives you so many ahaaas! that you get a sense of power due to your insight.... Passionate Marriage is like having a map of the whole forest and the location of each clue and a decoder key.

This book applies to all kinds of relationships, not just married couples.

Its a process. Getting from where we are to where we want to be takes time. It isnt just a matter of saying, Here, these are my expectations... meet them! Its opening a dialog, building on a foundation, getting to know yourself and your partner. Its a voyage of discovery.

Its about how to grow.

The thing I love best about it is its message of hope.... things get better as you get older.

It is providing us with hope because its giving us the ability to see something concrete for the first time. We now can set a goal that we have control over.

Following the concepts in this book can have both of you exploring your sexual potential in ways you cant even dream of now.

Use of this reading material may lead to certain side effects. Reported side effects so far include (but are not limited to) increased happiness, a feeling of lightness, increased love and empathy, increased positive interactions with ones children, and an overall feeling of empowerment.

It has shaken me to my core. It will not leave you untouched if you truly read it. Plus, I feel like it is giving me new tools I can use to really deal with whatever my spouse, or life, hands me, and not come unglued.

I really cant even begin to explain the difference reading this book made in my life.

We sometimes have a tendency to have our feelings be influenced by what we read... what we should be feeling, etc. Its great to finally read something that validates something Im doing right, instead of reading something that validates why something is wrong.

Also by David Schnarch

Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship

Constructing the Sexual Crucible:
An Integration of Sexual and Marital Therapy

Resurrecting Sex:
Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship

Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships

David Schnarch, Ph.D.

Quote from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. Copyright 1923 by Kahlil Gibran and renewed 1951 by the Administrators C T A of Kahlil Gibran Estate and Mary G. Gibran. Reprinted by permission of Alfred A. Knopf, Inc.

If we only arrange our life according, from Rilke on Love and Other Difficulties: Translations and considerations by John J.L. Mood. Copyright 1975 by W. W. Norton & Company, Inc. Reprinted by permission of W. W. Norton & Company.

Copyright 2009, 1997 by David Schnarch

All rights reserved
Printed in the United States of America
First published as a Norton paperback 2009

All personal vignettes and stories from workshops and presentations are true. Full-length case vignettes are composites from actual cases. Vignette of the Couples Retreat in is a composite from several retreats (identifying information has been altered); the composite scene accurately represents common occurrence.

Passionate Marriage, Passionate Couples, Sexual Crucible, Crucible, Sexual Crucible Approach, and Crucible Approach are trademarks owned by David Schnarch.
Website http://www.passionatemarriage.com

For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to Permissions, W. W. Norton & Company, Inc., 500 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10110

Manufacturing by Courier Westford Production manager: Devon Zahn

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Schnarch, David Morris 1946
Passionate marriage: love, sex, and intimacy
in emotionally committed relationships / David Schnarch.

p. cm.

Includes index.

ISBN 0-393-04021-6

1. Sex in marriage. 2. Sex therapy. 3. Marital psychotherapy. I. Title

RC557.S312 1997

616.89156dc21 96-40893 CIP

ISBN 978-0-393-33427-2 pbk.

Beaufort Books

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New York, NY 10011

www.beaufortbooks.com

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To my wife,

RUTH MOREHOUSE

who has helped me learn more about love and marriage than I ever hoped Id know

In memory of

ESTELLE SCHNARCH

My beloved grandmother

THEODORE URBAN

My friend for twenty-seven years

When I first wrote Passionate Marriage more than a decade ago, my goal was to create a book that could change peoples lives. I knew my therapy with clients did that. But I didnt know if a bookany bookcould have that kind of impact. I put my heart and soul into writing it, and when I was finished I knew it was one of the best things I had ever done. But was it good enough? There was no way to know.

Time has shown that Passionate Marriage has helped far more people than I could ever treat in therapy. Rather than becoming outdated or pass, it has a readership that continues to grow. Many have developed missionary zeal to share this book with those they value. People hear about it from friends, parents, adult children, therapists, doctors, ministers, and university professors. Although written for the general public, it is now used in undergraduate psychology courses, graduate training of therapists, and theological seminaries. Responses from around the world suggest it describes a universal experience that transcends gender, sexual orientation, geography, and culture.

Readers wrote to say Passionate Marriage changed their lives. Many started, Ive never been moved to write an author, but... and ended with Bless you. The thank-you notes and success stories have been quite overwhelming. People said it saved their marriage, even when they were sure it was over. It gave them new ways of seeing things, increased their resilience, and gave them hope. Others said they wouldnt be divorced if they had read Passionate Marriage sooner. Personal disclosure about my own marriage apparently makes it warm and accessible. Its humor, genuineness, and honesty, visceral life-altering resonance, and great examples were also singled out for praise. Its frank eroticism appealed to many who felt that someone finally understood what they wanted.

An amazing number of people strongly identify with the couples in this book (Im just like Bill and Joan...), and many can quote page and verse (... and pages 200202 really hit me between the eyes!). Readers applied what they learned to all aspects of their lives, like dealing with children and friends. Responses indicate that it not only resolves common problems like nagging undercurrents, boring routine sex, and lack of intimacy, but specifically helps with difficult issues like:

Constant bitter arguments

Pervasive relationship problems

Power and control struggles

Separation or imminent divorce