Danielle Harel - Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couples Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion

Making

Love Real

Making

Love Real

The Intelligent Couples Guide to

Lasting Intimacy and Passion

Danielle Harel PhD & Celeste Hirschman MA

Making Love Real

By Danielle Harel PhD and Celeste Hirschman MA

Copyright 2015 Danielle Harel PhD and Celeste Hirschman MA

All rights reserved

www.CelesteAndDanielle.com

Published by Somatica Press

Cover Design: Yair Harel

This book is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of physicians.
The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his/her health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention.

ISBN 10: 0692525483

ISBN 13: 9780692525487

First Edition

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

C reating loving relationships is what makes the world go round and we could not have written this book without the loving help and support of our family, friends, colleagues, clients and students. Wed like to thank our families, Yair Harel and Dimitry Yakoushkin, for supporting us and helping with every aspect of this book and a special thank you to our children Sitar Harel, Shiraz Harel and Devin Yakoushkin for teaching us how to listen and for teaching us what love is really all about. Thank you to our editor, Hilary Roberts, who smoothed out the rough edges. A big thank you to Magick, Dr. Megan Ducheck, Courtland Allen, and Jon Hull for reading earlier drafts and offering essential suggestions and edits. And thank you to those of you who helped us sort through our name brainstorm: Allegra Hirschman, April Hirschman, H. R. Bremner, Keeley Rankin, Dalia Perez and Elena Letourneau.

MAKING LOVE REAL

K eenan and Sarah came to see us after having been together for a little over 12 years. Its not that we are unhappy, exactly, Sarah told us. Things just seem off. When we asked them about the relationships beginning, Keenan, with a gleam in his eye, said, At first Sarah wouldnt give me the time of day. She thought I was going to be flaky and a player. But when I saw Sarah for the first time, I thought, This is the most gorgeous woman Ive ever met and Im going to do whatever it takes to get her.

Sarah started laughing. I thought he was super sexy too, but he was so light and easy about everything, I was sure he just wanted to play around. Here we are, 12 years and two kids later.

When we asked them how they are now, they looked at each other helplessly, and Keenan finally tried to explain. Everything seems to upset Sarah. I do the same things Ive been doing for years, play in my band, go out with my friends, but she gets so upset, and then I feel like I cant do anything right. I wish she could just accept me for who I am.

Sarah continued, Its not like I want him to give up his friends. I just wish he was more focused on us, on me and the family, and when I ask for that he eventually gets pissed off and defends himself, and finally shuts down completely. Needless to say, we rarely have sex these days, we cant seem to communicate about anything, and were both so busy we cant get ahead of the curve.

Keenan nodded and finished, Yeah, shes just angry a lot of the time. I really thought I could make Sarah happy, or I wouldnt have chased after her so hard.

You Want to Have a Real and Loving Relationship

If you have picked up this book, we assume that, like Keenan and Sarah, you want to have a long-term, fulfilling, and loving relationship where both of you can be accepted for who you really are. Keenan and Sarahs story is a very common one. They met, fell in love, and, with the tools they had, forged a beautiful relationship. Over time, they began to notice that the qualities they had once found so sexy and adorable, like Sarahs almost OCD-like organization and Keenans absent-minded spontaneity, began to get on each others nerves. They had little spats and wavered between trying to change each other and trying to return to their earlier happiness.

Like Keenan and Sarahs, all relationships have challenges. There can be many barriers that get in the way of love and fulfillment, and being in a relationship is rarely simple or easy. While our society has the fantasy that relationships last a lifetime, most relationships do not last forever and more than half of all marriages end in divorce. Whether or not you end up being together forever, a relationship is an opportunity to go deeper into who you are, to grow, and to feel loved and connected. Research shows that the best predictor of individual happiness is being surrounded by a loving family, friends, and community.

During the highs, relationships offer love, deep connection, excitement, nurturing, acceptance, joy, sharing, and companionship. During the lows, they bring pain, fear, insecurity, conflict, and disappointment. What most people dont realize is that ups and downs in relationships are completely normal.

The experience of seeing others have relationships or having them yourself teaches you a lot about what it is like to share your life with another person. Unfortunately, the relationship examples in our society rarely offer a road map for consciously creating the supportive and satisfying relationships youd like to have. As sex and relationship therapists, we have studied, experimented with, and explored the different relationship road maps. We have worked with countless couples to help them create the relationships they truly desire. Through our work we have developed the Somatica Method a road map to sustainable sex and intimacy that will help you and your partner Make Love Real by meeting your incredible potential for love, connection, and pleasure in your relationship.

The Problem with Current Road Maps to Relationship Success

The current road maps that are available to teach you about relationships generally take one of two approaches attachment or individuation and then offer couples ways to improve their relationships based on one of these models.

Proponents of the attachment approach remind you that you need the bonds of love to survive as a species. This is true: human survival is predicated on the ability to form long-term attachments with caregivers. As you move from the parent-child relationship into adulthood and romantic love, your basic need for attachment persists. In a relationship, if your sense of attachment is threatened, you go into survival-like fight, flight, or freeze patterns, which often lead to relationship-damaging behaviors. In the attachment model, the focus of therapy is to maintain the relationship by helping each person in the couple understand the others fears and anxieties and shift their own behaviors to minimize these fears and strengthen the attachment. This is what Sarah is focused on, and it is one of the two key relationship needs.

Proponents of the individuation approach point out that, in order to have a fulfilling life and relationship, you must be real in a relationship. In other words, you have to be true to your authentic self and follow your deepest desires without letting your partners fears and anxieties stand in the way of this self-actualization. In this model, the way to a fulfilling relationship is for each of the individuals to be true to themselves and to work on their own fears and anxieties so as to support their partner in being real as well. This is what Keenan is focused on, and it is the other of the two key relationship needs.

Both of these methods have merits, but each fulfills only half of what you need from a relationship. As Keenan and Sarah are discovering, a combination of love and being real is necessary to a fulfilling relationship. Striking the delicate and ongoing balance of creating safe attachment and being true to yourself in a relationship is the focus of the Somatica Method and what you will learn in this book.