Melissa Jones - Good Loving: How Christian Couples Can Discover Sexual Intimacy, Pleasure and Fulfillment

Text Copyright 2014 Melissa Jones. Design and Concept Copyright 2014 Ulysses Press and its licensors. All rights reserved. Any unauthorized duplication in whole or in part or dissemination of this edition by any means (including but not limited to photocopying, electronic devices, digital versions, and the Internet) will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Published in the United States by

Ulysses Press

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Berkeley, CA 94703

www.ulyssespress.com

ISBN: 978-1-61243-419-3

Library of Congress Control Number 2014943023

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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Illustrations on pages 57 and 63 by Rick Williamson

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Contents

I am a wife, a mother, and a woman of faith. And I am a sexologist. I help people who want to improve their sex lives, increase their intimacy, and experience more pleasure. I speak at conferences and conduct workshops where I talk about G-zone stimulation, multiple male orgasms, oral sex, and a variety of other topics regarding intimacy between couples.

Ive often been asked how I reconcile both parts of my life: my conservative beliefs and my work. Some may think that because Im Christian, I cant believe in anything but vanilla, missionary-position, lights-off sex. Some seem to think that giving and receiving pleasure, even in a loving and committed marriage, must be some sort of offense toward God.

Not only do I see no conflict between having good sex and being a good Christian, but I firmly believe that they actually support each other. I believe that marriage and sex were created by God, and I believe that we are designed to take pleasure in both.

Although this book can be read by anyone, my intended audience is traditional, married couples that hope to improve their sex lives and strengthen their relationships. This book can also be used by soon-to-be-married couples that hope to prevent sexual issues before they start (although complete novices may have a few eye-widening moments if they read this book from cover to cover). Its not my intention to be salacious or obscene, but I am explicit so as to avoid confusion, and I dont beat around the bush. I believe that sex is something to be celebrated, not to be ashamed of, and I would rather err on the side of giving you too much information than too little.

Either partner can read this book and benefit from it; however, you will experience the greatest benefit if you both discuss and do the exercises together. Sex is a dance that works best when two partners move in sync with each other and grow together. In this way, you will grow closer and bring each other more pleasure and happiness than you may have thought possible.

I also have a number of exercises that I encourage you to try. Some will be more exciting and productive than others, and there may be some exercises that you dont want to do at all. Each was designed to assist with a specific aspect of ones sex life. If you get stuck or find that an exercise isnt working for you, skip it and move on.

The first section in this book will address foundational issues of sex in marriage. Part Two is an escalation of couples exercises. Its ideal to read these in the order presented here, rather than simply jumping to the exercises.

Each couples situation is different. For some, this book may be too much; for others, you may need more. (In that case, call me.) We all make decisions about what we think is appropriate sexually, and even though we may have similar cultural values, we may not place our sexual boundaries in exactly the same place. My intent is neither to push you beyond your values nor to limit you to mine. My goal is to make you aware of some of the possibilities that are out there so that you can make informed decisions as a couple. As you do this, you will develop greater emotional closeness and sexual vibrancy.

Although my practice is based in San Antonio, Texas, I perform consultations for clients all over the world via telephone and video chat, so if you need a little extra help, I invite you to visit with me. For more information, please visit my website at www.MelissaJonesPhD.com.

I suggest that you regard this bookand sex in generallike a grand buffet in a beautiful hall with hundreds of dishes, ranging from foie gras and caviar to chicken fried steak with gravy. You may not love every dish you taste, but theres a good chance that if you are willing to try something new, youll discover something quite savory!

Bon apptit!

This section is directed toward you as an individual and the possible issues you may be facing, as well as those your spouse may be experiencing. I wont discuss every potential issuethe list would be too longand I wont offer a solution to every problem discussed. This section is to acknowledge the potential issues; solutions will come as you work on the exercises found in this section as a couple, and seek additional help where needed.

A number of years ago, I was a camp leader for the young women in my church. One night, when all of the girls had gone to bed, the adult counselorsall practicing Christian womenstayed up talking. This night, the talk turned to sex. I was surprised and dismayed to hear that many of these wonderful women just werent happy with their sex lives. Some of them seemed to think that sex was only meant for procreation. Others thought that its only purpose was to make their husbands happy. Some of the women had been married for years, or even decades, and had never experienced an orgasm.

A number of these women were just getting by sexually, and many of them were really struggling. Some of them had marriages affected by infidelity and pornography, and some were on the verge of breakup. It saddened me to hear about the women whose marriages were in danger. But it also saddened me to hear about the women who simply werent enjoying sex.

Marriages should be havens of intimacy, but how do we attain it? Part of the confusion results from our imprecision in defining intimacy. Some people use it to mean a general feeling of emotional closeness. Some define it as friendship. And others simply use it as a word thats synonymous with sex, but is simply more appropriate to say in church.

In reality, intimacy has a myriad of aspects. It derives from the Latin word intimus, which means innermost, or the deepest within. The people with whom we are intimate are the people that we let in and the people who let us in in return.

There are different kinds of intimacy in marriage: intellectual, emotional, spiritual, etc. Equally important, though, is physical, erotic intimacy. The intimacies in our relationships build on each other like instruments in a symphony, each providing counterpoint and context for the others, each contributing to the overall vibrancy of the marriage.