Tim Konzen - The Art of Intimate Marriage: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Sexual Intimacy

T HE A RT OF

I NTIMATE M ARRIAGE

T HE A RT OF

I NTIMATE M ARRIAGE

A Christian Couples Guide to Sexual Intimacy

Tim Konzen and Dr. Jennifer Konzen

2018 Tim Konzen and Dr. Jennifer Konzen

The Art of Intimate Marriage

A Christian Couples Guide to Sexual Intimacy

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Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Elm Hill, an imprint of Thomas Nelson. Elm Hill and Thomas Nelson are registered trademarks of HarperCollins Christian Publishing, Inc.

Lyrics of Broken Together used by permission through Be Essential Songs (BMI), admin. by Essential Music Publishing LLC.

Cover Design by Beth Weeks Layout Design by Dylan Wickstrom

Layout and Publishing Support by Beth Lottig

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Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION NIV Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018938711

ISBN 978-1-595556127

ISBN 978-1-595541543 (eBook)

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A CKNOWLEDGMENTS

W e have four children. In some ways, this book feels like another birth. And so many dear people have been with us in the delivery room. We have had wonderful direction in our own sex life since our engagement and throughout our married life. Thank you to those in the early years who bared your hearts and gave us the specifics we needed: Dave and Judy Weger, Marshall and Marina Hopkins (we will see you there, Marshall), and Ralph and Angie Boaz. What a wonderfully fun foundation they all helped us set.

As we began to plan on doing this work of helping others with their marital and sexual lives, we had some amazing support. Thank you Guillermo and Terry Adame for the immeasurable ways you have literally saved our souls (with special attention to me, Tim) and believed in us through everything.

We have some incredibly supportive, lifelong friends who also gave their time to reading this book to make sure we did not mess up too much. Thank you, Ron and Linda Brumley, Paul and Kerry Schultz, and Janet Schalk. Thank you also to Robin Weidner for the wonderful direction and editing help. It was vital to us that this book would not only be helpful but would be grounded in an accurate understanding of Scripture. All of you helped us make that happen.

Our gratitude also goes to those who provided Jennifers early training in sexual medicinethank you, Irwin Goldsteinand vital input to the technical sexual details in this textthank you, Debra Taylor and Rose Hartzell. We are so grateful to those who used their design and artistic skills to make this book look great. Thank you Dylan Wickstrom for the book design and Beth Weeks for the incredibly beautiful cover and design elements. And, of course, we are very grateful to our editor, Beth Lottig, for her enthusiastic support and direction.

Sex as God designed it is a beautiful thing, and for us it has resulted in four beautiful people. Our children have had to explain many times to their friends why there are all these books about sex on our shelves (and on our floor and behind that chair). So in light of all the embarrassing conversations you have had to have, we appreciate your patience with us and love you deeply beyond words. This book is dedicated to you. It is our hope and prayer that each of you will have the joy and victory in your marriages that God has generously granted us. Our prayer is thisthat all of you who are reading here will Glorify the Lord with me. Let us exalt His name together. Psalm 34:3

C ONTENTS

Section One: Understanding Sexuality

Section Two: Verbal Intimacy

Section Three: Relational Intimacy

Section Four: Challenges in Sexuality

Section Five: Sensual and Sexual Intimacy

Section Six: Overcoming Sexual Problems

Section Seven: The Practicals

We love each other, but it is so hard to talk about our sex life.

We have a happy marriage, but our intimate life is a source of pain, frustration, and disappointment.

We have had some physical challenges that have affected our sex lives, and we dont know how to overcome them or talk about them.

Theres been a lot of damage thats happened in our marriage, and were having a really difficult time being intimate with one another, not just in our sexual relationship, but overall as well.

Sex is going fine, but we have always wanted our intimacy to be great. We could use some help with how to get there.

M aybe you picked up this book because these words describe how youre feeling about your sex life. Or maybe youre just looking for ways to make things more fun! You may be searching for answers. Genuine intimacy in marriage is like a beautiful masterpiece. For thousands of years, it has been rendered in paintings, music, and sculpture. Like a fine artist, creating that kind of beauty in the marital relationship usually takes practice and dedication. Within these pages, you will find some direction to help you learn the art of marital intimacy.

Its been said that when sex is good, the influence sex has on how satisfied partners are in their relationship is 1520 percent. But when sex is not going well, the influence swells to 5070 percent. This highlights the importance of dealing with the very real challenges that come up in the sexual relationship. But what is a fulfilling sexual relationship? Over the years, we have talked with many married couples in the ministries we have led about their sex lives, both about the fun and joy they are experiencing and the problems that have caused anxiety. In the midst of meeting these kinds of needs in our ministry, Jennifer became a marriage and family therapist and a sex therapist. In both of these areas, in our professional and ministry lives, we found that many couples were having challenges in their sexual relationship, but that the resources for help from a biblical view were scarce.

The good news is that God has a beautiful plan for creating and maintaining a great sexual relationship in marriage. When you look at the Scriptures, the words God uses to describe sex include passion, burning, honor, pleasing, satisfying, and intoxicating. God is very sex positive. Though many of the Bible verses on sexuality are about the many different ways people can sin sexually, for a married couple, the Bible shows us how to honor one another in the sexual relationship and how to enjoy the intoxicating pleasure of sexual intimacy. When we look deeply at the descriptions of the sensual relationship between the beloved and the lover in Song of Songs, we find a beautiful, romantic, and erotic picture of what God intends for your marriage.