Paul Friesen - The Marriage App: Unlocking the Irony of Intimacy

Someone once asked us how long it took to write this book. We dont know exactly, but at least 37 years. Our names have been given as the authors, but countless individuals and couples have contributed to the information we are sharing in these pages.

First, we owe a great deal of who we are and what we teach to our parents, who modeled what it means to be faithful to the Lord and to each other in marriage.

We also owe a great deal of gratitude to our many mentors whom we have been privileged to learn from and call friends: John and Grace Tebay, Gordon and Gail MacDonald, Ray and Jan Pendleton, Howard and Cathy Clark, Ray and Carol Johnston, John and Marilyn Nugent, Bob and Carol Kraning, Norm and Winnie Wakefield, and David and Cherylyn Hegg. You have all loved us well and contributed to our growth as a couple and as communicators of the Gospel.

The writings of our friend Gary Thomas, especially Sacred Marriage , have been true gifts. Although we have never met, Tim Keller has also mentored us through his writings, especially The Meaning of Marriage . We praise God for your faithfulness to God, His word, and your marriages.

We are humbled by those that God has allowed us to intersect with over the years whose stories are told in this book. Your names are in the book, many changed. Thank you for seeking Gods heart and discovering the Irony of Intimacy.

For all of our married lives, we have been supported emotionally, spiritually, relationally, and financially by a large number of people who have sacrificially supported us so that we are able to do what we believe God has called us to. Most recently the Home Improvement Ministries Family has loved and supported us in ways we will never be able to repay. Your stories have made us laugh, cry, and most importantly see Gods power to conform us more to His image and help us grow in honoring Him and each other more fully.

For the last 10 years we have been supported, directed, cared for, and loved by our Home Improvement Ministries Board. Thank you Guy and Barbara Steele, Richard and Kit Hendricks, Doug and Julie Macrae, Carl and Cathy Blatchley, Ryan and Kelly Plosker, Seth and Melanie Bilazarian, Jack and Leiann Harvey, Dan and Susan Yardley , R.J. and Mary Matthews, John and Marilyn Nugent, and Scott and Sally Shaull.

Special thanks to Guy and Barbara Steele, who have edited every word of this manuscript, read it many times, and given excellent suggestions and comments. We will ever be indebted to you.

To Ginny Townsend, thanks for your creative input and hours on the cover. Thanks for your patience and helpful insights and creativity.

To Gabriel Garcia, thanks for your ideas and wonderful insights in every chapter. This book is much richer because of you. The fact that you are our son-in-law makes us even more grateful.

We appreciate the encouragement many have given us along the way, but especially want to thank those who have read and commented on the manuscript: Ken and Amy Gaudet, Kristin and Bill Smith, Wai and Elaine Wong, Bill and Linda Tiffan, Paul Carroll, and Don and Betsy Hasselbeck. Your comments have helped shape the final outcome in significant ways.

Special thanks to Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who took special interest in the manuscript, agreed to write the foreword, and has a deep heart for sharing the good news of Gods design for marriage, especially with those who have previously not explored His design.

We are most thankful for our adult children, Kari, Lisa, and Julie, who have chosen to give their lives fully to Christ. There is no greater gift you could give us. We are grateful that God has brought Gabe to Kari and Derek to Julie to be their lifelong partners in marriage and ministry. We could not be more thankful for the sons-in-law you are. We thank all of you for your input and encouragement in the process of writing this book. We love you all dearly and are thankful for each moment we have together.

Finally, we thank our Heavenly Father who has graciously given us all things, first and foremost His Son, and given us a purpose in living. If any good comes out of this book, we are completely aware that it is because of His great love for us and the work of His Spirit to take these words and use them in the lives of those who choose to read these pages.

Drs. Paul and Virginia Friesen were married in 1976 and are the parents of three young women, two of whom are now married to wonderful, Godly men. They have been involved in Family Ministries for over 35 years through family camps, church staff positions, speaking, consulting, and writing. In 2003, they founded Home Improvement Ministries ( www.HIMweb.org ), a non-profit organization dedicated to equipping individuals and churches to better encourage marriages and families in living out Gods design for healthy relationships. Paul and Virginia both have Doctorates in Marriage and Family Therapy from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary.

As the lead resource couple at Home Improvement Ministries, the Friesens regularly speak at marriage, mens, and womens conferences in the US and internationally, as well as local family and parenting seminars, and have an ongoing ministry with several professional athletic teams. The Friesens have authored ten books and produced numerous DVDs on parenting and marriage.

Paul and Virginias greatest joy in life is knowing that their children are walking in the Truth.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved
children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved
us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering
and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:12

I t was John and Wendys favorite vacation spot during their 38-year marriage: twice each year they would fly to Hawaii and rent a cottage or stay in a timeshare, sometimes alone, but often with their family. The islands held many memories for them of a life well spent, a close family, and a sweet marriage. But after a 17-year battle with cancer, John lost his earthly struggle and entered his heavenly rest. Wendy had asked us to accompany her on her first return visit to Hawaii after Johns death. We were having lunch out on the balcony overlooking the Pacific when Wendy started to cry. Assuming she was recalling some special time on the island with John, we gently asked her, What is it, Wendy? She blurted out, I wish Id made him more Jell-O!

Wendy then told us, through laughter and tears, that John loved Jell-O. From the earliest days of their marriage, John always was asking her to make him Jell-O. She didnt like Jell-O herself and declined to make it most of the time, claiming it was all empty calories, nothing but sugar and colored dyes. But now, looking back, she mused, Why didnt I just give him Jell-O? As we continued to talk, she said, The real reason was not all the nutritional stuff, but just that I plain didnt want to make him Jell-O. I didnt like it. But what a simple thing for me to do to bring him a little extra joy for the day. I wish I had made him more Jell-O.

Fortunately, in John and Wendys case, there were not a lot of other Jell-O areas. Unfortunately, for many couples, the accumulation of Jell-O momentsnot caring about our spouses needs and desiresculminates in individuals not feeling cared for and loved. In too many cases those marriages end in divorce, or continue in a silent state of contempt and miss out on the joy of intimacy in marriage.

Why do we long for an intimate relationship with our spouse but find it so difficult to experience? Why do we find it so easy to focus on our own desires and preferences over the desires and preferences of our spouse? Why did God make us so different from each other, with difference preferences and desires, if He wanted us to get along? Why didnt He make it easier to love my spouse? Why do so many married couples find it difficult to find true contentment and joy? Though these questions often plague each of us, it is my deep conviction that we truly are designed to be at our best when we put our spouses needs above our own. The irony is that when we do, we actually find the intimacy we have been longing for.